Muslims are after me Lucky Charms

I'm very saddened by the demise of Pajamas Media. Their dedication to investigative journalism will be sorely missed. They were always my prime source of information on such important stories as the placement of secret Muslim symbols in our monuments and secret Islamic messages in Mattel's talking dolls.

Although it is a sad day, I will not mourn Pajama's Media death. Instead, I will honor them with the kind of important, hard-hitting investigative journalism that made them what they are today. So please join me as I expose Islam's breakfast jihad.

It all started as I was starting my morning in the usual way with a Twinkie, a Mountain Dew, and a big bowl of Lucky Charms. I'll never forget that moment. I was bringing a spoonful of oaty goodness to my mouth when I spotted it, a crescent, the symbol of Islam. And it wasn't just any old Muslim marshmallow crescent.This one sported a bulge in its midsection, a big bulge, a mighty package. It was if the entire Islamic world was mocking me. One billion people pointing at my rather smooth crotchal area, taunting me, questioning my manhood, and declaring the superiority of Muslim masculinity.

Sure, it is a subtle form of propaganda, but it derives its power from its subtlety. Millions of Americans view that crescent every day and the vile image of its package sears itself into their brains. There it sits as the brain subconsciously processes over the remainder of the day. Then, at bedtime, we men are overcome with feelings of inadequacy as our wives look at our little soldiers and laugh and call us names like "General Dinky-Dong" without really understanding why they are motivated to do so.


But how do we know this crescent is indeed a Muslim crescent and not simply a well-endowed moon? Well, the box gives us a clue. Take a look at the leprechaun. We're supposed to believe he's Irish, but as my analysis demonstrates, he's an Islamochaun, a homicide-bomber from Islam's evil leprechaun armies of jihad.

It's all in the wavelengths. Irish green measures 506 nanometers (nm). Islam greens range from 510 to 517 nm. After repeatedly scanning the Lucky Charms leprechaun, I determined that the green in his clothing averaged 514 nm in wavelength with certain areas exactly matching the wavelength of the Saudi flag (512 nm), the Pakistani flag (516 nm) and Muammar al-Qadhafi's Little Green Book (514 nm).


But is simply being an Islam shade of green enough? No, it could just be a coincidence. That's why I decided to take a look at how the General Mills headquarters building--General Mills produces Lucky Charms--physically lines up with Islam's most holy city, Mecca. So I consulted an Qibla calculator (Qibla is the direction Muslims face when praying) and found that Mecca is 43.74° N degrees from GM's hq.


I then mapped it out and found that the line between General Mills HQ and Mecca went directly through Norway and Sweden, foreign places where the national dish is lutefisk--a kind of jellied fish much like the Arab dish, maraq samak sana'd except it's soaked in lye rather than tomato sauce and doesn't stink as badly.

We all know that Swedes and Norwegians are a very handsome, but randy, people, and that our wives often think about them during intimate moments. This, like the mental images of the crescent bulge, affects American patriots' marital relationships, causing feelings of inadequacy in men and contempt for husbands in women. So you see, Swedes, Norwegians, and Muslims are all after our white women. That's what the Lutefisk Line is all about.