Idaho Militia Commander responds to my sniper application

Yesterday, I responded to a "sniper wanted" ad placed by the Idaho Militia. Here's the commander's response:

JC Christian,

Greetings and thank you for your application. It is, however, incomplete as several items requested have been left out. If you would please fill in those items as listed on the contact page, it would be appreciated. You sound like a dedicated and qualified marksman but I need more background experience to consider you for this position. As noted in the job description, the field sniper would also be the Sergeant of Arms with expertise in many weapons and experience in running qualifications and marksmanship training. If you don't have this specific experience in training soldiers, and would like just to be a sniper, that's ok too.

Your letter impresses upon me a "lone ranger" tone so I need to make a few things clear. If you join the ICCM, I will be your commanding officer and you will obey the orders of myself and those appointed over you. My rank is determined by the size of the company size element I lead. One is not a general unless they have at least a couple brigades following them. Most applicants will enter at the rank of private, which is to say, that may be your rank. A military unit is operated by discipline and a clear chain of command. If you can't fit in to a military unit, we can't use you.

If I've gotten the wrong impression, I apologize in advance. If you are ok with these terms and willing to follow orders, start by providing the information requested. One more thing, please don't ever take God's holy name in vain again when writing; I would appreciate it.

In God we trust,

CPT James Ambrose
Idaho Citizens' Constitutional Militia
Commanding Officer

Here's my response:

Dear CPT Ambrose,

Thank you for responding to my application for the sniper position. Before I address your concerns, I must instruct you to address me using my rank until such a time as I have accepted the sniper position and the resulting reversion of rank. Frankly, I'm a bit stunned by your failure to adhere to basic military protocols regarding chain of command. Do it again and I will discipline you, myself, using an M-13A riding crop.

OK, now that that's out of the way, let's discuss my qualifications. In addition to being proficient with the Model 82A1 Barrett sniper rifle, I am a master marksman with the AR-15, SKS, and HK-SL8 assault rifles, all Browning and Mossberg shotguns, and the Ruger Super Single-Six side-arm (which as you know, is the most powerful handgun in the world when paired with CCI Stinger ammunition).

I am also proficient in the use of the M-73 nunchucks. Ask anyone in Tremonton. I demonstrate my proficiency every day at about 3:30 pm in front of Bear River High--I think the high school girls love it. And as I noted earlier, I am an artist with the M-13A riding crop.

But I have so much more to offer your unit than simply my vast knowledge of weaponry. I'll also bring Sherry and Sheila, my militia morale sheep, along with me. Gosh, how the men love them. They are an absolute boon to unit morale and cohesion; that is if you don't mind the fact that Sherry appears to have very large testicles and a bleat that sounds like a foghorn--it's nothing a pretty ribbon doesn't fix. And, the rumors about her spreading anal warts are just that, rumors. It was the latrines at Camp McVeigh that were the source of that infamous outbreak.

As for your "lone ranger" accusation. Yes, I do currently serve under the rank of General. I assumed that position in 1995 after taking leadership of all the militias commanded by colonels at that time. I will add the Idaho Citizens' Constitutional Militia to my command should you decline my application for sniper.

OK, here's the rest of the required info:

Name: Gen. JC Christian, Patriot
Address: RFD#1 Tremonton, UT
Phone number: Phones COMMUNIcate COMMUNIsm. I refuse to own one.
Alternate phone: Phones COMMUNIcate COMMUNIsm. I refuse to own one.
preferred email contact: Yes
Date of Birth and age I was birthed at home, but I believe I am 49.
Gender: I'm a man, an 11 on the manly scale of absolute gender.
Military branch (not required)
rank at discharge: General
military duties: Commanding
Boy Scout (not required): I do not have one.
Any other relative experience (not required): Sometimes, I dress in women's clothing and hang around in bars with lumberjacks for intelligence gathering purposes.
Why you are interested in the Militia? It's not because I have a small penis. I like big guns, big trucks, and joining militias for other reasons. I just can't think of them now.

Looking forward to hearing back from you.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot