My Amazon Review of Glenn Beck's "Agenda 21"

Below, is my Amazon Review for Glenn Beck's Agenda 21. I'm late putting it up, so it will take a lot of "most helpful" votes to give it the title of "Most Helpful Positive Review," but with your help (vote here), it's possible.

Fiction, Fact, and the 5.56mm Truth, January 16, 2013
By Gen. JC Christian, patriot

This review is from: Agenda 21 (Kindle Edition)
This is a work of fiction that could, very well, someday be stocked on the current events shelf in the non-fiction section of your favorite bookstore. Or, at least, that's what the "author," and top reviewers would have you believe.

But is that truly the case? Will the Agenda 21 Enforcers use Obama's UN-based laws to force our future Emmelines to pledge allegiance to spotted owls and snail darters?

Anyone who believes in the power and the importance of the Second Amendment knows such a future is impossible. Armed patriots will stop Obama's tanks, the UN's jet fighters, and the reptilian aliens' vipersturmen when they come to take our guns.

Only the deserving few, those who refuse to purchase firearms, will be eaten during the great molting fests, and among them, only Piers Morgan, George Soros, and perhaps the comedian, Carrot Top, will be mounted by the Imperial Szliardisterg before the Great and Terrible Devouring.

We patriots will be armed, safe, and happy in our gated mobile home communities. We'll be playfully punching each other's arms, drinking Night Train, eating Moon Pie Chocolate Flavor - 24 ct. box, and shooting spouses, goldarned random sumbishes, and scary-looking people, while the Obamunists suffer under the lizard's lash.

Amazon Review: Ross Douthat's "Bad Religion"

Here's my Amazon review of Russ Douthat's book, "Bad Religion: How We Became a Nation of Heretics." As always, please consider giving it a "most helpful" vote and help me make it Amazon's ""Most Helpful Favorable Review."

4.0 out of 5 stars There And Back Again: Ross Douthat's Adventures Beyond the Shire, April 24, 2012

By

Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Bad Religion: How We Became a Nation of Heretics (Hardcover)

Reading this book, one quickly comes to the same conclusion Michael Sean Winters came to in his TNR review: "My problem is that he does not seem to have any idea what he is talking about." But, unlike Mr. Winters, I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. Talking out of one's "cave of shame" can be a good thing as long as one's basic thesis is ideologically correct.

Mr. Douhat is generally correct as he describes modern Catholicism's transition from righteous rigidity to a heretical focus on social justice and equality, and then back again to a more Christ-centered, Torquemadian theology. But, unfortunately, he gets many of the reasons for those transitions, as well as their timing, wrong.

Although Douhat is right about the introduction of such heresies as love, compassion, tolerence and inclusivity corrupting the Catholic Church in the Sixties, he is wrong to identify the genesis of that rot as Vatican II. It began almost decade earlier, on December 7, 1953.

That was the day Allen Ginsberg and Jack Kerouac ran into Dorothy Day and Thomas Merton* and introduced them to jazz. Soon, the beats were dragging the formerly pious pair through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix. That was the beginning of the corruption. Poetry, Coltrane, and, no doubt, a healthy dose of smack, fueled the heretical bus that eventually brought Catholicism the twin evils of social justice and Vatican II.

Merton and Day quickly spread the new beat gospel to priests and nuns like Sister Elizabeth McAlister and the Berrigan brothers. Soon, the Catholic clergy was undermining God's will in Vietnam and opposing their good Southern Baptist brethren in Selma, Birmingham, and Little Rock. By the end of the Seventies, Catholicism had become a synonym for godless tolerance, barbarous compassion, and the idolatry of love.

The Popification of John Paul II in 1978 and the election of Ronald Reagan two years later changed everything. Reagan brought the greatest Straussian Catholic scholars into his administration--Jesuit theologians like Paul Wolfowitz, Richard Perle, John Negraponte, Elliot Abrams, and the aptly named Otto Reich.

The Pope signed Cardinal Joseph Aloisius Ratzinger on as Prefect of the Sacred Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith. Ratzinger was a perfect choice to lead what was once known as The Office of the Holy Inquisition. He had learned to revere order in his youth when he wielded a Rome's #4100 Super Duty Wiener Fork as a member of Germany's most prominent Teutonic heritage appreciation organization. Establishing order, good, capitalist, Teutonic order, was what the Cardinal lived for.

Together, the President and the Pope went to war against social justice, defending the god-given right of Central American plutocrats to exploit their human capital with ruthlessly vicious efficiency. Cardinal Ratzinger defrocked those who hindered the plutocracy by preaching liberation theology to the poor. Douthat's Reaganic heroes dealt with those who would not bend to the Cardinal's will. For a few dollars, Major Roberto D'Aubuisson, the Gipper's man in San Salvador, would silence a meddlesome archbishop or a quartet of compassion-mongering nuns.

By the time Cardinal Ratzinger became Pope Benedict XVI, social justice was no longer a threat. The Church had returned to it's more Torquemadian roots. Once again it became the Church that God and Ross Douthat wanted, a righteously despotic institution that enslaves women, persecutes homosexualists, and serves the needs of the Borgias rather than the Bowers.

And that is the ideologically correct truth that wins four stars for Mr Douthat.

*Most Gingrichian, Palinian, and Teabagian scholars agree that Merton served as the basis for Kerouac's Dean Moriarty character in "On the Road."

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Amazon Review: Kids Ghillie Suit Set

I couldn't sit by quietly and allow good patriots to purchase an inferior product to give to their children on Jesus' birthday. So I wrote this review:

1.0 out of 5 stars

Your Kid is Still Visible, November 28, 2011

By

Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Kids Ghillie Suit Set Woodland Green Camo (Misc.)

I had high hopes for the "Kids Ghillie Suit Set." I mean, hey, it's just like what the Marine snipers use, isn't it?

Unfortunately, it doesn't work. Obama's Child Protective Services thugs spotted Junior the moment they walked into our living room. The ghillie suit provided no camouflage whatsoever. If anything, it drew attention to him.

Consider getting the "Cellblock C Little Shiv-Works" craft kit instead. It comes with everything you need: an authentic prison cafeteria spoon, enough electrical tape to shape a handle to fit any child's hand, and a cinder block sturdy enough to provide months of sharpening fun. It's what saved Junior from that CPS worker. He used the shiv he created to shank her right through her jackboot and make his escape. Now he lives freely in a nice little spidey-hole he dug out behind where we keep Sheila, our militia morale sheep.

Amazon Review: Defense Technology 56895 MK-9 Stream, 1.3% Red Band Pepper Spray

I see that Lt. John Pike's favorite pepper spray is getting many popular reviews at Amazon. I thought I'd submit my own:

5.0 out of 5 stars Stops 'em From "Going to the Walkers", November 22, 2011

By

Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Defense Technology 56895 MK-9 Stream, 1.3% Red Band/1.3% Blue Band Pepper Spray (Misc.)

I'm faced with a lot of dangerous situations at the nursing home. I give an order to move from the TV room to the cafeteria for a performance of the Tremonton 2nd Ward Primary Children's Chorus and the codgers immediately surround me, leaning threateningly on their walkers. It's a frightening situation to be in, one that always sends me scurrying to the crafts area, seeking the illusory protection of a pair of blunt tip scissors.

That was until I saw Lt. John Pike use this product to defang the threat of sprawling hippies at UC Davis. I immediately purchased a dozen cans. Now, not even the possibility of missing a Matlock rerun can prompt the residents to "go to the walkers."

As for mealtime, grandma no longer menaces me by shaking her mush spoon. Rather, she quickly wolfs her gruel down like a marriage defender getting the most out of a luggage handler, leaving me plenty of time for a long Postum break.

The best thing about this product is that, unlike a cattle prod, it's easy to hide when Uncle Orville's relatives drop in for a visit. No more arguments about what actually constitutes a threat.

Sure, the orange skin stains can be a problem, but that's easily explained away as a sleeping accident in the fingerpainting room.

I recommend it wholeheartedly. Heck, I'm even going to buy stock in the company. Lord knows that after Newt is elected, this product is going to be a godsend to any company faced with potentially violent labor actions launched by our new pre-pubescent workforce.

Amazon Review: Into the Darkness with Dick!

My Amazon is processing my review of Dick Cheney's "In my Time" is up. You can see it here. Please consider casting a "helpful" vote if you're so inclined. It'd be great if it became the "Most Helpful Favorable Review."

4.0 out of 5 stars Into the Darkness, August 30, 2011

By

Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States) - See all my reviews

In the days leading up to the Iraq Phase of Our Glorious and Eternal Crusade to Resubjugate The Brown (GECRB), Leader Cheney sat down with Tim Russert and spoke about our need to embrace the "dark side." This book chronicles His leadership down that sacred path into darkness, His battle and ultimate triumph over the forces of light, and His emergence as America's Dark Lord.

It wasn't an easy journey. His enemies were quick to attack each new initiative, characterizing His insatiable appetite for torture and assassination as unconscionably evil and blaming His penchant for face shooting on an inability to resist the bottle.

What His critics fail to understand is that these dark acts gave Lord Cheney the tools He needed to execute His glorious global vision.

While torture seldom provided intelligence, it gave Lord Cheney something even more important: stories to tell when peddling His policy initiatives. It did not matter that the tortured invented what the torturers wanted in order to avoid further pain. Truth was not the objective. It was the "proof," true or not, that mattered to our Dark Lord.

Assassination worked the same way. Summary execution bypasses the inherent risks of judicial involvement. A dead man can be assigned any number of actions and motives. Courts of law are too concerned with facts to be useful.

As for face shooting. You can't blame a Dark Lord for wanting to have a little fun.

Unfortunately, I can't give Lord Cheney's book a full 5 stars. He fails to adequately provide the reader with the sense of joy He obviously derives from pain, turmoil, and murder. There are no tales of bathing in his enemies' blood or feasting on their hearts or livers.

Still, this book will shape the history of our time. Lord Cheney will be remembered as a strong leader like Somoza, Amin, Mussolini, and other men who weren't afraid to embrace the dark side in the pursuit of their vision.

Amazon Review of Rep Sally Kern's Book

My Amazon review of "The Stoning of Sally Kern: The Liberal Attack on Christian Conservatism - And Why We Must Take a Stand" is up. Please help make it "the most helpful favorable review" by casting a vote for it.

4.0 out of 5 stars Froggy Went A-Courtin', July 10, 2011

By

Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States) - See all my reviews

This review is from: The Stoning of Sally Kern: The liberal attack on Christian conservatism-and why we must take a stand (Hardcover)

It isn't easy being Sally Kern. She issues simple fatwas on morality and the tolerance-o-fascist community reacts in an explosion in anger.

"The Stoning of Sally Kern: The Liberal Attack on Christian Conservatism - And Why We Must Take a Stand" is her response. As she explains in the book, she did not really mean to say homosexualists are terrorists (at least not the white ones). She simply meant that they are as dangerous as terrorists--that two men or two women pledging their lives to each other is as much an act of destruction as flying an airplane into an office building. How can anyone argue with that?

As for her comments about blacks and women, she was merely offering up a critique on affirmative action. So rather than flatly stating that blacks are too lazy to work and women are incapable of it, she feels she should have said, "Employers shouldn't be required to interview blacks and women because they're too lazy and incompetent to hold a job anyway."

See how much different things sound when they're placed into their proper context?

Unfortunately, she doesn't discuss one of her most important contributions to Christian sharia law: the difference between sinful homosexualist love and the normal expression of love between people and their pets and livestock. She explained that difference in an interview with Michelangelo Signorile. When asked why a bill she sponsored would ban books like "Heather Has Two Mommies" but not "The Princess and the Frog," Rep. Kern, filled with the spirit of the Lord, replied, "The difference there is that that is still in the heterosexual lifestyle."

And her grateful constituents let out a righteous cheer. Me, I ordered a dozen Oster GroomMaster Professional Animal Clipper Blades.

Amazon Review: Breitbart's "Righteous Indignation"

My Amazon review of Andrew Breitbart's Righteous Indignation: Excuse Me While I Save the World! is up. You can see it here. Please consider casting a "very helpful" vote for it if you're so inclined. I started late, so I'm way behind in the race for "Most Helpful Positive Review," but with your help, we can do it.

4.0 out of 5 stars America's Leading Reality Re-Engineer and Caucastorian, May 31, 2011

By

Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Righteous Indignation: Excuse Me While I Save the World! (Hardcover)

I bought this book, reluctantly. Although I'm appreciative of Mr. Breitbart's work as a reality re-engineer and caucastorian, it's disheartening to contribute my hard-earned dollars to what eventually will become Shirley Sherrod's retirement nest egg. Still, like so many others in Mr. Breitbart's fan base, I ignored my better judgement and bought his work.

Righteous Indignation begins in the heady days of Monicagate, when Mr. Breitbart's master, Matt Drudge, and his sycophantic servants at the Times, the Post, AP, CNN, and ABC impeached the President for staining a dress. He was there for it all, strategizing with Drudge over a slathering of eggs, retrieving instructions from eager Starr minions, and issuing orders to the likes of ABC's Mark Halperin and the Post's Susan Schmidt.

But it wasn't until the election of Barack Obama, that Mr. Breitbart made his most important contributions to imagineering and denigracial science. Within minutes of learning that Obama had won the nomination, Mr. Breitbart suddenly realized that there was something very different about Obama. The Democratic candidate appeared to be unheartlandishly hued--by God, the future President was, indeed, a Canaanite, a Negro. It was an important revelation for Mr. Breitbart. It appears to be the driving force behind his later successes.

Now, he had to tell the world. He did so, immediately, by co-manufacturing a controversy about the very black proclivity of the Obamas to engage in both fist bumping and calling the righteously-hued, "whitey" in secret, unheard, unseen videotapes. Next, he used the undeniable evidence of shared skin-color to tie the President to a pair of crazed, racist black guys who muttered epithets at a polling station.

But it was his re-branding of ACORN that showed his true genius for reality re-engineering. By utilizing advancements in the field of creatively edited tape--and as some have suggested, perhaps the magic of distilled spirits and free market cocaine as well, Mr. Breitbart re-branded a poverty-fighting organization into a criminal syndicate. Mr. Breightbart brought everything he'd learned to this project: a reliance on traditional sterotypes (i.e. Blacks are criminal, Blacks pray on white women, etc); and, again, tied Obama to it via the undeniable evidence of shared skin-color and the President's history as a community organizer.

Breitbart's base, upper-middle-class poster children for the sad, sorry plight of the white, Christian male, quickly proclaimed him a true American hero, a white messiah sent by God to remove the heavy boot of Black oppression from beneath their feet.

Next, Mr. Breitbart applied his skills in the promotion of creatively edited tape to bring down a USDA official named Shirley Sherrod, re-branding her from a champion of tolerance to a racist extremist. Unfortunately, un-edited tape was quickly made available this time, and Breitbart was unable to make the crucial "Obama is a scary black man" tie.

It's unfortunate that the book was published before Mr. Breihtbart undertook his latest project, an examination of a white Congressmember's member. It will be interesting to see how he re-brands it as black to make that important tie to Obama. But then, I guess that's for another book.

My Amazon Review of Donald Trump's cologne

My Amazon Review of Donald Trump's cologne, "Trump The Fragrance for Men," is up. I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoy smelling like The Donald. Please consider going to Amazon and casting a "helpful review" vote for it if you do.

Here's the review:

5.0 out of 5 stars Bullish, April 28, 2011

By

Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Trump The Fragrance for Men 3.4 oz Eau de Toilette Spray (Health and Beauty)

Bullish. That's the one word that best embodies both the spirit of Trump, the man, and and the fragrance of his cologne.

Indeed, a bull was the image that immediately formed in my mind the first time I smelled "Trump the Fragrance for Men." I'll never forget that introductory whiff. It seized hold of my entire being, unleashing a storm of olfactory memories that left me gasping from a perch on a long-forgotten "bulling stool."

Authentic Americans, patriots like Joe the Plumber and Donald the Trump, simple men who revere the values of the Heartland, will always remember the joyful hours they spent on a bulling stool. Who could forget the wonderful sense of anticipation you feel as you sit there behind the bull, slowly massaging his glorious bull grenades while you screw up the courage to sniff the holy land--that tract of hide that resides so invitingly between the bull bag and the cave of shame--until, eventually, the wanting overcomes the fear and you thrust your nose hard up against the bull and take a whiff.

That, dear readers, is the musky barnyard smell of "Trump the Fragrance."

But that is only part of the bulling stool experience and its relationship to the Donald. Occasionally, the bull will mistake the grenade massage for a medical examination, and he'll turn his head and cough. When that happens, bovine physiology dictates that the bull forcefully eject the entire contents of its fourth stomach out through its cave of shame. Imagine leaning into that as you're thrusting you nose in for a sniff. It's a breathtaking experience, literally breathtaking. It's also very exhilarating to take the full force of such a load of pure bull in a single sitting. It's the only experience that is comparable to sitting through one of Mr. Trump's speeches. They're the same thing, really.

Amazon Review: "Heaven is For Real"

My latest Amazon review: A little four-year-old boy goes to Heaven and God blesses his family by returning the boy in the form of a cash cow. You can see my review here. Please cast a vote for it if the spirit moves you.

Blessed are the Exploited, November 22, 2010

By

Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Heaven is for Real: A Little Boy's Astounding Story of His Trip to Heaven and Back (Paperback)

We live in miraculous times: George W. Bush is a published author; Brystol Palin is an award winning dancer; and this little boy went to Heaven and lived to tell about. Sure, there are cynics who will refuse to see the miracles. They'll point out that President W. plagiarized large parts of his book from The Adventures of Baron Munchausen and they'll say things like, "Have you actually seen Brystol dance?" And most certainly, they'll declare that this child is being forced to lie by adults driven by greed.

I believe the child. I believe he went to Heaven when he was four and then spent the next three years learning how to write so he could tell the world about it. I believe it, not only because Steve Doocey said it was true on Fox and Friends, but also because I've been there too. I've seen Heaven, and it looks a lot like how this young man describes it, like West Virginia, almost.

He's right. Spirits have wings, but they aren't the girly wings we see in angel paintings. These wings are the manly, titanium, sweptback wings of an F-16 fighter, loaded with air-to-air missiles and enough jet fuel to shoot a spirit into Heaven in under three hours.

And about Jesus? The kid is right again. Our Lord and Savior may have been born in the Middle East, but his eyes are as blue as mandrill's hind parts. Man, he looks just like John McCain, a John McCain who chain smokes Camel studs, yells at the kids to stay off his cloud, and forces all the newly dead to play pinochle with him.

That last thing is the worst part about going to Heaven. Jesus is the Son of God; you can't beat him at pinochle. It's humiliating as hell, but you can't complain. He's Jesus Christ. Who are you going to complain to? You just have to sit there and take it while He blows smoke in your face, mocks your hands in that slow southern drawl, and makes comments about how certain parts of you are just too tiny to have been made in His image. It's degrading, but hey, at least you're in Heaven.

Amazon Review: Chased by an Elephant

Update: Author's son is unhappy with my review.

It ain't easy being an author for The One True Church. Satan's minions are always gunning for you. That's certainly the case with Chased by an Elephant, an anti-homosexualist jeremiad written for Mormon children. Latter day Korihors are already attacking it in their blogs, and, as of now, I'm the only Amazon reviewer who gives it more than one star.

Please read my review. If you like it, please consider giving it your vote as "the most helpful favorable review." It'll give me a cushion should God command the Elders of Zion to write their own reviews.

Where are our General Authorities?, October 11, 2010

By	Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Chased by an Elephant (Paperback)

Although I applaud the author's effort to teach homosexualist children to despise themselves, I'm disappointed she didn't bring in the Church's big guns. She should have given the Prophet, Apostles, and other LDS general authorities their own characters in this book.

Imagine how much more the children would have been traumatized if Elder Boyd K Packer had been portrayed as an angry old baboon screeching at anyone who stared a little too long at his big, blood-red "rameumptum." Heck, she could have even had him eat a little homosexualist spider monkey to make sure the kids understand just how much they're hated.

