Onward Spartan Warriors

Lt. Jeffrey B. Stankiewicz, XO
North Idaho 21st Light Foot Militia

Dear Lt. Stankiewicz,

I am delighted that you chose a Spartan helmet and crossed short swords as your unit patch. It's fitting that those who now stand in the breech between liberty and godless comunistofascism do so bearing a symbol honoring the brave 300 who died at Thermopylae.

But are you prepared to undertake the ancient Spartan warrior ceremonies to which you allude in the words sewn into your unit rounder, "ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ" (rough English translation: "Bring The Lube")? I'm one of the few modern men who know or understand these venerable ceremonies. I'd be honored to share these secret rites with you and your men. Indeed, I'd be honored to do it, for there is no greater honor a warrior can give another than to wrestle him in the ancient manner of our Spartan philosophical forefathers.

As modern Spartans, you and your men deserve that honor. You deserve to feel the joyous satisfaction that comes from grappling each other oiled and naked as you struggle for domination until the better achieves victory my driving his hard, throbbing, Shaft of Masculine Triumph deep inside his opponent's Cave of Eternal Shame.

I'm free to come at anytime provided I'm given enough notice. Just send me a notice. I can provide all that's needed for the ceremonies including the chicken feathers, goats, watermelon drillers, and military grade M-28-A lubricant. Just give me a date and location.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

FEMA Forced Palin to Resign

Glenn Beck
Patriot

Dear Mr. Beck,

Many people laughed and called you insane, delirious, and "just plain fucking crazy" when you warned us that Obamaslamunistofascists at FEMA were building concentration camps for regular Credulous-Americans like ourselves. But all that laughter is going to stop on July 27th. That's the day FEMA launches National Level Exercise 2009! And yes, it is as sinister as it sounds.

The Arizona Citizen's Militia has all the intelligence on this. According to them:

• The federal government will use the this "to murder everyone who has ever owned a firearm."
• Sarah Palin knows about it. That's why she's resigning on the 26th.
• DHS Secretary Janet Napalitano announced it in a press conference, declaring: "Anyone exhibiting symptoms is being referred to an isolation room where they can be evaluated by a public health official before proceeding to their destruction."

We need you to do something now to stop this from happening. That something is the thing you do best, crying. Yes, we need you to get on your show and cry like you have never cried before. We need your tears to motivate the masses. We need your tears to rust the tracks of the Russian armor hidden in the forests of the Okanogan. We need your tears to wash over the land in a wave of godly destruction, drowning those who cherish reason above faith and the freedom above God's law.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Idaho Militia Commander responds to my sniper application

Yesterday, I responded to a "sniper wanted" ad placed by the Idaho Militia. Here's the commander's response:

JC Christian,

Greetings and thank you for your application. It is, however, incomplete as several items requested have been left out. If you would please fill in those items as listed on the contact page, it would be appreciated. You sound like a dedicated and qualified marksman but I need more background experience to consider you for this position. As noted in the job description, the field sniper would also be the Sergeant of Arms with expertise in many weapons and experience in running qualifications and marksmanship training. If you don't have this specific experience in training soldiers, and would like just to be a sniper, that's ok too.

Your letter impresses upon me a "lone ranger" tone so I need to make a few things clear. If you join the ICCM, I will be your commanding officer and you will obey the orders of myself and those appointed over you. My rank is determined by the size of the company size element I lead. One is not a general unless they have at least a couple brigades following them. Most applicants will enter at the rank of private, which is to say, that may be your rank. A military unit is operated by discipline and a clear chain of command. If you can't fit in to a military unit, we can't use you.

If I've gotten the wrong impression, I apologize in advance. If you are ok with these terms and willing to follow orders, start by providing the information requested. One more thing, please don't ever take God's holy name in vain again when writing; I would appreciate it.

In God we trust,

CPT James Ambrose
Idaho Citizens' Constitutional Militia
Commanding Officer

Here's my response:

Dear CPT Ambrose,

Thank you for responding to my application for the sniper position. Before I address your concerns, I must instruct you to address me using my rank until such a time as I have accepted the sniper position and the resulting reversion of rank. Frankly, I'm a bit stunned by your failure to adhere to basic military protocols regarding chain of command. Do it again and I will discipline you, myself, using an M-13A riding crop.

OK, now that that's out of the way, let's discuss my qualifications. In addition to being proficient with the Model 82A1 Barrett sniper rifle, I am a master marksman with the AR-15, SKS, and HK-SL8 assault rifles, all Browning and Mossberg shotguns, and the Ruger Super Single-Six side-arm (which as you know, is the most powerful handgun in the world when paired with CCI Stinger ammunition).

I am also proficient in the use of the M-73 nunchucks. Ask anyone in Tremonton. I demonstrate my proficiency every day at about 3:30 pm in front of Bear River High--I think the high school girls love it. And as I noted earlier, I am an artist with the M-13A riding crop.

But I have so much more to offer your unit than simply my vast knowledge of weaponry. I'll also bring Sherry and Sheila, my militia morale sheep, along with me. Gosh, how the men love them. They are an absolute boon to unit morale and cohesion; that is if you don't mind the fact that Sherry appears to have very large testicles and a bleat that sounds like a foghorn--it's nothing a pretty ribbon doesn't fix. And, the rumors about her spreading anal warts are just that, rumors. It was the latrines at Camp McVeigh that were the source of that infamous outbreak.

As for your "lone ranger" accusation. Yes, I do currently serve under the rank of General. I assumed that position in 1995 after taking leadership of all the militias commanded by colonels at that time. I will add the Idaho Citizens' Constitutional Militia to my command should you decline my application for sniper.

OK, here's the rest of the required info:

Name: Gen. JC Christian, Patriot
Address: RFD#1 Tremonton, UT
Phone number: Phones COMMUNIcate COMMUNIsm. I refuse to own one.
Alternate phone: Phones COMMUNIcate COMMUNIsm. I refuse to own one.
preferred email contact: Yes
Date of Birth and age I was birthed at home, but I believe I am 49.
Gender: I'm a man, an 11 on the manly scale of absolute gender.
Military branch (not required)
rank at discharge: General
military duties: Commanding
Boy Scout (not required): I do not have one.
Any other relative experience (not required): Sometimes, I dress in women's clothing and hang around in bars with lumberjacks for intelligence gathering purposes.
Why you are interested in the Militia? It's not because I have a small penis. I like big guns, big trucks, and joining militias for other reasons. I just can't think of them now.

Looking forward to hearing back from you.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

I was a sniper for the Idaho Militia

CPT James Ambrose
Idaho Citizens' Constitutional Militia

Dear CPT Ambrose,

Please accept my application for the sniper position you are advertising on your website. I don't think you'll find a better candidate for the job anywhere.

You see, I live for sniping. There is nothing I love more than taking my .50 cal Model 82A1 Barrett semi-auto slaughtermaster--I call him Chuck, after Chuck Norris--out for some prairie dog mayhem. I hate prairie dogs. They live communally, you know--like communists, God damned communist rodents. They say they live in towns, but they're more like hamlets, God damned Vietcong hamlets. That's what they are.

Anyway, I was telling you about my love for sniping. God, I love Chuck. Ain't nothing better than that moment when I pull his butt hard against my shoulder, rub my finger on his trigger, slowly coaxing it back until that triumphant moment of release when the 660 grains of wadcutter ecstasy explodes out of his chamber, shoots down that 29 inches of hot hard steel and erupts out of his muzzle in a glorious eruption of masculine power. Ohhhh, God it is good. There is nothing like it. It always leaves me spent and exhausted, but with a kind of indescribable floating feeling. You know what I mean; the kind of feeling where your whole body feels as if it's been infused with liquid joy and all you want is a cigarette and a little Barry White music in your headphones.

Chuck is always with me. I take him everywhere. A lot of the men in my own militia don't understand that. It's why I, a militia general, am willing to serve as a sniper under a mere captain. I prayed about it and the Lord told me you'd be more understanding. 

There's nothing wrong with a man sleeping with his rifle and doing certain things to increase that special bond between them. I mean, why should Sgt Cletis or anyone else care as long as you use a lot of gun grease and are careful about preventing anything from getting into the muzzle. You know what I mean. It's all part of our culture.

Well, let me know when to report in. I've already picked up the uniform.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot