Conservative Rapper
Dear Mr. Hi-Caliber,
One of my men sent me the address to your "Space Page" and suggested that I invite you to perform at our Men's Purity Revival and Survivalist Fair in October. I think that's a swell idea. We want to really get the young men involved this year.I know all the kids these days like the rap music. I thought it was pretty groovy back when I first heard The Jaggerz do it back in '71 or so. Do you like The Jaggerz? "Rap, rap, rap, they call him the rapper." I love that, hahaha, or should I say "lol," hahaha. See, I still know a thing or two about what the kids are digging.
Anyway, we're looking at Las Vegas in October. It's going to be a heck of a lot of manly fun. We'll have purity discussions and films, military-style training, Christian Spartan-style wrestling, spiritual warfare, and an Oktoberfest party where we'll drink real near beer and do that Bavarian dance where guys slap each other.
We'd need you to do a rap song at the beginning of each day (four in all), and do two or three raps before and after the wrestling. You'd be free to do whatever you'd like the rest of the time, but we'd hope you'd choose to attend our activities--nothing else to do in Las Vegas that's uplifting anyway.
At least one of your songs would have to be about the sin of masturbation and another about why we should hate the gay. That shouldn't be too hard for you to do. Cletis says you can really "break the rhymes." Other than that, you can sing about anything that's conservative in nature.
Hey, I understand that Michael Savage converted you to conservatism. A song about him would be great. Maybe you could turn his letters to Allen Ginsberg into lyrics. That, my friend, would be very groovy.
We'd pick up airfare, four nights in the hotel, food (if you eat with us), shooting range fees, riding crop, and lederhosen (for the party). What other compensation would you require?
We hope you'll accept. We think having a rapper will really help us bond with the younger men.
Heterosexually yours,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
I couldn't bring myself to look upon those videos. Rap reminds me of brown people, and the fear is too great to overcome.
ReplyDeleteMy inner Frenchman thinks that the only white rapper worth a damn is Sage Francis.
How well I remember "The Rapper" - available on K-Tel! 20 Original Hits - 20 Original Artists! Thanks.
ReplyDeletePlus - there's lots of cowbell!
ReplyDeleteGeneral, Sir:
ReplyDeleteThat, Sir, is some "bad shit". And I don't mean that in the sense that Tommy Chong might.
If you'll excuse me for sounding off. Stuff like this is why I quit beleiving in a merciful GOD (the wrathful one, oh yeah, he's real!). If there was such a being, he woulda whacked both of these fuckers before they had a chance to pollute the air with their (c)rap.
General, Sir:
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid it is not altogether clear to me just what it is that the gentleman they call "The Rapper" is in fact after. Is it pussy?
Praise Jesus that America has someone making rap music safe for white people! And I don't mean those Vanilla Spice or Kid Rank characters, either. They come across as a little too ack-blay, if you catch my drift. But anyone who raps about the Fairness Doctrine and Al Gore's jet... why, he's going to captivate the youth of the Republicanation!
ReplyDeleteGeneral, Sir:
ReplyDeleteI just got around to catching Mr. Hi-C's musical stylings (my previous comment was in re the incomparable The Jaggerz with a z) and all I can say is what I saw someone else post on a blog somewhere else not long ago: Fuck that fucking asshole.
General, Sir:
ReplyDeleteDoes Pat Boone know this guy's stolen his schtick of stealing a black art form and distorting beyond comprehension so that it will appeal to the reptilicans?
Reuben Drones:
I love, Love, LOVE that saying. Is it alright if I borrow it for a while, "Fuck that fucking asshole", it just has a certain jay nay so kwa about it.
General, Sir:
ReplyDeleteCould you ask Mr. Hi Caliber (is that the same thing as a "big bore"?) if he could work up a rap about the new Headcheese Without Portfolio, of the the Reptilicans, Mr. Rush Limbaugh? I was going to but it's difficult to find lines that rhyme with "fucking douchebag".
General, Sir:
ReplyDeleteIf Michael Savage is there, and he wants to "...bond with the younger men.", he just needs to mix some superglue into his astroglide.