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Friday, May 23, 2008
McCain Considers Rejecting Torquemada's Endorsement
Posted by mjs
Tomás de Torquemada, in Happier Times
According to sources deep within his own mind, Senator John McCain's run for President of the United States is preparing to throw one more endorsement under the bus. Tomás de Torquemada, who had been campaigning for the Senator in basements across the country while demonstrating his shiny black Strapmaster Pastor Blaster may become the latest casualty in McCain's "Rejection Express." "We had to get another bus because there were so many lobbyists and Raputurists under the other one we couldn't get it out of the parking garage," said campaign spokesman Ralph Cashkow, a former and current lobbyist who states that he only "lobbies for dictatorships on weekends."
Billy Mackinaw, John McCain's personal driver and a former and current lobbyist, noticed how crowded it was under the bus during a routine inspection designed to find any residual body parts beneath its creaking hulk. "I can drive her with four, five, maybe even six bodies wrapped around the axle, but put more than that beneath this baby and I can't get her out of first gear." The chief mechanic for the McCain team, former and current lobbyist Ed "Ed" Stumpminder, concurred. "She could use some lime and flower arrangements. I told John he should get another bus, one that rides higher above the ground. Our intern, former and future lobbyist Kit Sorgum, said he would make a few calls to an RV dealership in Tucson where they owe him favors and a lobbying post, and we'll be back on the road with barely a thud."
Steve Kachingko, a currently former and soon to be future lobbyist and acting head of the McCain team's Former, Current and Future Lobbyists Club, wants to reassure the Catholic community that the Torquemada repudiation will in no way stop John from respecting whatever it is they want him to respect. "John said to me, "Tell me what to do, and I'll try to remember to do it," said Kachingko while traveling through Spunkers, Idaho on his way to some place or another.
Torquemada, who is dead, has denied that he is a former lobbyist. "Don't pull any of your bewitching tense obstruction on me. Nothing former about it. I lobby all the time. I pick up the cell phone, I make some calls, and the gilders, er, Euros come flying in. Watch me lobby now, water boy." Torquemada proceeded to shake a Strapmaster Pastor Blaster at this reporter's face, which I have to admit was kind of exciting.
As promised, the new High Rider RV showed up and already had three lobbyists and two End Timers wedged in the wheel wells. John McCain and company's Rejection Express took off down the road, with only the faintest of screams audible above the cries of circling vultures. This reporter (and former lobbyist) knows greatness when he sees it, and looks forward to selling access to that greatness whenever he can.
at 2:13 PM