Texas Sate School Board
Dear Mrs. Leo,
I read about the ugly confrontation you recently had with Barney the Dinosaur. I know at first glance, it may have seemed like just another attempt by the secularists to poison our children's minds with science, but their choice of Barney hints at an even more sinister purpose.
Just take a look at him. He's as purple as a church deacon in The Castro on a Saturday night. Don't you doubt for a moment why he's colored in that hue. He's purple for a purpose. He's telling the world he's out and proud and here to recruit our children by pushing his homosexual agenda in their schools.
He's a huge threat to our efforts to put God back into the classroom. And you, as one of God's staunchest defenders on the school board, have to stop him. Now, you're not going to get anywhere challenging his science curriculum or attacking his homosexual agenda. We've been trying to defeat both for years without success. You need to take another approach; you need to bring him into Christ's fold.
I suggest you try to convert him to Mormonism. Yes, I know it's kind of cultish and all, but it does offer an advantage you can't find in any other sect--it will bleach the purple right out of his 5000 year-old hide. According to Mormon scripture, his skin will turn "white and delightsome" once he joins the Lord's team. Then, he'll be useless to the Gay and their scientist co-demons.
Heterosexually yours in a chaste and biblically appropriate kind of way,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot