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Tuesday, March 24, 2009

No Falafels For Lunch

Ellen Augello
It Happened To Alexa Foundation

Dear Mrs. Augello,

It was a bold move to ask Bill O'Reilly to host your fundraising luncheon. Most rape victim support organizations would shy away from inviting someone who blames victims for their fashion choices. But the Alexa Foundation is different. You're all about breaking paradigms, and I salute you for that.

But now, the news that he sent a camera crew to stalk a woman--trailing her for hours before finally confronting her while she was on vacation miles from home--is likely to turn your O'Reilly appearance into a full-fledged PR crisis.

You're in a tough spot now. You can't really cancel it. He doesn't take "no"for an answer--that's especially true if it's a woman saying it. But you can't really go through with the luncheon either. Imagine the black eye you'd receive if the event were picketed by rape survivors.

I have a solution to your dilemma. Ask O'Reilly to do a fund raiser that can't be picketed. I'm thinking along the lines of one of those auction s where celebrities donate a few hours of their time to have dinner with the highest bidder. But instead of dinner, have O'Reilly re-enact one of his famous calls to Andrea Makris. What woman wouldn't want O'Reilly to attempt to seduce her over the phone while he's pleasuring himself with a ReamMaster 5000? For men, there's the lure of O'Reilly's description of his showering techniques--who could resist that. The bidding can all be done on-line.

And you could still hold the fund raising luncheon. Just replace O'Reilly with a speaker who is more positively identified with women's issues. I bet Joey Buttafuco is available.

I hope I've been helpful. Please let me know if I can provide more assistance.

Heterosexually yours in a chaste, biblical, and no-spin zone kind of way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. Inspired by you:

    You are a true master of your craft. Keep up the good work!

  2. How about auctioning off Bill-O doing a live reading of his masterpiece Those Who Trespass.
    Can you imagine the thrill a rape survivor would get hearing Bill-O's voice intoning the words "Hey baby put down that pipe and get on this pipe"? Oh man those would be good times.

  3. General, Sir:

    I lasted about 2:37. I mean the bariporn that guy was singing was a lot to deal with; but it was the oboe player directly behind him that made it impossible for me to continue without a "time out"--nowhudi'msayin'?

    I hope Billiar doesn't see this video. He'll be calling that oboeist next.

  4. Billy the sex predator knows that he shares the "women hate me" pheromone with Fats Limbaugh, he just deals with it differently. He preys on them, Fats buys adolescent third world hookers. Both share gooper values, both would happily sentence you to life for the same behavior.

  5. Anonymous9:46 AM

    I can name that tune in three bars …

  6. The actual quote is: "Hey baby, put that pipe down and get my pipe up."

    Sorry. I'm a stickler.

  7. Just make sure you don't dress provacatively in those bars, Dave, or you'll just be asking for what happens. Me, I always wear buttless chaps and a balloon codpiece, but not everybody can pull that off.

  8. My Bro,

    I like to make sexy talk when I order take out. I always have great anticipation that some hot little tramp shows up with my food, but all I usually get is Sum Yung Gi.


  9. General, SIr:
    Fuck me. The actual, actual quote from Mr. O'Reilly's marvelous tome is, "Hey baby, put down that pipe and get my pipe up."

    So much for being a stickler.

    Now I have to denigragte myself. To accomplish this, I just came up with a great idea. I'm thinking of putting on some buttless chaps and a balloon codpiece although I'm really pretty sure I can't pull that off. God willing I can't, at any rate.

  10. Very well done, General. I had forgotten about that opera. The first time I saw it, I piddled, cried and got a side cramp all at once.


  11. Great music lives forever. What a brilliant libretto.

  12. General, Sir:

    It seemed a little (how can I best say this?) um, "light in the loafers". Check that, it was WAY FUCKING GAY, BABY, Sir. It needs a much more manly, mannish treatment. I'm thinking Gilbert & (Andrew) Sullivan--Madame Loofahlafel, perhaps?

  13. One for Al Jolson

    Hey baby, put down that pipe and get my pipe up
    I'm feeling lonely
    Use two hands on my PVC--one for you and one for me
    because I need some love now
    Take three quarts of baby oil and oil this baby up
    I'll bring the cubes of butter if you'll be my buttercup, oh...

    Hey baby, put down that pipe and get my pipe up
    I've got a notion
    I'd like to steer my ding-dong dingy
    Right into your ocean
    So when you're feeling blue, exhausted and bushed
    I'll get to hopping with falafels and baba ganoush
    Yeah, baby...



We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.