Dear Mr. Hi-Caliber,
One of my men sent me the address to your "Space Page" and suggested that I invite you to perform at our Men's Purity Revival and Survivalist Fair in October. I think that's a swell idea. We want to really get the young men involved this year.
I know all the kids these days like the rap music. I thought it was pretty groovy back when I first heard The Jaggerz do it back in '71 or so. Do you like The Jaggerz? "Rap, rap, rap, they call him the rapper." I love that, hahaha, or should I say "lol," hahaha. See, I still know a thing or two about what the kids are digging.
Anyway, we're looking at Las Vegas in October. It's going to be a heck of a lot of manly fun. We'll have purity discussions and films, military-style training, Christian Spartan-style wrestling, spiritual warfare, and an Oktoberfest party where we'll drink real near beer and do that Bavarian dance where guys slap each other.
We'd need you to do a rap song at the beginning of each day (four in all), and do two or three raps before and after the wrestling. You'd be free to do whatever you'd like the rest of the time, but we'd hope you'd choose to attend our activities--nothing else to do in Las Vegas that's uplifting anyway.
At least one of your songs would have to be about the sin of masturbation and another about why we should hate the gay. That shouldn't be too hard for you to do. Cletis says you can really "break the rhymes." Other than that, you can sing about anything that's conservative in nature.
Hey, I understand that Michael Savage converted you to conservatism. A song about him would be great. Maybe you could turn his letters to Allen Ginsberg into lyrics. That, my friend, would be very groovy.
We'd pick up airfare, four nights in the hotel, food (if you eat with us), shooting range fees, riding crop, and lederhosen (for the party). What other compensation would you require?
We hope you'll accept. We think having a rapper will really help us bond with the younger men.
Gen. JC Christian, patriot