Signed, Sealed, Delivered

Watching the South Carolina Demislamunistofascist primary results, I noticed that Barak Obama (who BTW, is secretly a reptilian being from the Coruscantian System and a practicing Muslim) chose Signed, Sealed, Delivered by Stevie Wonder to serve as his theme song. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this tune, it's the kind of devil music that gets the hips a moving in such away that you're fornicating all over the place before you even realize it.

After hearing that, I decided to check a few of the other campaigns to see what they're using. Surprisingly, Hillary Klinton, a known Vogonzuelan, is going with something a bit more in keeping with traditional concepts of morality. Her theme, Celine Dion's You and I, has the opposite effect on people. Listening to it causes a man's little soldier to crawl up inside itself and hide, thus making fornication impossible for at least a month.

But what about our candidates, the men running to be the nominee for God's Own Party? I'm not sure what songs they're using, or if they're using any at all, but I do have a few suggestions.

Rudy Giuliani - They're Coming to Take Me Away by Napoleon XIV. Why? Well, because, as he announced during a speech to the Coral Gables Rotary Club, he actually is Napoleon XIV.

Mike Huckabee - Every Sperm is Sacred by Monty Python. We'd have no problem passing Huckabee's personhood amendment to the Constitution if every American heard this song.

Mitt Romney - The Girl from Ipanema by Antonio Carlos Jobim. Because when he passes, each one he passes goes "ahhhh." There's nothin' wrong with having a president who has a purty mouth.

Ron Paul - The Horst Wessel Song. Isn't it time to get the government off the back of your local jackboot cobbler?

John McCain - Bomb Iran - because he sings it from the heart.