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Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Christmas comes but once a year (if that)

Rev. T. Scott Christmas
Grace Community Church
Jacksonville, Florida

Dear Rev. Christmas,

I want to commend you for identifying and publicly rebuking the fornicator in your midst. I'm sure she felt very ashamed when you detailed her sinful acts for your congregation. I bet it was particularly humiliating for her to see the expressions on the faces of her two adult children who were present as you singled her out as a slattern and a whore.

No doubt Jesus wept with joy.

The good ladies of Grace Community Church deserve kudos as well. If they hadn't sat outside her house to ascertain if the fornicatress returned home at night, you may have never learned of her sins.

That said, I feel I must rebuke you for failing to apply all the biblically-required sanctions. Specifically, I'm referring to the punishment outlined in Deut. 22:21, or "Fellowship by Stoning" as I like to refer to it. There's no better way to build a bond between congregants than to get them together for a good, old fashioned stoning. Sharing a bloody homicidal experience always brings people closer together.

But you want to do it right. that means good smooth river stones that break bones while minimizing messy lacerations.I mean hey, who wants to take home a jagged rock with bloody bits of flesh on it as a souvenir? 

And since I mentioned souvenirs, I'm pretty sure I can get you stones from the River Jordan for about $300 a pound (plus shipping). Now that'd make it a stoning that'd be cherished for generations. Think about it. Your great great great grandchildren could hold a stone from the River Jordan that you used to rupture a sinner's spleen. Now, that's what I call an heirloom.

And heck, what about those good ladies who helped you out with the spying. It'd be a shame to ban them from the stoning. Yes, I know it isn't exactly Biblical but would it be all that wrong to hook them up with some fake beards. I hear Gary Bauer knows all about beards. Maybe you could introduce him to the ladies.

That takes care of the fornicatress. What about her partner? Is he a member of your congregation? If so, did you do anything about him? You know what I mean. Did you take him out, buy him a few beers, and call him a "sly dog" as you grinned and slapped him on the back?

I hope so.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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