McCain's Houses Admit to Jealously, Envy

(Yuma, Arizona) John McCain's houses are in serious need of being put into some kind of order, at least according to an Arizona Realtor who asked to remain anonymous. "His domiciles are constantly fighting for his attention, trying to one-up each other in a frenzied attempt to be his first choice for the night," said anonymous Realtor Stan Pronder. "They are not above trashing each other's yards or ripping out wiring from garage fuse boxes. One even toilet-papered a McCain McMansion in Tucson--unremarkable, except that it was used toilet paper."

McCain declined to comment on the story, stating that he has a firm commitment to being somewhere else, and when he figures out where that somewhere is, well, "whatever." "My friends, I have to go now," said the Senator, who picked up a megaphone and yelled, "I was a POW, okay? Kings X, motherfuckers! I'm your goddamn President!"

McCain's wife, who used to blow him when he was still living with his first wife (all part of at least one POW's lot in life) stated that John just needs to be John. Asked if there was any truth to the rumor that her husband has begun seeing a Key Biscayne condominium, Cindy laughed the query off and proceeded to tear a phone book in half.

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