L. Brent Bozell III
President, Media Research Center
Dear Mr. Bozell,
At first, I didn't know what to think when Joe the Plumber strode up to the podium at your awards banquet and declared, "I am horny." Such a statement seemed out of place at an event run by a guy who once crusaded against Michael Jackson's "happy man loaf." But after watching it again, I noticed that Mr. the Plumber was introduced while Lee Greenwood's patriotic meal-ticket, God bless the USA blared over the loudspeakers.
And that's when it struck me. Joe the plumber is horny for America. I can understand that. Who hasn't had a purity crisis while considering Wyoming's Grand Tetons or the watermelon fields of Alabama.
But it's not always a Godly kind of horniness. Sometimes, a guy looks at a map and sees Florida thrusting hard into the warm, willing waters of the Gulf, and it does something to him. It makes him think about certain things and how the light falls on them as they strain against the fabric of a sailors pants. You know what I mean. You start thinking about Florida, and the next thing you know, you wake up naked, sore, and sticky in a restroom at a place called the Manhole. And no matter what you do, you can't get those Gloria Gaynor songs out of your head.
No wonder Joe the Plumber was horny.
We need to do something about it. Of course the easiest thing to do would be to change the maps. Your organization could lead the effort.
My first thought was that we could move the Dominican Republic up next to Florida and turn it all into a boot like those Italians have. But that'd just make Rush horny and he'd wind up driving into the Gulf. We'd end up leaderless.
So, maybe it's a better idea to tuck it up under Mississippi and Alabama. You know, like Sen. Lindsey Graham likes to do at those retreats. That's always a lot of fun.
Let me know if I can help.
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
