Institute for Marriage and Public Policy
National Organization For Marriage
Dear Mrs. Gallagher,
Sen. Ensign's excuse for his adultery points to a threat against marriage that may be even more dire than that posed by marriage equality advocates. According to the senator, it was the closeness of the two couples that led to his infidelity. Apparently, Sen. and Mrs. Ensign spent a lot of time hanging out with his concubine and her husband, and all that face time whipped them up into a kind of wild frenzy of fluid-flinging carnality.
Makes sense to me. Lord knows, best friend's wives are irresistible, even for a committed Promisekeeper like Sen. Ensign. And, of course, using the same logic, one might assume that the same held true for the husband and Mrs. Ensign. Who knows what all went on there. I can almost imagine the four of them pairing off after a nice backyard barbecue and having some kind of weird orgasm race right there on the lawn--might have even worn NASCAR jackets with advertising patches for Viagra, condoms, and spatulas sewn onto them.
That'd be kind of hot--all naked except for NASCAR jackets, sticky BBQ sauce smeared all over, the sound of spatula against flesh keeping cadence like a riding crop on a thoroughbred as you compete man to man to be the quickest to to release your essence...mmmmmmmm...watching your opponent's muscles grow taut with each stroke...sinewy, sweaty, masculine flesh doing God's procreative will. Oh God that is hot.
Oh, but wrong, very wrong and sinful. Not hot, just wrong. Yes. Immoral. And I was thinking about women when I wrote that, and when I stopped writing for a few minutes there too.
Anyway, that's something you should be working on, isn't it? It wouldn't be all that hard to fight the twin threats of friendly couples and marriage equality at the time. You just need another spokesman for that, and i think I'm the guy to do it.
Ofjoshua and I have resisted the temptation of having couple friends. All our Friends are single. Well, hers are. I don't really have any friends unless you count my inflatable Limbaugh buddy. I guess I'm pretty close to him. I gave him a nickname. That's friendly. I call him "Lips," "Lips Limbaugh."
Ofjoshua's best friend is our neighbor, Mr. Garcia. She spends a lot of time at his place listening to Barry White albums. He's sick a lot. She says the music is good for him. I used to worry that she'd catch whatever he has, but now she wears this very tight latex outfit when she goes over there. It's like a surgical glove for the body, but it's shiny and black.
So anyway, I think I'm your spokesman for this. I'd like to talk to you more about it. Please get back to me soon.
Heterosexually yours in a chaste, biblical, and a non-Ensign-kind-of-Promisekeeper kind way,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot