Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

If you like the patriotic work we're doing, please consider donating a few dollars. We could use it. (if asked for my email, use "gen.jc.christian@gmail.com.")
Thanks!
Showing posts with label Hie thee to Kolob. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hie thee to Kolob. Show all posts

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Men with huge forearms holding long, hard, rigid shafts of steel

These illustrations from the Book of Mormon serve as a testament to the Mormon Church's commitment to the heterosexual lifestyle. Imagine, what effect such images must have on young LDS boys as they grow into manhood. It is no wonder that they become such strong warriors for heterosexuality in adulthood.


Doesn't Captain Moroni look very butch standing there holding the Banner of Heterosexual Supremacy upon which is written, "Give up your gold to buy murals defending love segregation in the Land of Zarahemla." The men below him seem to be extremely excited, perhaps even turgidly so, as they point 24 inches of long, hard steel at his Globes of Manly Secretions.


Here Ammon defends his concubines from an evil man wielding a stout and firm rod.


Two thousand "stripling warriors" march into battle wearing their Mighty Codpieces of Rigidity.


Nephi's Popeye-like forearms were so powerful, he could forge steel in one hand while kicking his brothers' asses with the other. Sure, he might look like Sly Stallone, but he whoops ass like Chuck Norris. And, uh, he's wearing a kind of kilt--it's not a skirt.


Lehi might have liked to decorate his tent with fancy gold baubles, but by God, they were heavy gold baubles that cold be used to smash a man's skull.


King Noah had the greatest forearms in all the land. They struck fear into the hearts of all who saw them. Here, Abinadi pleads with the king to spare him the indignity of violating the guy bent over behind him.


Samuel the cabin boy was so proud of his forearms he laid them out on the ship railing all day long hoping someone might compare them favorably to Nephi's.



I bet Orson Scott Card has huge forearms like that.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

The Running of the Gays

Scott Beck
President & Chief Executive Officer
Salt Lake Convention & Visitors Bureau

President Thomas S. Monson
Prophet, Seer, and Revelator
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints

Dear Presidents Beck and Monson

We all knew it had to happen sooner or later. Heck, I'm actually surprised it took this long for the Church to revise its promise not to clamp down on unapproved speech on the block of prime real estate the city gave the Church for a song. But now it's happened. The Church Security Apparatus roughed up and arrested a pair of love criminals for the offense of holding hands and cheek pecking.

So where does it go from here? The gay and their allies have already held one kiss-in. No doubt there will be many others in the future. How are you going to stop them, water hoses and attack dogs? That ain't going to help tourism.

Let's all take a deep breath and try to look at it objectively. It's a problem of geography, really. The Church's pedestrian mall, the Main Street Plaza, is roughly sandwiched between the Avenues and the Gallivan Center. Think about that for a minute. It's a recipe for disaster.

The Gallivan center is a kind of artsy place with outdoor concerts, art shows, theater etc--just the types of things that attract the gay. The Avenues is a part of the city where Bob and Steve or Molly and Patty can find a grand old house to fix up and decorate. It's like a magnet for the gay. And then there's Temple Square and Main Street Plaza serving as a kind of the gay freeway between the two.

You're not going to change that without moving the Gallivan Center or the Avenues, and let's be realistic, that ain't going to happen. So maybe it would be better to turn the whole thing to your advantage.

President Kimball, let's be frank. Asking 19 and 20 year old men to forsake women and pair up and live in far away places to serve on missions is perhaps not the best way encourage heterosexuality. I mean, hey, is there anyone hornier than a 20 year old guy? You deny him the companionship of ladies and lock him in a room with another young guy and you're just asking them to slip each other the ol' urim and thummim.

Wouldn't it be great if you could test them before you sent them into the mission field? Well, Main Street Plaza is the perfect place to do just that. Think about it. Homosexuality's siren song is strong. They have that homomojo thing they do with their manly bulges that's nearly impossible to resist. That's why you've poured millions into the fight against the gay marriage. Why not test your prospective missionaries by having them line up on both sides of Main Street Plaza to observe the migration of the gay between the Gallivan Center and the Avenues. You're bound to find a few of the weaker ones succumbing to the siren song and attempting to do "the beast with two backs" right there with one of the pedestrians. Then it's just a matter of hauling him off to BYU for a little aversion therapy.

And Mr. Beck, I hope you're seeing the tourism possibilities here. This could become a huge attraction. Set up a few loudspeakers playing a driving techno beat as Orson Scott Card does a dramatic reading from his "call to war against marriage equality" and you've got one heck of a recurring event. All it needs is a great name.

I'm thinking, "The Running of the Gays."

What do you think?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Friday, May 01, 2009

Elders of Zion on Mission to Save Fellow Mormon, Bybee

In an undeniable example of modern-day revelation, God recently took a day off from enforcing love segregation and commanded six influential Mormons to come to torture memo author Jay Bybee's defense. No doubt anti-Mormons and gentiles will say it is merely coincidence (or perhaps even evidence of a Mormon public relations effort) that these elders of Zion all spoke out at the same time, but we believers know better. God wants to put a stop to all this impeachment talk about Judge Bybee.

This is an important revelation, and like other great revelations before it, I'm sure it will be added to the Doctrine and Covenants, one of the Church's four standard scriptural works (along with the Bible, Book of Mormon, and Pearl of Great Price). And I suppose when it is added, it will look something like this:
D&C Sec. 139. A Revaluation Given to Six Elders of Zion on March 23, 2009

1. And behold, the Spirit of the Lord descended upon seven Elders of Zion and commanded them to tarry unto the newspapers, radio, and the television shows and make excuses for Elder Jay Bybee's torture memos.

2. "Go now, Elder Harry Reid to the Maddow show," commandeth God,

3."And yea, also Elders Randall Guynn, Christopher L. Blakesley, Tuan Samahon, Thomas McAffee, and Steve Guynn go ye unto the Washington Post, Las Vegas CityLife, and that show on French Public Radio, All Things Considered."

4. "And telleth them this: 'Judge Bybee doth not deserve impeachment for his memos were written by others and he is incompetent.'"

5. "And prepareth thineselves to defend other Elders like Timothy E. Flanigan who also shapethed the torture policy and Elders James E. Mitchell and John B. Jessen who createthed the torture techniques."

6. "For I am a powerful and omniscient God who diggeth torture."

7. "Oh, and yea, I am the Lord yet I almost forgot, my servant Elder Orson Scott Card, I command thee to go say some really crazy shit about the gay."

Friday, April 24, 2009

What you did not know about the Romney/Giuliani Campaigns

I was fortunate enough to get access to both Romney and Giuliani campaigns during the primaries. I just now ran across across the transcripts I made of them, while looking for something else. Inasmuch as the post on Mel Sembler and Chris Buttars I've been working on for hours, just fell to pieces, I'll repost the Romney/Giuliani transcripts. They're pretty damned good I think.

Although I'm more of a Brownback/Tancredo man, I'm still very fascinated by how Rudy Giuliani and Mitt Romney engage each other by taking radically different approaches to addressing the same issues. Take the question of who can best fill Our Leader's black-footed ferret skin cowboy boots. Both candidates know how important it is to convince primary voters that they are up to the task, but as you can see from these meeting transcripts (Jesus' General Exclusive - Must Credit Jesus' General) they each decide on very different, but equally creative, solutions specifically tailored to highlight their best qualities.

***
Romney 2008
Strategy Meeting
Concord HQ

Attending:
Mitt "Willard" Romney
LaVar Holmgren
LaDell Hunsaker
LaVere Hansen
[For the sake of clarity, I will refer to the candidate as "Mitt" and the staff members as RMG (rich Mormon guy) 1, 2, and 3.

Mitt: Brother LaDell, will you thank Sister Holmquist and the Tremonton 4th Ward Relief Society for the red punch and green Jell-O with carrots and cottage cheese in it. You just can't get good LDS food here. I had to have it shipped in when I was governor.

RMG2: Already done, Elder Mitt, and I found a dependable Postum vender too.

Mitt: Swell. Before we get started, how do I smell today? Chris Matthews sent me a bottle of his favorite aftershave and a dozen roses. He thinks that makes up for the fact that he didn't call me after our last interview. He's not getting off that easy. He had my digits.

RMG 1: Oh my heck, they'll be writing about how good you smell all week.

Mitt: Swell. I'm a man who likes to smell good. Reporters dig that, and it distracts them from doing stories on my haircut.

OK, The first thing we need to do is come up with something that'll show the primary voters that I'll be as swell a decider as George Bush.

RMG 3: That'll be hard to do. You're not president so you can't start a land war in Asia or passively conduct an ethnic cleansing campaign in Louisiana.

RMG 1: Hey, you need a fundraiser. You should appoint a guy who made millions by systematically abusing troubled youth.

Mitt: That's a swell idea Brother LaVar, W had Mel Sembler. Great fundraiser, that guy, and even better at turning a buck by abusing troubled children. There can't be many Mel Semblers out there. Do you have anyone in mind?

RMG 1: Yeah, Utah is the capital of institutional child abuse centers. I bet I could name a dozen child abuse moguls who'd love to raise funds for you, but I think Brother Lichfield is our man. You might have to thank him by giving him an Ambassadorship like the one W gave Sembler though.

Mitt: Oh my heck, we better not offer him Sembler's Vatican appointment. We can't have an elder consorting with the Whore of Babylon.

(giggles all around)

Mitt: How well does he match up with Sembler? Is Brother Lichfield involved in a penis pump custody battle like the Ambassador?

RMG 3: I don't think so, but I bet we can arrange it to happen so there is no doubt your decisions are as good as Ws.

Mitt: OK, swell. Brother LaVar, call Brother LaVene and tell him to set up a meeting with me and Bob Lichfield.

And when are the sisters coming in? Cups of Postum don't make themselves.

Giuliani 2008
Strategy Meeting
Bensonhurst Social Club

Attending:
Rudy Giuliani
Bernie Kerik
Tony Eyeballs
"Ben" a "College Republicans for Rudy" volunteer

Rudy: We need to come up with an idea that'll show primary voters that I'm just as good at making decisions as W is.

Kerik: and we need to be able to skim a few bucks off of it.

Rudy: yes, that goes without saying Bernie. OK, I want ideas.

Ben: Well, you blow off important work to make meaningless patriotic speeches while getting down with a little "pumping music."

Rudy: Yeah, that's good Ben, but I only blew off the Iraq Study Group Meetings. That's not the same thing as blowing off Leader of the Free World type duties. I want something that equals or exceeds what W does.

Kerik: What about a war?

(Ben shrieks and cowers under a table.)

Tony Eyeballs: Fat Tony is leaning on me to give him points on the vig I'm getting from Jeanine Pirro. I say we go to war against his crew. Sure the Gambinos would crush us, but that's the kind of decision-making you're looking for isn't it?

Ben: Can I fight it by inviting Ann Coulter to speak at my university?

Kerik: It'll cost you ten points, Ben.

Rudy: OK, going to war with Fat Tony is a nonstarter. It'd affect our business down at the fishmarket. What else have you got?

Eyeballs: How much cocaine did you snort during the eighties?

Kerik: Did any of your wives drive a car over their boyfriends? Were any of them pot dealers when you married them?

Rudy: Those are great ideas, but how can we improve on them to demonstrate my decision making skills are even better than W's.

Kerik: And we need to be able to wet our beaks.

Eyeballs: I know a guy who knows a crack dealer who might be interested in running your South Carolina campaign.

Rudy: That exactly the kind of thing I'm looking for Eyeballs. Set up a meeting with him to talk about the job and how many points he's going to give us on his crack operation.

Kerik: Have I ever told you guys that I did it with Judith Regan.

(groans)

Rudy: every day, Bernie, every day.

Ben: What was it like Mr. Kerik? Did you see her naked? I heard girls don't have thingies like guys do. Is that true?

Rudy:
OK, I'm getting 100 Gs for a pumping music thing in Topeka. I've got to get to the airport. Let's roll.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Will Big Love Cause White Flight from Heaven?



Sonja Eddings Brown
Media Specialist
Southern California Public Affairs Council

Dear Mrs. Brown,

Thank you for the warning us about HBO's Big Love. I, too, am incensed that they would show one of the actors wearing temple garments.

That said, I don't think you considered your audience while writing your email. The sacredness angle is for gentiles*. It distracts them from the implications of requiring women to don beehive state burqas, men to dress up like "clean room" workers at a bio-warfare facility, and the silliness of putting little green fig-leaf aprons on both genders.

But gentiles aren't your mail list's audience. We're Mormons, and as such, we're more motivated by embarrassment than sacredness. You should have crafted your message around that.

You know after the show is aired, smirking coworkers and acquaintances are going to ask us about the garments (that is if they can get the words out between suppressed laughs). How do we respond to that? Do we tell them God wants us to dress up in 19th century masonic garb?

And what if Big Love shows more than the garments? What if it shows the endowments? We're going to be inundated with requests from people wanting us to teach them the secret handshakes that'll get them into the Celestial Kingdom. I can hear them now, "Come on JC, show us that "Sure Sign of the Nail, please. I want to see Jesus' face when I give him the ol' celestial fistbump and get in on a technicality."

Worse yet, what if they show the endowments close up, and every Tom, Dick, and Harry, or worse yet, Obama, learns the mechanics of the handshake. Consider the ramifications of that. We're just a handshake away from having a black family moving onto a planet next to ours in the Celestial Kingdom. Now that's the kind of thing that'd motivate your audience.

Oh, and oh my heck**, what if they bring up celestial marriage? We've done a fairly good job of distancing ourselves from polygamy on Earth, but what if everyone learns that we have no problems with plural marriage in the afterlife? We could catch so much heat that God would become uncomfortable enough to give the prophet a revelation saying that polygamy is banned there too. You know how God hates bad press. That's why he ended polygamy on Earth and gave the priesthood to blacks (not to mention the time he drowned every child in that great flood of his).

Darn it. I had dibs on Sophia Loren, Gong Li, Phyllis Schlafly, and most of the alto section of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Now, Big Love is going to screw that up.

Flippin' bodaggets.***

Heterosexually yours in a chaste and certainly not a 2 Nephi kind of way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


*Urim and Thummim translation of Mormon-speak: "Non-mormons (includes Jews.)"
**Urim and Thummim translation of Mormon-speak: "OMG!"
***Urim and Thummim translation of Mormon-speak: [Readers, please forgive me, but I have to provide an accurate translation] "Fucking balls of shit that cling to a sheep's ass-wool."

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Hometown Paper

I finally got around to subscribing to my hometown paper, The Tremonton Leader, and I thought I'd share a little bit of it with you.

But first, I better provide a glossary:

Ward - A Mormon congregation of about 200 people who live within defined geographical boundaries.
Primary - A Mormon church service for children under twelve held after school.
Relief Society - A Mormon organization for women.

CORINNE COMMENTS
Sandra Neff
Leader Correspondent
Century School sends a reminder for students to look their best Monday, Sept. 22. That is the day individual fall photos will be taken. Yearbook cover contest entries are due Friday, Sept. 26.
It has been announced that both Corinne Wards will present their annual Primary Programs on Sept. 28.
The First Ward had Relief Society sisters joined in a trunk or treasure night last week. Items no longer needed or those that no longer fit, were offered to other mothers for a trade. A tasting table was enjoyed by all.
The Second Ward has also enjoyed enrichment night. The giggles could be heard throughout the hall as each person tried desperately to remember names of people they had know for years in order to win a candy bar.
Several baptisms have been performed this month including Chock Tracy, son of Lisa and Quinn Tracy, Rachel Draper, daughter of Tanya and Dale Draper and Jeff Rush all of the Second Ward. Jeff is married to Robin, the daughter of Leone Higgins of Corinne.

PROMONTORY POINTERS
Winnie Richman
Leader Correspondent
Boyd Udy reports loosing a horse to West Nile Virus at his place. When the horse got sick a veterinarian took blood samples that confirmed the diagnosis. We sympathize with the owners of the horse.
Orson and Jeannette Poulsen went to Salt Lake City to the wedding reception of one of son Luke Houston’s dearest friends. While there they made it a point to visit with lots of their grandchildren on Saturday afternoon.
Orson has turned his Halflinger horse out to pasture for a while since the weather is good. He will continue to put up rocks on the front of his new home to “get it done before snow flies.”
Doris and Merlin Larsen were honored at Bear River’s Friday night football game with the game ball for their continuous support during the football season. “It was a nice, big football with all the names of the team players written on it,” Doris says happily.
On Thursday Kaye Draper went to Jordan Park Peace Gardens with friends. They walked and walked and saw many lovely displays.
Cleo and Gary Petit entertained (were entertained by) Jorden and Braxton Menlove from Saturday through Sunday. They enjoyed having them out in this cooler weather.
Cleo is continuing twice a week practice on line dancing getting ready for the big event next week.
We are glad to report that Emily Wilson is enrolled in a gymnastic class. Emily was also in the Peach Days Parade with the Trail Trotters and their horses as entry number 94.
The Richmans are very grateful to Rocky Mountain Power for getting the power back on. “We lost power Sunday night at 8:20 p.m. and got it back on at 2:50 p.m. Monday,” Clynn say. “We’re glad we have plenty of candles.” Winnie laughs. “But how does one put wicks into the largest one?” Thank goodness the Richmans had a slow burning old candle with a wick!
Winnie would like to thank Kathy Burns for her help on her new copy machine. It turns out that the computer is too old for the new printer. The programs are not compatible.” Sometimes I feel like that,” Winnie says.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Mitt Wept

I really don't like to do these posts--they aren't what this blog is about--but like Mitt, I think it's important to understand Romney as a person of faith, particularly since his faith is bound to affect his presidential decision making. As a former Mormon from a very pious "old Mormon" family and a former "Seminary Bowl" (like college bowl) champion, I think I understand Mitt's beliefs better than most of you. I certainly understand them better than the media and every blogger I've read.

I feel like I must comment on Mitt's confession that he wept when he heard that Blacks had finally been given the priesthood, an honor that had been given to every 12 year old white boy since the Church came into being. I'm sure Mitt hopes that we'll all believe he cried because he was happy that an injustice had been righted, and I think many people will be fooled. But the truth is Mitt, as a true believer, would not have thought it was an injustice.

I knew a lot of Mormons who wept with joy when they learned of the revelation. I saw them tearfully bearing their testimonies at the first Fast and Testimony Meeting after that. They did so, not because an injustice had been righted, but because a prophecy was being fulfilled. Mormon doctrine held that in the last days, God would lift the curse He levied against Blacks for being indecisive in the heavenly war between Jesus and Lucifer and allow them to hold the priesthood.

I am certain that Mitt cried, if indeed he did cry, for the same reason. As a true believer, he would not, could not, believe that the denial of the priesthood to Blacks had been wrong up unto that point. To do so would have meant questioning God, because the ban was scriptural in origin. It's found in The Pearl of Great Price (Abr. 1 21-27), one of the four "standard works" of Mormonism (The others being The Book of Mormon, The Doctrine and Covenants, and The Bible.)

Friday, December 07, 2007

Are a candidate's religious beliefs fair game

or "My Inner-Frenchman on Why Mitt's Mormonism Matters"

Other than a few irresistible satirical pieces, I've stayed away from the question of whether voters should consider Mitt Romney's religion before casting their vote. I preferred to sit back and bathe myself in schadenfreude as I waited for the true-red Republicans of the Intermountain West to react to being blackballed by the most powerful faction of their party's base.

But my feelings changed a few weeks ago after I read a Burnt Orange Report post on why a candidate's religious beliefs should be off limits. I've been considering writing a response since then, and what better time to do that than now, on the day after Romney gave his so-called "JFK speech."

I'll begin by saying that I fully support the "no religious test" clause of the Constitution. I am not advocating that anyone be barred from holding office on the basis of religion. I do believe, however, that it is proper for voters to consider a candidate's religious beliefs before casting a vote for him or her.

The weight one should give to this consideration is dependent on four variables. First, what is the candidate's level of religiosity? Is he or she unquestioningly committed to the church's doctrine or is the candidate more independent in his or her thinking?

Second, how dogmatic is the candidate's church? Is questioning allowed? How does it treat dissent? Do they believe their scriptures are literal or metaphorical?

Third, what does the candidate believe regarding the relationship between people and God? Does the candidate believe God speaks directly to him or her? If so, does the candidate believe he or she has special powers of revelation that are unavailable to most people? Does the candidate believe that God guided the hands of our founding fathers and continues to guide the hands of our leaders today?

Finally, how would the church's doctrine influence the candidate's presidency?

Now let's consider these variables in regard to Mitt Romney and I think you'll see why I think it's important to address a candidates religious beliefs during the campaign.

The first two variables provide us with clues about how much Mitt's religious beliefs would influence his presidential decisions.

The first variable, religiosity, is easy, perhaps even easier to determine for Mormons than for others. In addition to his public statements proclaiming his religiosity, Mitt holds a temple recommend. They are only issued to the faithful. As a high priest in the Melchizedek Priesthood, he holds the highest level of priesthood a Mormon may hold. He has also served as a bishop and a stake president (leadership positions serving areas roughly equivalent to parishes and diocese) He is unquestionably a faithful Mormon.

Mitt is a member of a very dogmatic sect. Dissent is not allowed. The late N. Eldon Tanner, a councilor to the prophet, once preached "When the Prophet speaks, the debate is over." Apostle Boyd K. Packer justified a large purge of intellectuals in the early nineties by saying, "There is a temptation for the writer or the teacher Of Church history to want to tell everything, whether it is worthy or faith promoting or not...Some things that are true are not very useful."

