I will not be a sitzpinkler for the FBI

Erik Swanson
Police Sergeant, Investigations
Joint Terrorism Task Force
University of Minnesota Police

Dear Sgt. Swanson,

I understand you are looking for undercover hippies to infiltrate Republican National Convention protester cells by showing up at “vegan potlucks.” I'm interested in volunteering, especially if I can get a gun and a badge, but before I do, I have a few questions I need answered.

First, do I have to eat the vegan food? Would it be ok if I just brought a baloney sandwich with me? I could put it on that whole wheat bread the hippies like so much.

I have sandals, a tie-died shirt, bellbottom pants, and a Beatles wig I bought back when I volunteered to infiltrate the Raging Grannies. I never went through with it then, because the FBI demanded that I remove the sacred symbol of my office, my cop mustache. There's no way I'm going to do that. It took me a long time to grow, and in order to fill in the sparse spots, I had to super-glue-in thousands of tiny strands of hair I gathered by shaving my dog, Butch. While it might be nice to not smell dog whenever I shower or wash my face, I don't want to go through that process again. I'm sure you understand.

Finally, I want to make sure that we're only going after protesters and not actual delegates to the convention. I do not want to be assigned to toe-tapping duty in restrooms at the Minneapolis Airport. Not only would it require me to rat out virtually the entire delegations of South Carolina, Tennessee, and Kansas, I would be required to sitzpinkel and that would be a violation of my religious beliefs.

Please respond soon.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot