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Monday, March 23, 2009

It's time to stop getting horny about America

L. Brent Bozell III
President, Media Research Center

Dear Mr. Bozell,

At first, I didn't know what to think when Joe the Plumber strode up to the podium at your awards banquet and declared, "I am horny." Such a statement seemed out of place at an event run by a guy who once crusaded against Michael Jackson's "happy man loaf." But after watching it again, I noticed that Mr. the Plumber was introduced while Lee Greenwood's patriotic meal-ticket, God bless the USA blared over the loudspeakers.

And that's when it struck me. Joe the plumber is horny for America. I can understand that. Who hasn't had a purity crisis while considering Wyoming's Grand Tetons or the watermelon fields of Alabama.

But it's not always a Godly kind of horniness. Sometimes, a guy looks at a map and sees Florida thrusting hard into the warm, willing waters of the Gulf, and it does something to him. It makes him think about certain things and how the light falls on them as they strain against the fabric of a sailors pants. You know what I mean. You start thinking about Florida, and the next thing you know, you wake up naked, sore, and sticky in a restroom at a place called the Manhole. And no matter what you do, you can't get those Gloria Gaynor songs out of your head.

No wonder Joe the Plumber was horny.

We need to do something about it. Of course the easiest thing to do would be to change the maps. Your organization could lead the effort.

My first thought was that we could move the Dominican Republic up next to Florida and turn it all into a boot like those Italians have. But that'd just make Rush horny and he'd wind up driving into the Gulf. We'd end up leaderless.

So, maybe it's a better idea to tuck it up under Mississippi and Alabama. You know, like Sen. Lindsey Graham likes to do at those retreats. That's always a lot of fun.

Let me know if I can help.

Gen. JC Christian, patriot




10 comments:

  1. Couldn't we just admit that Florida is a giant strap-on that was intended to swing up and into Texas, where it is to be repeatedly shoved into the Lone Star's coolio, over and over and over until slightly more than half of Dallas runs out of clean towels? I mean, are we embarrassed by this factitudinal reality?

    Look: we've got Joe the Plumber front and center to save our country! What else on this good, green earth could possibly make us blush?

    ++++

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  2. factitudinal !

    mjs, I swoon when you say that!

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  3. I had sex, once, and still I have no idea what a "coolio" is. Still, if you ask me, it looks like Texas is asking for it.

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  4. Well, everything is bigger/biggest in Texas, [so they say]. I am sure Texas' coolio is the biggest of anywhere on earth. Surely, it would take a landmass like Florida to properly fill it.

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  5. No one knows just what exactly a coolio is, but its location has been determined to be north of Monterrey, Mexico and south of Oklahoma. Some theorists have speculated that, at any given time, there are two coolios in Texas, both
    sufficiently sized to admit Florida's ardor (btw: contrary to current mythology a coolio is not a coochie with cold beer stored inside).

    Many so-balled(sic) experts believe that the gulf between the two states is too large to admit sexual congress, but that doesn't mean it won't happen. There are Google Earth images of Key West copping a feel of Galveston during last year's hurricane season. It's not as sexy as it sounds.

    ++++

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  6. Mr. MJS, Sir:

    Was Texas asking for it by wearing a tight border fence?

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  7. democommie,

    Sure. Yes. And Florida has the slivers to prove it. Though according to his pimp, Texas is so full of itself there was hardly any room left for a romantic intruder. Hah! Fat chance, that! The old fella just heaves a sigh and shifts a thigh and then its Hello there, Everglades...

    ++++

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  8. General, Sir:

    Forget Texas, Mount Redoubt, AK has erupted five times (and was observed to be smoking, after it's latest ejectulation). What the hell's next, California slidin' into the ocean, like the mystics and statistics say it will?

    Mr. MJS, Sir:

    I thought Coolio was a rapper.

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  9. I believe it was the late great B. Kliban who once said, “Hey Europe – eat my Florida!”

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  10. LOL LOL LOL! I have thoroughly enjoyed this post and I just must visit Coolio.....

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.