Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

If you like the patriotic work we're doing, please consider donating a few dollars. We could use it. (if asked for my email, use "")

Friday, May 23, 2008

Helmet Tip: Submission From the Top

On Fridays, the general shares his vast sexual knowledge by offering advice to help you solve your real life sexual problems.

Dear General,

My wife likes to be on top when we make love. That doesn't feel right to me. It makes me feel like a damned sitzpinkler.

Bob in Bothwell

Dear Butch,

You're right to feel that way. In the Bible, God commands wives to be submissive to their husbands. That's hard to do when the wife is on top--at least it is for men like us. Notice I said "hard" rather than impossible. It can be done.

You have to make it a chore for her, something she does, not for enjoyment, but as an unpleasant act of submission. Usually, women find the sex act, by it's very nature, to be unpleasant. That's been my experience.

But from your description it sounds like your wife enjoys it. You should consider enrolling her in some kind of counseling or exorcism with your pastor. It works. I sent OfJoshua to pastoral counseling when she stopped throwing up after sex as often as she use to. It takes a lot of time--she often had spend whole weekends with him at special pastoral resorts--but it was worth it. She hates sex more now than ever before.

If, even after counseling, she still wants to be on top, I'd suggest that you try to turn it into a more masculine event; the kind of event that brings out the Spartan warrior within you. It's fairly easy to do. All you need is a wetsuit, a pair of scissors, a nice strap-on harness with a good, flexible silicone probe (I suggest Pleasure Me Now's Bend Over Beginner's Kit; they have it on sale right now for &69.95), and, of course, the will to roll over. The wetsuit and scissors (used to cut an entrance in the back of the wetsuit) are optional, but I think they add a little Christianity to the Spartaness of the act.


Need sex advice from the General? Send him a note at

No comments:

Post a Comment

We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.