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Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Idaho Militia Commander responds to my sniper application

Yesterday, I responded to a "sniper wanted" ad placed by the Idaho Militia. Here's the commander's response:
JC Christian,

Greetings and thank you for your application. It is, however, incomplete as several items requested have been left out. If you would please fill in those items as listed on the contact page, it would be appreciated. You sound like a dedicated and qualified marksman but I need more background experience to consider you for this position. As noted in the job description, the field sniper would also be the Sergeant of Arms with expertise in many weapons and experience in running qualifications and marksmanship training. If you don't have this specific experience in training soldiers, and would like just to be a sniper, that's ok too.

Your letter impresses upon me a "lone ranger" tone so I need to make a few things clear. If you join the ICCM, I will be your commanding officer and you will obey the orders of myself and those appointed over you. My rank is determined by the size of the company size element I lead. One is not a general unless they have at least a couple brigades following them. Most applicants will enter at the rank of private, which is to say, that may be your rank. A military unit is operated by discipline and a clear chain of command. If you can't fit in to a military unit, we can't use you.

If I've gotten the wrong impression, I apologize in advance. If you are ok with these terms and willing to follow orders, start by providing the information requested. One more thing, please don't ever take God's holy name in vain again when writing; I would appreciate it.

In God we trust,

CPT James Ambrose
Idaho Citizens' Constitutional Militia
Commanding Officer
Here's my response:

Dear CPT Ambrose,

Thank you for responding to my application for the sniper position. Before I address your concerns, I must instruct you to address me using my rank until such a time as I have accepted the sniper position and the resulting reversion of rank. Frankly, I'm a bit stunned by your failure to adhere to basic military protocols regarding chain of command. Do it again and I will discipline you, myself, using an M-13A riding crop.

OK, now that that's out of the way, let's discuss my qualifications. In addition to being proficient with the Model 82A1 Barrett sniper rifle, I am a master marksman with the AR-15, SKS, and HK-SL8 assault rifles, all Browning and Mossberg shotguns, and the Ruger Super Single-Six side-arm (which as you know, is the most powerful handgun in the world when paired with CCI Stinger ammunition).

I am also proficient in the use of the M-73 nunchucks. Ask anyone in Tremonton. I demonstrate my proficiency every day at about 3:30 pm in front of Bear River High--I think the high school girls love it. And as I noted earlier, I am an artist with the M-13A riding crop.

But I have so much more to offer your unit than simply my vast knowledge of weaponry. I'll also bring Sherry and Sheila, my militia morale sheep, along with me. Gosh, how the men love them. They are an absolute boon to unit morale and cohesion; that is if you don't mind the fact that Sherry appears to have very large testicles and a bleat that sounds like a foghorn--it's nothing a pretty ribbon doesn't fix. And, the rumors about her spreading anal warts are just that, rumors. It was the latrines at Camp McVeigh that were the source of that infamous outbreak.

As for your "lone ranger" accusation. Yes, I do currently serve under the rank of General. I assumed that position in 1995 after taking leadership of all the militias commanded by colonels at that time. I will add the Idaho Citizens' Constitutional Militia to my command should you decline my application for sniper.

OK, here's the rest of the required info:

Name: Gen. JC Christian, Patriot
Address: RFD#1 Tremonton, UT
Phone number: Phones COMMUNIcate COMMUNIsm. I refuse to own one.
Alternate phone: Phones COMMUNIcate COMMUNIsm. I refuse to own one.
preferred email contact: Yes
Date of Birth and age I was birthed at home, but I believe I am 49.
Gender: I'm a man, an 11 on the manly scale of absolute gender.
Military branch (not required)
rank at discharge: General
military duties: Commanding
Boy Scout (not required): I do not have one.
Any other relative experience (not required): Sometimes, I dress in women's clothing and hang around in bars with lumberjacks for intelligence gathering purposes.
Why you are interested in the Militia? It's not because I have a small penis. I like big guns, big trucks, and joining militias for other reasons. I just can't think of them now.

Looking forward to hearing back from you.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

23 comments:

  1. General, Sir:

    Forget about what I said about driving for this idiot. From his note to you I get the impression that he's "all helmet, no tanks". What a fuckin' maroon!

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  2. General Sir, I wish you had reminded this ignorant puke that "God" most certainly is not "God's name," and therefore if he doesn't like it when you say God Damn commie villages, etc., then he can suck it. Sir.

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  3. I thought that I was smitten before. Now. I'm absolutely swooning.

    ::

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  4. As everyone knows, God's holy name is Yhwh, sometimes pronounced Yahweh, sometimes Jehovah. To take this name in vain, you would have to say something like "That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah."

