"Women want ORGASMS"

My muse, who is a very manly muse mind you, is nowhere to be found today, so I thought I'd rerun a couple of posts about Republican activist Loren Parks. The first is a letter to Mr. Parks, The second is his reply and my response.

Loren Parks
Lay Psychologist
Psychological Research Foundation, Inc.

Dear Mr. Parks,

I'm not sure that the citizens of Oregon understand how much you've done for them. Given that state's reputation for Frenchness, they're very lucky to have an outsider like you who's willing to save them from themselves by funding their conservative ballot measures. I have to wonder, however, why you haven't combined your love for patriotic political action with your other great love, amateur psychology.

Certainly, the men of Oregon could benefit from your study of the use of hypnotism as a lovemaking technique. According to your reports, it sounds like you've found a surefire way to make love to a not-man without all of the attendant crying and vomiting.

Many years ago my girlfriend was especially responsive one night and I found out what she had done was imagine she was a prostitute. Being a hypnotist and she was a good subject, I proceeded to use the deep trance (amnesia and hallucinatory phenomena) to change her into various other women friends or relatives of hers and then make advances. What I found was that she would respond in the way she perceived that woman would respond. As a married friend, she would push me away. Someone she knew to be easy, she would accommodate me.

I would many times change myself to Mickey Mouse (hallucinated by her) and make advances to her in her normal state and she would fight me off. This sounds terribly far-fetched unless you are familiar with deep trance phenomena. I'll finish with this. One of her relatives (hallucinated) was a better, more passionate, responsive lay than she was in her normal state. So I often had sex with the fantasied woman she was pretending to be. She had no memory of the event afterwards unless I had her recall it. Again, this is a deep-trance phenomenon and I bring it up to show the characteristics of the mind. Not just with her, but others too.

I once gave a partner the suggestion in the deep trance that she was a sex machine--a character I defined for her. Let me tell you, that short woman was so wild that I, (6'2"), could only take it for a short while. I did it only a few times because I wasn't up to it. It was too much action for me.

Perhaps you could write an initiative that would require the state to train men in these techniques. I'd certainly like to get such training. I could then finally get Ofjoshua to play Phyllis Schlafly with a level of passion she's lacked in the past. And of course, I would be Goofy.

Hmmm. I wonder if Sen. Santorum's tried that.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Patriotic amateur psychologist Loren Parks responds to my email:

Actually, this stuff is easy to do once you get a deep trance. Lots of hypnotists give their female subjects orgasms without touching them. Piece of cake. I've never done it to a man.

Loren

He also sent a second email (I think I have a new best friend):

--- In LASomnambulisticSleepwalkers@yahoogroups.com, David
wrote:
>
> I have been asked to do a baby shower show (late teen
> and early 20's all 18+). I am asking everyone I know
> for some ideas that would make some good skits.
>
> If you have any Ideas please let me know.

You gotta be kidding....... start with eyes closed, Race car, motorcycle, horsie. Eyes open - smells, stinky, good, sexy. Hallucinations - Pants missing, Crowd naked, hypno breast enlarger gun..... You know where this is going...... something else,
whatever.... ORGASMS ORGASMS ORGASMS !!!

They will LOVE YOU!!!! Believe Me, the Women want ORGASMS !! Also, it is SURE.FIRE.NEVER.MIS! SES! no matter what.

I thought Washingtonians were lucky to have Tim Eyman writing our intitiaves, but we have a long way to go to catch up with our southern neighbors. The citizens of Oregon must receive a lot of comfort from the knowledge that their economic future is in Loren Parks' hands.