On Fridays, the general shares his vast sexual knowledge by offering advice to help you solve your real life sexual problems.
I can't go more than 15 or 20 seconds before I ejaculate. What can I do to increase my stamina?
--Eager, Beaver Dam, UT
Stop your damn whining. You're problem isn't stamina, it's gullibility. There is no such thing as a premature ejaculation. It's a myth promoted by men-hating femislamunists like Dr. Ruth and Susie Bright to destoy our confidence.
If you're lasting 15-20 seconds, you're lasting way too long. God created the sex act for one reason only, procreation. After five seconds, it becomes recreation, and that's a sin. You've got learn to get it in there, do your business, and get it out in time to go to the fridge and get another beer before the commercial break ends.
I've shaved my own time down to 3.7 seconds by thinking about baseball. I visualize Ichiro as he steps up to the plate, his strong, masculine hand aggressively groping his fearsome bulge, furiously making a last-second adjustment, straining to reach that moment of release when the package achieves sublime alignment..ohhhhh, yeah, mmmmmm.
OK, time for that beer.
Need sex advice from the General? Send him a note at firstname.lastname@example.org.