The author also missed an opportunity to expose the real-life wickedness of the world's most homosexualist animals. Sure, I suppose a pair of elephants might get into a little same-sex trunk action every now and then, but I don't think such acts have been observed by scientists, missionaries, or even home teachers. She should have gone with bonobos or penguins or, better yet, juvenile bighorn rams--they've been observed forming homosexualist herds and licking each other's secret parts. They're a perfect target for a good Elder Packer tongue lashing.

But then, it may be enough that the author provides us with way to instill such virtues as shame, self-loathing, hatred, and bigotry in our children. That's why I'm giving this book four stars in spite of its shortcomings.

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Amazon Review: "American Taliban" by Markos Moulitsas

Here's my Amazon review of the Great Orange Satan's "American Taliban." I'm hoping it will become the "Most Helpful Negative Review." Please cast a vote, here, if you'd like to help.

The problem is syllables, September 7, 2010

By	Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States) - See all my reviews

I don't read books written by demonic pipe-smoking communists with well-trimmed beards. I don't read books by homosexualist intellectuals with button-down collars who fill my head with vile carnality every second of the day. And, I don't read books written by subversive eyeglass-chain-wearing foreigner-praising English teachers--why don't they dump Shakespeare; he never wrote a play about the real Americans of the Heartland. Indeed, I take pride in the fact that I never read anything written by libislamunistofascists. The problem is syllables. There are too many syllables in their books. It all seems a little too Muslimy to me. It also gives me headaches.

That said, I felt a need to read this book by Markos Moulitsas. I believed that by reading it, I could learn something about the Great Orange Satan, something that could help me finally put an end to his subversive speech.

Unfortunately, the book offered up no weapons to defeat Markos--no Fiery Sword of the Terrible Cleansing, no Crusader's Blade of Righteous Bloodlust, No Corinthians 4:6 night-vision sniper scope, nothing. Reading American Taliban just pissed me off.

How dare the author compare the American right to the Taliban. Sure, we both hate sex, reproductive choice, secularism, government regulation, homosexualism, and masturbation. We both want to establish godly governments that enforce scriptural law. And, we both justify our wars on the basis of religion. But the similarities end there.

We fight our wars in the name of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. They fight their battles for Allah, a god who doesn't even know how to transubstantiate or turn water into a party.

We want to impose God's kingdom on Earth by passing biblically based sharia laws. The Koran serves as the basis of the Taliban's law, and unlike the Bible, it offers no object lessons in which she-bears eat children or whole cities are smitten with hemorrhoids.

The Taliban punish OB/GYNs using crude, uncivilized methods like stoning. We shoot doctors from a distance with a modern high-powered rifle.

While we may demand that our women dress modestly, and enforce it by calling them sluts or blaming them when they are victims of rape, our burka is a more fashionable and procreation-friendly burka.

Those are just a few examples of how we're dissimilar. I could go on about the differences between a crusade and a jihad; family values vs sharia; the unAllahed vs the unJesused, and morale sheep, adultery, and divorce vs temporary wives, etc, but I think I've made my point. The Great Orange Satan is wrong. We're not like the Taliban. We're God's favored people.

My Amazon Review of a Christian Romance Novel

An acquaintance gave OfJoshua a Christian romance novel--A Voice in the Wind by Francine Rivers--to read. The Holy Ghost prompted me to review it for Amazon. You'll find the result below. As always, please give it a vote, here, if you think this review is helpful.

Secularism vs History, March 15, 2010

By	Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States) - See all my reviews

I'm not much of a romance reader, but I had to pick this book up after reading the summary on the back cover. How could anyone resist a description like this:

Torn by her love for handsome aristocrat, a young slave girl clings to her faith in the living God for deliverence from the forces of decadent Rome.

That simple descriptive sentence could have been written as a summary of my dreams. It's all right there: slave girls, Jesus, and guys dressed in togas. Who could ask for anything more?

But unfortunately, this otherwise fine literary work is flawed. It's not historically accurate. The story occurs 2000 years ago. Where are the dinosaurs? There isn't a single mention of a t-rex or a brontosaurus anywhere in this book. It makes one wonder if the author might be a secret Darwinist.

You'd think dinosaurs would show up in the orgy scenes. There was a lot of homosexuality in ancient Rome, and as we Christians know, a society that accepts that kind of behavior eventually embraces bestiality. So why are there no descriptions of Marcus Valerian giving a stegosaurus a right good rogering?

That's why this novel gets four stars rather than five.

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She ain't afraid of no Vietcong king

Update 2: Amazon put it back up. You can cast your vote if you missed it the first time.

Update: It looks like Amazon killed the review. They've done this to me before. I'll appeal it. Sometimes that helps.

I'm sitting in a hospital waiting room right now. My daughter is having her 22nd surgery in 29 years. I'll deal with Amazon tomorrow, but please send your own complaints as well.
•••

Here's my Amazon review of Going Rouge by Sarah Palin. Please consider Giving it a "helpful" vote so that I can continue my string of writing the "Most Helpful Favorable Review[s]" for some of conservatism's greatest authors.

Ain't afraid of no Vietcong king, November 17, 2009

By	Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States) - See all my reviews

There are many kinds of truth. There are truths based on facts, truths based on faith, and truths based on something that sounds as if it should be true (truthiness). Then there's the kind of truth we find in Sarah's book: stories and concepts that become truths simply because she states them. She's a lot like our Lord and Savior, Glen Beck, in that respect.

Sometimes, she states truths that would be considered ludicrous if uttered by someone else. Her claim that the McCain campaign forced her to spend $150,000 in RNC funds to dress her family in designer clothes is one example of that. Although it might be easier to believe that she acted like a trailer park Zsa Zsa who'd found a credit card left behind at a possum feed, she blames McCain staffers. That's good enough for us, because we have faith; we want to believe her truths.

But the book isn't perfect. As much as I enjoyed the few short paragraphs in which Mrs Palin laid out her policy objectives, she could have condensed it all into one sentence: "I'm going to grab an Oxo Good Grips Stainless Serving Spatula and go all mavericky on your non-white, non-Christian and non-heterosexual butts."

The book also fails to expose Mrs. Palin's intellectual brilliance and keen grasp of foreign policy issues. Why wasn't the text of her recent speech in Hong Kong included? Although it remains secret, it's rumored that she viciously rebuked the Vietcong king for his assault on the Empire State Building. That's a speech we've been waiting for nearly 75 years to hear. It's big news and should have been included.

As you read other reviews of this book, please remember that Mrs. Palin has many enemies who are eager to pan her work. The Palin family's most potent nemesis, Levi's johnston, is no dpubt fully erect and ready to spew globs of misfortune upon them for a third time. And reason-adoring intellectuals are certain to point out that an interview on Good Morning Topeka doesn't qualify as a policy summit in the Far East.

But a few bad reviews won't stop her. She's seen much worse from her kitchen window. It can't be pleasant to gaze upon Antichristograd every morning as you brew your coffee.

My review isn't complete, but I think I'll quit anyway, because writing reviews, like governing, is just too darned hard to finish.

Elsewhere: My Carrie Prejean review gets a mention in a God damned furrin paper.

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Amazon Review: Still Standing by Carrie Prejean

Update: It's now the most helpful favorable review. Let's run the score up.

My Amazon review of Carrie Prejean's Still Standing is up. You can find it here. If you like it, please cast a vote recommending it, so it becomes the "top favorable review."

A Little More Leviticus, Please, November 11, 2009

By	Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States) - See all my reviews

As a paean to love segregation, "Still Standing" serves its purpose. Readers will come away understanding why it is so important to deny basic human rights to their fellow Americans. But it could have been so much more than that. Take a look at the chapter on pornography. Think about how much better it would have been if Miss Prejean had discussed her own video, the one in which she pleasures herself in front of a camera. It would have offered her an opportunity to discuss the Book of Leviticus and God's commandment to use kosher hot dogs. Christian study groups would be scrambling to buy it.

Although the writing in Miss Prejean's book caused me to throw up a little in my mouth, the spirit moves me to give it five stars. I know some might find that a little strange, but a book is more than simply words, sentences, and chapters; it's also cover art, spine glue, and the little blurbs the publisher commands its other authors to write. In sum, all these pieces must come together to make a book. If I love the smell of the book's spine glue, shouldn't I be allowed to reward the publisher with a few extra stars? I certainly think so.

One might also consider the writing to be like Miss Prejean before the Miss California Pageant and the cover art like the silicon implants officials gave her after she won. The original writing is common and fairly unexciting but the cover art makes the book a little more enticing. I like the way she's looking up and to the side. It's the same look she gives in that famous photo of her standing on a beach in the wind, her open shirt flowing back to expose her surgeon's magnificent works of art. That alone is reason enough to put it on your list the next time you go to the library.

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Achieving the perfect orderliness of a soylent green society

After seeing Dennis Kucinich make a mockery of Free Market Jesus by causing David Gratzer to stutter and sputter, I decided I'd better review Gratzer's latest book, The Cure: How Capitalism Can Save American Health Care. Here's my review.

I'm not the book's first admirer. A couple of other fine Teabagger-Americans have already written incredibly fawning reviews. Perhaps I'm biased, but I think mine is much better. If you agree, please give it your vote as the "most helpful review" so it can be listed as the "most positive review." I'm starting late and was 48 votes behind when I published, so if you're inclined, evangelize your freinds and ask them to cast their votes for the one true review as well.

Achieving the perfect orderliness of a soylent green society, July 12, 2009

By	Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States) - See all my reviews

David Gratzer's The Cure: How Capitalism Can Save American Health Care is perhaps greatest paen ever written to the one true religion: laissez-faire capitalism. It's a celebration of the triumph of the bottom line, an adoration of profit, and a joyous prayer of hope for the perfect orderliness of a soylent green society.

Over the last 30 years, we've stood in awe as we've witnessed unregulated capitalism's transformative powers. Where once our edible ecology lacked such keystone species as E.coli and salmonella, our meat, fruit, vegetables, and water have become veritable Edens for those precious pathogens. Where once financial regulation checked glorious greed and encouraged the unbearable ennui that comes with stability, our new, deregulated, economic environment has brought excitement to investing and incredible profits to those few deserving oligarchs who were most prepared with the connections to exploit the system to their advantage.

Now, David Gratzer and the insurance industry wants to do the same for health care. He's heard the complaints. He's read studies like the 2004 Commonwealth Fund report which looked at satisfaction in five nations. He saw that they found that U.S. Americans were by far the most dissatisfied with their health care system (over twice as dissatisfied as Canadians)and less likely to receive care because of cost (17% of Canadians vs 40% of U.S. Americans).

Yes, he's studied it thoroughly and has decided that the problem with the U.S. system is that it is not capitalistic enough. It needs to be deregulated like the food and banking industries. The problem isn't lack of access, it's about deciding who deserves what level of care--it's about rationing health care by one's ability to pay.

Even more importantly, it's not a matter of whether someone can receive the care they need, but whether society will allow him or her to access a free market solution to pay for that service. Is our society advanced enough to provide a patient's loved ones an opportunity to sell their organs to pay for needed health care? Have we achieved that level of compassionate capitalism yet? Do the poor and working classes care enough about life to make sacrifices to preserve it? If not, do they really deserve all of the benefits of life?

These are the fundamental questions to which Gratzer alludes, but, unfortunately, fails to fully address in his book. That's a shame, because these are the questions that must be answered if we are ever to fully achieve the libertarian society he envisions.

That said, Gratzer does honor un-fettered capitalism with the blind worship that it deserves as the answer to everything (along with lower taxes and drilling in the ANWR). That's why I'm giving his book four stars.

BTW, I've added a share widget to the bottom of each post so you can easily share these post via Digg, Fark, Twitter, Facebook, etc.

Hitler, Darwin, and Sasquatch

This week I review "The End of Darwinism," a book praised by Pat Buchanan and panned by Ed Brayton, one of the most evil men in North America.

Here's my review. Please cast a vote to make it the top positive review if you are so inclined:

Hitler, Darwin, and Sasquatch, July 7, 2009 By Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States) - See all my reviews Once every generation, human kind is introduced to a truth so self-evident, we are left pounding the sides of our heads with large slabs of salami, wondering aloud how we did not see the truth much earlier. Such is the case with the first few chapters of Eugene Windchy's book, "The End of Darwinism." His chapter tying Darwin to Adolph Hitler, Karl Marx, and Joseph Stalin was as well argued as anything I've seen since Art Bell first proposed his theory that sasquatch are biological androids built by draco-reptillian aliens bent on eating our gonadial tissues. That said, I wish had Windchy taken a little more time and tied Darwin to someone even more evil, say, Perez Hilton, or perhaps the Octomom. But that's minor quibble. Hitler serves the author's purpose well enough. Octomom would be just gilding the shamwow. Unfortunately, that's as good as this book gets. And that's sad, because it could have been so much more if he'd gone that extra step and exposed the evolutionists for the purveyors of sexual perversion they are. Sure, he's not the only creationist whose failed to expose the evolutionists' depraved agenda. Read my other reviews and you'll see me taking other authors to task for this same thing. But, you'd think that someone who did such a great job exposing Stalin's love affair with Darwin would notice that biologists are trying exploit "our ancestral ties to animals" to seduce us into a living the modern bonobo lifestyle-- a lifestyle of peace where every argument is settled with a fluid-flinging round of hot ape thingy fencing, tongue spelunking, or wang swallowing. That, my friends, is un-American! Or, worse yet,they want us to emulate the giraffe, where the male is forced to gargle the female's urine before he engages in the procreative act. That is not the kind of world I want for myself. And it's definitely not the kind of world I want for our children. I'll be damned if I'm going to sit quietly while good well-meaning Christian authors ignore any evolutionist plot to get us to gargle our wives' urine. That is why I can only give this book 4 stars.

Amazon Review: "The Ultimate Man's Survival Guide"

When reader Peter told me that the editor of the National Rifle Association's American Hunter magazine had written a book, I knew I had to review it. And when I learned that the title of the book was The Ultimate Man's Survival Guide, well, let's just say a little bit of my essence escaped into my M-372B camouflage briefs.

Here's my review. If you like it, please consider giving it a most helpful vote so we can get it listed as the top positive review.

 Achieving a 10 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender, May 20, 2009

By	Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States) - See all my reviews

Years of femislamunistofascist tyranny have made it hard for a man to be a man. Our masculinity is assaulted at every turn. We're told we have to have feelings, and that we can't spit or adjust ourselves in public. Women's magazines, with their tales of whopping three-plus-inch manparts, have created a standard of perfection no man can achieve. Our wives read these things and they laugh at us and call us names like "General Tiny-Parts" or "Vienna Sausage Boy." It's all part of what I call "the sad, sorry plight of the white Christian male." We've been beaten down so much many of us no longer know how to be a man.

That's why a book like "The Ultimate Man's Survival Guide" is so needed now. It provides us with the knowledge we need to reclaim our manhood.

I'll admit it. Even I, a man who spikes an 11 on the manly scale of absolute gender, learned a few tricks from this book. The tips on how to pick the perfect cigar and alligator wrestling are worth the price of the book alone.