Now that we've established that Mitt is a committed member of a very dogmatic sect, I think it's fairly safe to assume that his religious beliefs would play an important role in a Romney presidency. But what are those beliefs and how would they influence his decision making? Let's look at the other variables and see what we find.

As a High Priest in the Melchizedek Priesthood, Romney believes he receives revelations from God. He believes God directs him to do the things he does, and he never makes an important decision without asking God for guidance and receiving a revelation first.

As a committed Mormon, he also believes that God played an important role in the creation of this nation; that he "guided the hands" of our founding fathers. He believes that the United States is favored above all nations by God, and that Jesus will return to rule the Earth from the city of New Zion, which will be built by the faithful in Jackson County, Missouri.

It is also likely that he believes that he, and his Mormon supporters, are the Elders of Zion whom Joseph Smith prophesied would save this nation as it "hangs by a thread." (JoD 7:15) How could he not believe that as he enters the presidency at a time when he believes we are in a life and death struggle with "islamofascism?"

So, like George Bush, Mitt thinks he speaks with God, believes that the United States is favored by God, and likely believes God has a specific mission for him to perform.

Now, let's look at how specifically his belief system would affect the way he governs. For the sake of brevity, I'm going to limit this discussion to one piece of Mormon Doctrine, the story of Nephi, Laban, and the Brass Plates found in the Book of Mormon.

The Book of Mormon, along with the Doctrine and Covenants, the Pearl of Great Price, and the Bible (KJV), is considered to be of the Church's "four standard works" of scripture. All are considered to be the word of God (although the Bible to a lesser extent because, unlike the others, it was not translated by the Urim and Thummin or received directly from God via revelation.)

The Book of Mormon begins with the flight of a family from Jerusalem. Once outside the city walls, the father, the prophet Lehi, has a revelation that he must take the "Brass Plates," a record of the Jews, with him to a new land across the ocean. He commands his sons, Laman, Lemuel, Nephi, and Sam to go back into the city and get the plates. The older brothers, Laman and Lemuel--who because of their later wickedness, would be cursed with dark skin and become the first Native Americans--weren't happy about it. The Brass Plates belonged to Laban, a powerful Jewish official--it was a dangerous assignment. After a bit of wrangling, the brothers decide that Nephi will go into the city alone to do the task.

Nephi finds Laban drunk and passed out on the street. God tells him to kill Laban, but Nephi is reluctant and asks why God wants him to commit murder. God replies with an ends justifying the means argument: "It is better that one man should die, than for a whole nation to dwindle in unbelief." That's good enough for Nephi. He chops off Labens head, dresses in his clothes, and goes to his house where he commands the servant to bring him the plates. The servant, who apparently is accustomed to seeing his master coming home in bloody robes and looking like a teenager, complies and gives Nephi the plates.

The lesson Mormons, including Mitt, take from this is that the greater good may require the violation of important laws, in this case, theft and murder. It's a lesson that is stressed in Sunday classes for adults and children as well as the weekday seminary classes all Mormon teens are required to attend. It's an important scripture and doctrine.

This is why it is critical to discuss a candidates religious beliefs. It gives us the best insight we can get into how someone like Mitt would govern. He's the type of leader who would believe that his actions are condoned by God and are not subject to Earthly laws like the Constitution.

Sound familiar?

Monday, January 24, 2005

White and delightsome

As regular readers know, the General often listens to that French radio network, NPR, in order to see what the enemies of freedom are up to. Today, I was pleasantly surprised to hear a seventeen minute report on the Mormon's old "Indian Placement Program." I say "pleasantly surprised" because the report was rather positive in its description of the program. Indeed, much of it sounded as if it was written by the Church's first-rate public relations department. It's nice to see NPR doing the Lords work.

Before I go on, full disclosure requires me to note that the General is the son of a long line of Mormons. One of my great, great grandfathers was Wilford Woodruff, the Church's fourth prophet. Another was Daniel Burbank, the Prophet Joseph's bodyguard and one of Brigham's Destroying Angels.

I should also explain the basic beliefs Mormons have about Indians, or as they call them, Lamanites. According to Mormonism's most holy book, The Book of Mormon, Lamanites are actually Jews. They are the descendents of two brothers, Laman and Lemual, who, along with their family, came to America from Jerusalem many years ago. The brothers were rebellious boys who failed to follow the instructions of their younger brother Nephi, a prophet of the Lord. For this, their children were cursed:

1 Nephi 12:23 And it came to pass that I beheld, after they had dwindled in unbelief they became a dark, and loathsome, and a filthy people, full of idleness and all manner of abominations.

