Superintendent, Pasco County School District
Land O' Lakes, FL
cc: Dave Estabrook
Principal, Rushe Middle School
Dear Superintendent Fiorentino,
I never thought I'd write a letter asking you to fire Principal Dave Estabrook. His work at Rushe Middle School has been exemplary until now. Indeed, I thought he was the only living principal who truly understood the threat wizardofascism poses to America's children. His actions certainly supported my conclusion. He had, after all, prompted the firing of a teacher for engaging in wizardry by performing a "magic trick" in class.
But today, I learned that perhaps the firing was merely a ruse he employed to draw attention away from his own satanic activity, an annual event he calls "picture day." Every Spring, Mr. Estabrook invites witches and sorcerers into his school where they use strange devices of demonic origin to capture children's souls and imprison them on pieces of paper. He then ransoms off the imprisoned souls in glossy 8x10 and wallet-sized purgatorial dungeons to the desperate parents of his soulless victims.
This soul thievery must end now. You have no choice. You must fire Mr. Estabrook, immediately.
Heterosexually yours in a chaste and biblically appropriate kind of way,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot