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Wednesday, June 17, 2009

John Ensign Loves the Sting of a Good Promisekeepers' Spatula

Maggie Gallagher
Institute for Marriage and Public Policy
National Organization For Marriage

Dear Mrs. Gallagher,

Sen. Ensign's excuse for his adultery points to a threat against marriage that may be even more dire than that posed by marriage equality advocates. According to the senator, it was the closeness of the two couples that led to his infidelity. Apparently, Sen. and Mrs. Ensign spent a lot of time hanging out with his concubine and her husband, and all that face time whipped them up into a kind of wild frenzy of fluid-flinging carnality.

Makes sense to me. Lord knows, best friend's wives are irresistible, even for a committed Promisekeeper like Sen. Ensign. And, of course, using the same logic, one might assume that the same held true for the husband and Mrs. Ensign. Who knows what all went on there. I can almost imagine the four of them pairing off after a nice backyard barbecue and having some kind of weird orgasm race right there on the lawn--might have even worn NASCAR jackets with advertising patches for Viagra, condoms, and spatulas sewn onto them.

That'd be kind of hot--all naked except for NASCAR jackets, sticky BBQ sauce smeared all over, the sound of spatula against flesh keeping cadence like a riding crop on a thoroughbred as you compete man to man to be the quickest to to release your essence...mmmmmmmm...watching your opponent's muscles grow taut with each stroke...sinewy, sweaty, masculine flesh doing God's procreative will. Oh God that is hot.

Oh, but wrong, very wrong and sinful. Not hot, just wrong. Yes. Immoral. And I was thinking about women when I wrote that, and when I stopped writing for a few minutes there too.

Anyway, that's something you should be working on, isn't it? It wouldn't be all that hard to fight the twin threats of friendly couples and marriage equality at the time. You just need another spokesman for that, and i think I'm the guy to do it.

Ofjoshua and I have resisted the temptation of having couple friends. All our Friends are single. Well, hers are. I don't really have any friends unless you count my inflatable Limbaugh buddy. I guess I'm pretty close to him. I gave him a nickname. That's friendly. I call him "Lips," "Lips Limbaugh."

Ofjoshua's best friend is our neighbor, Mr. Garcia. She spends a lot of time at his place listening to Barry White albums. He's sick a lot. She says the music is good for him. I used to worry that she'd catch whatever he has, but now she wears this very tight latex outfit when she goes over there. It's like a surgical glove for the body, but it's shiny and black.

So anyway, I think I'm your spokesman for this. I'd like to talk to you more about it. Please get back to me soon.

Heterosexually yours in a chaste, biblical, and a non-Ensign-kind-of-Promisekeeper kind way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

13 comments:

  1. Wow.. I guess the Promisekeepers get all the action.

    ReplyDelete
  2. The Promisekeepers are the new Fuckyoulaters.

    ++++

    p.s. A trick I learned: when I start to fantasize about having sex with my wife's girlfriends, who always stand towering above me like the turgid valkyries that they are, riding hard upon my back as they wield their vulcanized man-props...I forgot what the trick was...was it a warm washcloth? And just to be very clear here: I have never mictorated on a leather jungle harness.

    I'm glad we had this chat.

    ++++

    ReplyDelete
  3. General, Sir:

    There are no photos, anywhere, afaik, of Ms. Hampton. There is an ex-Jehovah's Witness by that name who might be the party except that I think her, erm, religious differences might be a problem.

    The good news is that either James or Josh Brolin could play Senaturd Ensign (Hidethesalami-Nevada). I'm sure that he wasn't schtupping the lady's hubby, too. Although, it does make one wonder about his scrawled memo to staff, some months back, that he would be spending a number of the coming weekends "in the Hamptons".

    NB:

    Sir, this new commenting thing is, how can I say this diplomatically? completely fucked.

    ReplyDelete
  4. We should have learned long ago that when the Righties and Fundies point fingers, it means their own sinning has already begun.

    May their diety have mercy on their lying bullshit puny selves. The rest of us stopped caring awhile ago.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Maybe the Good, Wise Sarah Palin, who represents women of all ages, could offer some words of counsel, since the Letterman gig is about over.

    ~~~Nomi

    ReplyDelete
  6. Who is the unidentified woman he's standing next to? Daughter, cousin, niece? Surely not the wife.

    ReplyDelete
  7. That should be "taut" not "taught"; and "I used' to worry," not "use."
    Otherwise a fine post, sir. Keep the faith.

    Horace Fudpucker

    ReplyDelete
  8. I always wonder what inspires folks to post comments correcting spelling and/or grammatical errors in a bit like this. Especially when we all know what the General meant anyways. As an erstwhile (I like to think, “retired”) blogger who posted only about a tenth the number of posts the General posts in a given month, I know I made the occasional blooper myself. But I always figured it comes with the territory, especially when one posts at least once a day and tries to make a living at a regular day job in the meantime.

    Slack cutting is underrated, ask me.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Sir,
    As always, your astute observation of impending threats and willingness to serve is commendable.
    Clarity and spatulas in the afternoon - Well done, Sir.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Dave von Ebers: I thin you hitt the nale on he hed!

    ++++

    ReplyDelete
  11. Mr. mjs, Sir and Counsellor von Ebers:

    Fuckin'A, doods.

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete

We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.