Today's Mormons love the Lamanites despite the curse. After all, they're not only Lamanites, they're also Jews, God's chosen people. Because of this, Mormons believe that it is their duty to bring the Lamanite's back into Jesus's arms. Once that happens, the Book of Mormon says--or at least it said until 1981--that they'll become a "white and delightsome" people, once again.

2 Nephi 30:6 And then shall they rejoice; for they shall know that it is a blessing unto them from the hand of God; and their scales of darkness shall begin to fall from their eyes; and many generations shall not pass away among them, save they shall be a white [changed to "pure" in 1981] and delightsome people.

Spencer W. Kimball, who served as the Church's prophet during much of my youth, said that he saw the change happening in the 1960's. He gave much of the credit for this to the Indian Placement Program:

I saw a striking contrast in the progress of the Indian people today.... The day of the Lamanites is nigh. For years they have been growing delightsome, and they are now becoming white and delightsome, as they were promised. In this picture of the twenty Lamanite missionaries, fifteen of the twenty were as light as Anglos, five were darker but equally delightsome The children in the home placement program in Utah are often lighter than their brothers and sisters in the hogans on the reservation.

At one meeting a father and mother and their sixteen-year-old daughter were present, the little member girl--sixteen--sitting between the dark father and mother, and it was evident she was several shades lighter than her parents--on the same reservation, in the same hogan, subject to the same sun and wind and weather....These young members of the Church are changing to whiteness and to delightsomeness. One white elder jokingly said that he and his companion were donating blood regularly to the hospital in the hope that the process might be accelerated.

Until the program ended in 1996, children chosen for placement program were taken off the reservation and put into Mormon homes many miles away so that they could attend white schools and learn the gospel of Jesus. A number of these "placement students" were sent to my home town, Tremonton, Utah, and I knew a couple of them quite well.

In the NPR report, a former placement foster mother, Sharon Mirbrook (phonetic spelling), told a story about her placement student that brought back memories of my old friend Clyde. Here's what she had to say:

To put it bluntly, Dory didn't even seem to like his culture...to be an Indian. When we'd have the Order of the Arrow boys come over and do the dances, the Indian dances, and stuff like that, he'd go into the other room.

Clyde didn't like the Order of the Arrow guys either. I thought it was because he didn't like scouting, but now I know that it was because he was ashamed to be a Lamanite. Who could blame him? After all, God cursed him for it by giving him dark skin and making him "loathsome," "filthy," and "full of idleness and all manner of abominations."

Mrs. Mirbrook also told a story that reminded me of another placement student I knew, Emerson. It had to do with the problem of placement kids dating the local white girls. Mrs. Mirbrook tried to prevent that from happening by discussing the issue with her placement student:

We so much wanted Dory to keep his culture strong. We did not want to take that away from him. In fact when he started dating we said, the Indian girls you need to start dating them. You need to keep your lines pure and clean. You know...uhh..the Navajo line pure, you know."

I guess Emerson didn't get that kind of guidance. He asked one of the local white girls out. That made all the white guys in school very angry. Bob decided he'd teach Emerson a lesson, so he hit him while he wasn't looking, knocking him to the floor. Emerson got back up and gave Bob a thorough beating.

That didn't go over well with Kurt, the biggest, meanest guy in the school. He challenged Emerson to meet him in the parking lot before school started the following day--that night was out because of football practice.

The next morning, Emerson and an audience of hundreds were waiting when Kurt got off the bus. Walking toward Emerson, Kurt pulled a chain out from under his jacket. One end of the chain was attached to a piece of wood that served as a handle, the other had a number of bent forks hooked to it. It was a weapon for murder.

Kurt started swing the chain, and Emerson reacted by pulling out a pocket knife. Teachers arrived before a blow was struck and ordered the pair to drop their weapons. Both complied and were taken to the principal's office. Emerson was put on the first bus back to Arizona and Kurt was back in school the next day. Placement kids stopped asking white girls out after that.

Too bad Emerson had to leave so quickly. He missed out on all of the good things the placement program had to offer.

Note: Sometime this week, I'll introduce you to Tom Trails, the greatest placement student of them all.