What Would John McCain Do

Rep. Michelle Bachmann
US House of Representatives

Dear Rep. Bachman,

At this time in our history, when so many other congressmen are exploiting trivial issues like restoring habeas corpus, and ending torture, domestic spying, and the war, it's good to see you boldly taking a stand in defense of one of our most essential liberties, the right of Americans to keep and bear incandescent light bulbs. For that, you've earned my eternal gratitude.

It's not going to be an easy battle. The forces of enviroslamunistofascism are already arraying themselves against your "Light Bulb Freedom of Choice Act." One would hope that once your colleagues receive the incandescent light bulb industry's most persuasive marketing materials, both in the form of cash and checks, they will reject the heretical climate change data foisted upon them by godless purveyors of science and sign on as co-sponsors of this vital piece of legislation.

But campaign contributions may not be enough. A bolder approach will probably be required. Perhaps you should look to Our Party's Leader, GOP nominee John McCain for guidance. Whenever he is faced with an obstacle, he responds with rage. Indeed, he goes absolutely apeshit, like the time when, according to Cliff Schecter's book, "The Real McCain," he physically assaulted Rep. Rick Renzi (R-Indicted). you might consider doing the same thing.

You know that at some point during the hearings, an incandescent light bulb grabber is going to bring out a florescent bulb to use as a prop. That's your opportunity. Take it from his hands, break it over the desk, and plunge its jagged edge into the bastard's neck. That'll get everyones attention. Then, you demand an immediate vote. There ain't no Congressman who's going to vote against you while you're standing there with a broken, bloody florescent tube in your hand. It's a can't lose strategy.

It's what John McCain would do.

Heterosexually yours in a biblically acceptable kind of way.

Gen. JC Christian, patriot