That said, I did find a few flaws. The section on how to fight off a bear seemed to be missing something. I tried it down at The Castro, and well, I'm not admitting the bears got the best of me, but I'm telling you a step was left out somewhere.

And you really should warn people what happens when the bear achieves dominance. I mean, my God! It's horrible, and OK, yes, also disturbingly enjoyable. That's the worst part--that feeling of happy satisfaction. That, and the lack of after-action smokes. The author should list cigarettes as one of the things you need when you prepare to fight a bear.

The book also needs a chapter on how to deny your essence to women. You know they take it so they can weaken you. They want to make you feel lethargic and unable to defend yourself when they begin their post-sex taunting. It's just like with the bears.

Finally, you'd think the author, Frank Miniter, who edits the NRA's American Hunter magazine, would have written a chapter on defending your home against terrorists. Gitmo is going to get closed down, and despite the budget vote, it's likely some of the detainees will end up in domestic prisons.

What do we do when Khalid Sheikh Mohammed melts his way out of USP Florence using his mutant heat ray eyes and then crushes Denver with his giant reptile feet. How does a man defend his family from that? A little guidance from Mr. Minter would be helpful.

Still, even with these flaws, I don't feel like the book taunted me too much--even after I denied it my essence. So I'll give it five stars.

Amazon Review" But what about all those country stars who've kicked Satan's ass

This week I review a book that WorldNetDaily is promoting very heavily: "The Lennon Prophecy," by Joseph Niezgoda. I think it makes the best case ever that John Lennon sold his soul to Satan.

I'll also be doing an an exclusive investigative report later this week about a certain band that sold their collective souls for fame and a shit load of jump suits.

Here's my review. Please cast a vote to make it the top positive review if you are so inclined:

But what about those Country Stars who've bested Satan, May 17, 2009 By Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States) - See all my reviews There is no longer any question that John Lennon sold his soul to Satan? The case Joseph Niezgoda makes in "The Lennon Prophecy" is about as airtight as it gets. I mean, hey, we're talking creation science levels of proof here. Niezgoda's conclusions are unassailable. Each proof--whether it's the missing "The" on the back of the "Abbey Road" album or the fact that Charles Manson believed the title of the song "Revolution #9" sounded a lot like the Bible's Revelations Chapter 9--is incontrovertible. Yes, it's as incontrovertible as the fact that Adam loved to feed carrots to his pet stegosaurus, Pokey. But as good as this book is, the addition of a chapter about all the country musicians who've bested Satan would have made it even better. That's a story that doesn't often get told in the libumetrocialist media. They'd rather we believed that Lucifer has domain over all music, when in fact Beelzebub only digs rock and the blues. That's why there's never been a book written about how Charlie Daniels out-fiddled The Deceiver or how the second most heterosexual American (I'm the first), Horatio Lee Jenkins, kicked Satan's puking butt in a drinking contest Drunker Than Satan Ep. The libumetrocialists don't want us to know. There's also the question about whether John Lennon, Nancy Pelosi, Mia Farrow, Dan Rather, and Satan all participated in a ceremony that resulted in Obama's conception. It's not covered in this book at all. I mean, sure, we've all seen Obama's Hawaiian birth certificate--so maybe he was born there--but does anyone really know how and where he was conceived? Was Lennon's Satanic seed involved? Was it in a foreign place like San Francisco? We don't know, because Niezgoda fails to address it. But then maybe that's another book.

Another Amazon Review: "The Tea Party Movement"

This time, I review The Tea Party Movement: Why It Started, What It's About, and How You Can Get Involved. If you enjoy it, please consider voting for it so it will be listed as the top positive review.

Here it is:

 Frightened Middle-Aged White Guys are People Too, May 11, 2009

By	Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States) - See all my reviews

On April 15, 2009, many Americans got their first glimpse of the Tea Party Movement and were very confused. To most, it appeared to be little more than a big dark exhaust cloud of unfocused anger or some strange tribal dance where portly middle-aged men wearing way-too-tight Harley leathers performed rites to exorcise a legion of demons who were tromping across their collective lawns.

That was not the intention of the Movement's creators. They envisioned a well-organized, lobbyist-directed movement that could mobilize nervous middle and working class people to defend the aristocracy's god-given right to rule.

This book is a part of an effort to bring the Movement's focus back to what its creators intended it to be. The author does it by packaging the aristocracy's demands as history and calling it patriotism.

Certainly, anyone who's spent more than five minutes studying the Tea Party Movement finds the whole connection to the Boston Tea party to be ludicrous. Sam Adams and the gang weren't dumping tea in order to get some tory fat cat a tax cut. They were protesting taxation without representation, something that does not exist in the modern US anywhere except within the District of Columbia. And Lord knows, no Tea Party activist wants to give DC congressional representation--it's a bit too swarthy, and therefore, too scary, a place for us.

But it isn't important whether anyone actually believes there's a relationship between the Movement and the founding fathers--the important thing is that we can point to this book and say that's what we're doing as we mumble about a black man in the White House under our breath.

And that's why this book gets 5 stars. It gives us an excuse. It allows us to hide our righteous conservative bigotry underneath the layers upon layers of Gadsden flags we've wrapped around ourselves.