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  5. General, Sir,

    With all due respect, the troops are demoralized by this breakdown in standard protocol and expect you to take a clearer stand against insubordination within your unit. As one of the jarheads put it, "Waterboard the backtalkin' sonofabitch". Your standing as General and use of the Lord's Name as permitted by The Big Man Himself, well ... put it this way, the last time one of my grunts got uppity about that, the M-13A was the least of his problems. Best Code Red party we ever had.

    *salute!*

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  6. good god. it sounds like a crazy bdsm thing

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  7. good god. it sounds like a crazy bdsm thingCrazy? it is true manlyness designed to make us girlies weep. (if they ever got closer to a girly than an underwear catalogue anyway.)

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  8. General Sir!

    May I just say that I am so excited for you!! I was just over at the good Captain's website and the sniper position is nowhere to be found! Sir, this has got to mean that they have found the right person for the job! Of course, that right person has to be you!

    But Sir, I have to ask you to rethink this offer. If something seems too good to be true, this usually means that it is. Sir, his violation of military protocol in addressing you without your rank should be considered a red flag. Something is not quite right here.

    Taking the liberty to speak for the troops here, Sir, let me say that diluting our numbers with an untested, unproven group (yes, even if the others are from Idaho, we must still be oh, so careful) might have an adverse affect on morale here at the GCCCR.

    Having said that, may I offer my congratulations! Surely the taking down of the sniper advertisement means that you have really impressed the Idaho Militia!

    How could it be anything else?

    Thank you, Sir!

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  9. Jesus, General, be careful with these people!

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  10. I noticed that the website does not include positions for interpreter. Apparently, upon the invasion of the Mexican horde the Idaho militia will interrogate captives with a telephone language line.

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  11. From the "who is eligible to join the Idaho militia" section:
    All races. Your commander is Hawaiian, and you will be serving with blacks, hispanics, asians, whites, and all other races and backgrounds. I will not tolerate the infiltration of hateful ideologies.great, sounds very egalitarian, tell me more Capt. Chunky

    I understand that many from Christian Identity and Aryan nations will seek to join because of shared values when it comes to individual liberty. If you are mature and can show restraint in dealing with Jews and other ethnicities, you are welcome and encouraged to join.He elsewhere refers to the "war of northern agression" in explaining why he will fly the Idaho flag about the stars and strips.

    I call Poe's law, this guy is an FBI agent fishing for extremist loons. I betcha when they all show up for "first muster" in September, the good Capt. marches them right into the waiting paddy wagons.

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  12. Rev. Paperboy:

    So, you're saying this guy is in mufti? Wow, that's a great tradition in the FBI, going all the way back to "Mary" Hoover, himself.

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  13. If he won't call you General now, how do you know that after the first date he will call you at all?

    Worrisome, I tell you.

    ++++

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  14. That's actually the response that Craptain Armburst sent you in response to the application you posted? (Not that I doubt your veracity -- I mean, the entire premise of the J.G. blog is BASED on the truth, eh?)His reply would suggest that he took your appo at least semi-seriously, and did not, ahem... sense anything amiss with it. What's the military abbreviation for "totally fucking clueless"?

    The Frenchophiles in America have nothing to worry about from the threat to liberty posed by militias led by men with the intelligence of Field Marshall Hambrose...

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  15. Sir,
    Having first hand knowledge of the animal husbandry practices in the Gem State, Sir, I would advise that you move with all due caution. Snipers assume the prone position for their duty and Sargent-at Arms is code-speak for well, one can only imagine. I have advised the Dannite division to seal our Northern borders and watch for infiltration from "lottery ticket buyers" returning from Malad.
    But Herr Ambrose does have a purdy mouth.
    Yours in servitude,

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  16. What's funny is that I applied for the job as "Admiral Buddha" and he hasn't gotten back to me.

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  17. Bukko in Australia:

    You asked:

    "What's the military abbreviation for "totally fucking clueless"?"

    It is OIC.

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  18. Is there anywhere in Idaho one can purchase olive oil in the quantities required for wrestling? I want the good captain to sweat off some of that "insulation" "Deliverance" style.

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  19. Boy Scout (not required): I do not have one.
    Any other relative experience (not required): Sometimes, I dress in women's clothing and hang around in bars with lumberjacks for intelligence gathering purposes.

    Thanks for making me choke on my lunch. You just got yourself a donation.

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  20. General, Sir:

    I don't think that CPT. Totenkopf Tubby is bein' straight with you. He doesn't even mention the 3R's (Reamin', Rantin' and Rasslin"). As moondancer suggests Commander El Lardo should be ready to drop a few pounds. I don't know about using olive oil though. Hey if 5W30's good enough for my Ranger's crankcase than it ought be good enough for lubin' up the CPT.'s "Cave of Eternal Shame". Just sayin'.

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  21. Groucho said it best: "He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don't be fooled. He really is an idiot."

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  22. Vicki - back off! He's all mine!

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.