An organized approach to thinking about homosexuality

Andrew Schlafly
Conservapedia

Dear Mr. Schlafely,

It's no surprise that nine of the top ten most popular entries listed on your statistics page are about homosexuality. After all, it is second only to the War on Christmas in terms of the danger it poses to this great nation. True patriots like ourselves must think about homosexuality every second of the day. It can be grueling, especially considering all of the different kinds of homosexual sex there are to think about. Worse yet, it can be confusing. How often have you found your mind drifting from to felching to little soldier sucking to sausage bunning without really ever finishing what you set out to do?

That's why I've created a system to organize my thinking about homosexuality. I spend the first hour of the day thinking about bareback sex. I follow that with a quick five minute consideration of the problem of masturbation. From there, I go straight an hour of pondering the various ways of performing oral sex. Then, it's back to five minutes of thinking about masturbation (sometimes less than a minute if I've accomplished a lot in the previous section). After that, I salute the military by concentrating on sailors, followed, of course, by another five minutes of immersing myself in masturbation. By then, it's lunch time (usually a can of vienna sausages) and then back to the routine until it's time for buttplugs, bedtime, and another furious few moments of concentrating on masturbation.

I think it's a good system-one from which many conservatives could benefit. Certainly Larry Craig and 73% of the Florida House Republican Caucus would have been better off if they had approached the war on homosexuality in the same way.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot