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Friday, May 29, 2009

The Opinuary Column



The Opinion God loves you and listens to your prayers has died after a protracted illness. It succumbed much as it has done every day for over 28,000 children who perish from treatable and preventable diseases across the earth. That's 28,000 children a day, every single day, without pause. It is believed that these children, largely from poor countries, probably don't pray hard enough or to the right god, but still...the Opinion that there is a loving, anthropomorphic deity who deigns to intercede in the affairs of humans did indeed keel over like an artery-clogged priest on Altar Boys Shower Night, ultimately expiring in an indecorous heap on the slippery-when-wet tile floor.

The Opinion, which had served to comfort people who wish to win the lottery or see their child's Little League team defeat some other family's child's Little League team, had been on life support for as long as anyone can remember. Initially believed to be an outgrowth of sympathetic magic and humanity's desire to be cut a goddamn break once in a while the uses of prayer mostly revolved around giving the believer a personal place to go with their largely Iron Age understanding of the cosmos. One of prayer's greatest hallmarks was its use as a litmus test for one's faith, i.e. Yes, you prayed, but did you pray hard enough? Another favorite of the supplication crowd is "We prayed for you" which is shorthand for "Good luck with that foreclosure." Evidence that all prayers are equal, while at the same time some prayers are more equal than others has not been made available to the public.

The family of the Opinion asks that the general public not mention the Opinion's passing to any True Believers as such news would just ricochet off the tops of their heads anyway, before vanishing into a vast, seemingly endless horizon of dazzling beauty, mystery and ineffable glory. Amen.

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12 comments:

  1. Be sure to tell the family of the Opinion that we will be praying for them.

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  2. I thought you would be pleased to know that the Google Ad accompanying this post consists of the text:

    "Overwhelmed? Your need is OurPrayer.

    We pray for you by name and need.

    OurPrayer.com. Trust us with your prayer requests."

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  3. Thank you, Lily. Be very careful with non-licensed prayer offerings. These are probably Zombie Prayers and will eventually eat your brains, your soul and your knees.

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  4. Godammit Cline, is that you? What did you do with the real MJS, you heathen?

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  5. Thanks Sir, you have no idea how long I prayed for this glorius day to come.

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  6. Prayer-how to do nothing and still think you're helping.

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  7. Mr. mjs, Sir:

    Far be it from me to correct you but my KKKristian-to-English dictionary says that the phrase, "We prayed for you." actually translates to:

    "Die a horrible death and burn in helll forever, you HEATHEN FUCK!".

    Does this mean there is no pot at the end of the rainbow? Does this mean that, with all the horseshit there is no pony? I am destitutified.

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  8. I'm putting my "pray for ______" up for bid on Ebay. Capitalism lives!

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  9. General, Sir:

    "Here on earth, Gods work must truly be our own." President John F. LennedyWhen it comes to the unspeakable tragedy of 28,000 helpless children dying every day for no good reason, the problem, sir, is not with the praying. The problem is the people not doing anything tanglibe to do anything about it.

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  10. General, Sir:

    Tanglibe, I say, sir. Tanglibe!

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  11. I do not suggest that "the problem" is praying, but it is not the solution either. Near where I live in Oregon there is a cemetery filled with the graves of children, children whose various illnesses took them to death, even as their families and friends prayed over them (google "Followers of Christ"). They are religious extremists, and in their world god does not work through doctors and medicine but through really concentrated praying--judging by the cemetery, the relative efficacy of their prayers is tangibly less than what those children required, that is if keeping them healthy and alive is the goal.

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  12. I await the organized religions of America to revert to pre-prayer, or sacrifice. Keep a close watch on your pets, bulls and firstborn.

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.