Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

If you like the patriotic work we're doing, please consider donating a few dollars. We could use it. (if asked for my email, use "")

Friday, May 08, 2009

The Opinuary Column

The Opinion Why yes, dear, that blouse does make you look fat has died as a result of blunt force trauma after having been caught off-guard while getting ready for a dinner party last Saturday night. The Opinion, which had kept to itself and minded its own business for many years while leading a quiet and uneventful life, pretty much blew everything in a thoughtless moment of casual honesty.

A service honoring the memory of the Opinion will be held this Sunday morning. Men who attend are advised to keep their mouths shut for most of the day--this means before, during and after the service. Burial conducted by Tewlitel Tewlate Family Mortuary.

Special Note: Happy Mother's Day! You look so young! Have you lost weight? You look terrific!



  1. I made a variation of that mistake. Once. Snark isn't appropriate with moms, and I have the scars to prove it. Just add: "No ma, your cooking is still the best I've ever eaten.." to Special Note.

  2. I learned not to say "when's the baby due?" unless I'm sure there's a baby due. It was a painful lesson.

  3. Sadly, the Opinion’s demise was part of a murder/suicide pact. Alongside the Opinion, the Trap Question “Do I look fat in this (dress, skirt, pants, whatever)” died of self inflicted wounds.

    I lieu of flowers, mourners are asked to make a modest donation to the Insecure and Needing Validation Rehabilitation Center for the Buyers of Self Help Books.

  4. Mr. mjs, Sir:

    I think honesty is the best policy so I try to always be honest, albeit with a modicum of kindness. If my honey (which I don't got one of, at present) was to say to me. "Does this pair of slacks make my ass look too big?" I would of course say, "No.". I might choose to add, "What makes your ass look big is that it's wider than your shoulders by a ratio of 3/1 and it sticks out behind you like an oak gall.". But, that latter addendum would not be used if I was planning on sleeping with (or even in the same country as) my honey.

  5. jcricket: you know this world too well.

    democommie: if you use math while explaining a response to a "land-mine heavy" question you could be inviting further agony. I have found saying "I love you" when asked anything by my spouse usually buys me enough time to scurry into the backyard for gardening chores. Sure, she finds me soon enough, but by then she has lost the advantage--and she knows it, which is part of an endless cycle but at least I get to go outdoors.

    Note to Eustace: no large bellies were mistaken for pregnancies in the writing of this comment.

    Note to moondancer: when it comes to mothers, sarcasm is the salmon that the bear dines upon, it (the sarcasm) being the poor unfortunate male who perished far short of the egg-laying ponds upstream. It's not funny, but it is a teaching moment.


  6. That opinion has been dead around my house for quite some time. I killed it by saying "You want MY opinion on fashion? Look at the clothes I wear! You think I'M any judge of style?" I bashed that statement out three or four times and it drove a stake right through the opinion's heart...


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.