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Monday, May 11, 2009

My Amazon Review of "Thank God I Had a Gun"

My latest Amazon Review is up. Please consider pressing the "yes" button next to the "Was this review helpful to you" question. That'll help it get featured as the "Top Positive Review."

Here it is:

5.0 out of 5 stars Embracing Our Inner Frightened BunniesMay 10, 2009
By Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States) - See all my reviews
"Thank God I Had a Gun" is the kind of book every patriot should keep on a shelf between his Red Dawn DVD and his emergency pants. It's a great collection of stories about how very terrified real-Americans overcame their inbred fear of their swarthy neighbors by shooting them. Some of the tales are heartwarming, like that of pizza deliveryman Ron Honeycutt who stopped a potential mugger with 15 well placed shots to the torso, pausing only to reload once. Others are empowering, like that told by Barbara Thompson who ended after-hour burglaries at her plant nursery by ambushing the burglar and blowing his head clean off.

But, unfortunately, by focusing only on killing potential criminals, this book completely ignores a more common way firearms are used for defense: the impromptu administration of justice against those who've wronged you.

You've heard about these cases. A wife cheats on a fine gun-owning NRA-supporting gun show enthusiast or he loses his job for engaging in so-called "hate speech" and the patriot attempts to regain his honor by shooting everyone who has even the slightest connection to the source of his shame. There have been at least a dozen incidents of this nature in the last two months alone--more if you look at those resulting in three or less deaths. That's twelve more chapters for the book, and at least two more if you add talk radio/cable news junkies who ambush cops because they are afraid they'll take their guns.

Another piece this book lacks is a how-to section. I mean, hey, there are a lot of us who haven't bagged us a perp yet. Most of our friends have shot at least one person, some, two or three, and we're still waiting for a chance to exercise our Second Amendment rights to the fullest extent. It's embarrassing. We're called "cherry boys" and are the objects of jokes about the hitting power of our loads. We want to be NRA heroes too, but we need a little help getting there. A short, last chapter would have provided that.

Again, although it was a great book, it was also deeply flawed. I'll give it five stars but only because I fear my masculinity would be questioned if i gave it less.


  1. General, Sir:

    Tried to mark it as helpul, no go. Apparently that action now requires a password--which means you have to buy something from those fuckbags at Amazon. Sorry.

    I got one minor quibble. This:

    "But, unfortunately, by focusing only on killing potential criminals, this book completely ignores a more common way firearms are used for defense: the impromptu administration of justice against those who've wronged you."

    fails, entirely, to address the subject of "pre-emptive impromptu administration of justice."

    I mean, if I gotta wait till I see a smokin' gun or violated orifice or whatever; why, the terrarists have already won.

  2. No, you do not have to buy anything from them to get a password.

  3. Sir, I love you. You're so manly.

  4. Father Bush gave us the gift of the Bush Doctrine, which says that you can shoot someone if they may possibly perhaps, if they could, pose some sort of threat, even if it was the other guy down the street who made the threat.

    Almost by definition, if your gut instinct says the person is a perp, then they ARE a perp and you have all the Jesus-given right to blow their God-damned brains out.
    So you friends calling you a cherry don't understand that you DID shoot perps. Those friends of yours seem mighty threatening to me... and it would be righteous if, you know, they got what was coming.

  5. The Lord owns a gun store; I shall not wait
    He maketh me to buy now in vast quantities:
    He goadeth me betide my bad thoughts (what be thou, a mewling pansy lad?)
    He re-boreth my load:
    He snipith me in the wrath of blindedness for His hunter/gatherer's sake.

    Oh, Lord
    Though I walk through the shadow of the Valley of the Perps I shall fear no evil: no, wait, let me fear all of it
    Thy rot and thy office staff annoy me.
    Thou preparest a small dinner party before me in the presence of manxome foes;
    Thou annointest my head for reasons possibly having to do with moisturizing and ease of care

    My cup runneth to my moutheth
    I'm pretty sure goodness and mercy are feints, following all the days of my life, which is why
    I shot them down and thus ended the suspense
    And I will crash in the House of the Lord, guns at the ready, bullets at the belt, fingers twitchy



  6. Those three men in the photo are H O T !!!!

  7. Buy it from Amazon. Alas, our gag reflex keeps it from being able to be ordered from us.

    Except for those of you who want to pay double-cover price! Then, by all means, order from us!

  8. It's always nice to be helpful to others too. I blew away a guy whose dog crapped on my neighbors' lawn.

  9. three men in the photo are H O TDQ -- Watch out for Cletus (he's the one on the right. I think.), and don't believe any of those stories he tells about sheep shearing. He's a goddamned liar.

  10. Imagine the volumes that could be penned by glorifying the tens of thousands that found the mixture of alcohol and guns to be lethal for loved ones, neighbors, co-workers, cops, and the weaselly innocent bystander.

  11. ...mixture of alcohol and guns... And stupidity.

  12. if gunz r owtlawd only crimnals wil hab leethel fource.

    or sumthin lik dat.

  13. Praise the lord for the insightful insights of the General on the rightous use of firearms to protect self and property from offense and indignation. The use of firearms is a right granted us in the 2nd Amendment of the United States Constitution and the protection of honor from pizza-thieving rascals is self evident in that right. The parable of the plant-nurse Barabara Thompson, who ambushed the burglar (probably a dope smoking hippie looking for fertilizer for his addictive marijuana plants), reminds me to ask if anyone knows what Sarah Palin and Sister Prejean (who represents the silicon mountain region of California) talked about two nights ago?

    While the General "manfully tweeted" from the White House correspondents dinner, Sarah darling called Sister Prejean. Huffington Post did not report the content of the conversation, but we here know that the topic of conversation concerned which bikini to wear while posing with the NRA-awarded, modified M-4 calibered in the totally awesome Beowulf 50. My dogs Whistle and DickC are confident that the Governor will pose in a leopard skin two piece with the state of alaska tastefully displayed on the rear of the lower piece and a big dipper superimposed on the upper piece. I, on the other hand, believe that a bikini in the colors of Alaska, blue and gold, with a twin north star emblem, will win out. We can't wait for the event.

  14. Anonymous8:32 PM

    Sir, General Sir, the magnitude and creativity of your subversion puts me in awe. You Sir, are the man- or Gen'rl or whichever, but review on Sir. As I no longer buy books unless you review em' first I still have a lot of space to go on my first book shelf and I just can't wait to acquire my 7th book. The books you review fit so nice between the Bibles and all.

  15. General, Sir:

    You were, as always, right about me being able to get a password without buying anything. So I voted for you and then, because I was feeling a little sheepish about impugning the virtues of the Amazoniacs I went and had a look at their "selection". Not a one-hander in the lot, Sir. WTF kinda bookstore is this place?


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.