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Wednesday, December 31, 2008

2008: The Year in Hair

It is that time when the old and new media bid adieu to the past year and herald in the new by writing retrospectives. Most will be tributes to the events and people who shaped our great nation and world, but few, if any, will give proper credit to the hair that brought form to it all.

That's the job left to me.

Like Sampson of old, many of the greatest men and women of 2008 derived much of their power from their hair. This list examines but a few of them, for it is meant to serve only as a starting point for your own recollections on this New years Eve.

Let us begin with the hair of Our Glorious Leader, George W Bush. Gray one day and brown the next, the Chosen One's hair served as a threat level indicator to a fearful public. Times of relative calm were announced with shades of ancient dirty white, while a deep chocolate, symbolic of youth and vigor, signaled a crisis like dropping poll numbers or cash-flow problems in the lobbying sector. Ever-shifting polychromatic hair is not easily managed, but Our Leader boldly and bravely met the challenge by constantly adjusting his body chemistry via an internal application of alcohol.

Mitt Romney entered the primaries wearing a hair-helmet possessing adamantine properties. But alas, although it could withstand the strength of hurricane force winds, it lacked the power to bring him victory. Some blame it on a 0.03 micron shift in the position of hair number 1,327,811-B that occurred during the Great Romney Scalp Quake of January 12, 2008. Me, I prefer to blame it on a conspiracy of gay cosmetologists.

I caught a lot of flack when I first wrote about Staten Island congressional candidate Fran Powers Jr's hair. Some readers felt it was unfair to assume the women-repulsing power of his doo had anything to do with him becoming a libertarian. But hey, how could such an angrily chaotic hairstyle leave him anything but kissless and open to the mentally masturbatorial fantasies of libertarianism? Unfortunately, the power of his coif did not extend beyond repulsing women--he failed in his quest to beat the Republican candidate, his father, Fran Powers Sr.

Powers Sr was selected by the Republicans to run for that seat after the previous occupant, Vito Fossella, resigned so he could spend more time with his families. You see, Fossella, a family-values congressman with a family in Staten Island, also had a secret family in Virginia. He never intended to have two families, but a freak accident caused him to impregnate a very close friend, Laura Fay. 

Fossella's problem stemmed from his hair, which was widely considered to be the oiliest since John C. Calhoon's in the mid-nineteenth century. Indeed, it was so greasy, the oil constantly slid down his body and collected in his briefs. His briefs became particularly oily one night, while he was chatting with Fay, and his little Congressman became overly excited as it slid around against the soft but slippery cotton. It eventually erupted, and the resulting ejaculatory spasms created tremendous hydraulic pressures within his pants. Soon, the fabric was breached and a high pressure stream of oil and man-juice shot out and impregnated Ms Fay.

It is impossible to gaze upon Sarah's magnificent coif without slipping into a nostalgic state and dreaming about hair's glory days in the seventies. She is Karen Valentine astride a van de graaff generator, her traditional rural western schoolmarm hairstyle brought into the kind of fullness that can only be achieved trough the application of at least 100,000 volts. But it's silky softness is deceptive. It has the power to ward off everything from witches spells to Godless logic and reason. It will serve her well in her run for the presidency.

The general consensus about Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich's breathtakingly massive hair is that it's some kind of tribute to the topiary skills of the master gardeners of Graceland. That may be the case, the dramatic curve of its crest no less than six inches above his scalp is reminiscent of the body of a Fender Telecaster shaped from the stems and branches of a juniper hedge. But I think it Blago's hair serves a more utilitarian purpose. Consider the sheer number of pens, paperclips, staplers and other supplies that could be smuggled out of an office in that doo. In just a few short weeks, he could set up an office supply store that could rival Staples or Office Depot.

Finally, let's end this with a tribute to the greatest patch of pseudo-hair I've seen this year, Trent Lott's toupee. A gift awarded to him by the astroturf industry for his work blocking turf-toe legislation, the piece served Lott well during his many years in the Senate. Hopefully it will serve him just as well in his retirement. The funny thing about the piece is that Lott has a full head of hair and doesn't actually need it. He wears it because someone once commented that his bangs "looked a little bit negro." I believe it was Haily Barbour who said that, or maybe it was another former RNC Chair or potential RNC Chair.

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.