Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

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Friday, July 10, 2009

Ensign to put off wearing "big boy pants" until he reaches 60

I've spent a lot of time arguing with myself about whether I should publish this letter from Sen. John Ensign to his parents. It's a private letter and publishing it feels a bit voyeuristic. But the Senator wants people to understand what happened, and he's asked me, as one of the leaders of the Teabag Revolution, to publish it here, so, I'll respect his wishes.
Dear Mumsy and Dadsy,

I'm in a little bit of trouble and I need your help. You see, I have a mistress I need to pay off and and I can't quite swing it. It's just $100K.

I know I said I'd put on my big boy pants and take care of these things myself when I hit 50, but this was really unexpected. How was I to know that being a minority senator would be so much less lucrative. You help me get through this and I'll put on my big boy pants at 60. I promise.

Yes, I know that's eight years away, but I think I may need to resign if anyone learns about this affair. If I do, I'll blame the vicious left wing media for making me do it, and say it's like a point guard passing off the ball to help the team. OK, yes, I know what you're thinking. No one is stupid enough to believe that. But really, it's all I have. I've got to try it.

And that's why I'm going to delay putting on my big boy pants until I reach 60. I like being a senator, so if I resign, I'm going to need you to pay me to be a pretend senator for awhile--at least until I win the presidency.

And I'll still need your help then. George Bush never had to put on big boy pants. I shouldn't have to either.

I love you both very much.

Holding my breath until I see a check.

Your son,

Sen. John Ensign


  1. As Mr. Zevon put it:

    Send lawyers, guns and money
    Dad, get me out of this

  2. General, Sir:

    Perhaps these reptilican mens who haz so much trouble keeping their little soldiers "on base", so to speak could get a little help from the the LDS-in-Chief. I think some of Mittunswillard's Magic Underoos could help these fellers resist fleshly temptatiousness. They might have to be modified (soaked in a 12% solution--equal parts saltpeter and novocaine), but I think that the use of those, and a fuckofalot of prayer would help immeasurably.

  3. I say let's issue standardized paramours accross the board to all Senators and Congressmen. Those who don't wish to use his or her standardized paramour could refuse the service, saving the taxpayers some money.

    I wish to be compensated for this innovative advice.

  4. General, Sir:

    I'm, like, otally stealing this, but it turns out the Minnesota GOP (pronounced "glop" but w/o the 'l') has to pay $96,000 American dollars in legal fees to one Al Franken for costs he, Franken, incurred due to Norm Coleman's failed lawsuit against him in re the 2008 US Senate election there. So, as somebody else pointed out, it appears that the going rate these days for GOP mistakes is $96,000 US.

  5. "Otalloy" Pronounced like "totally" only w/o the "t".

  6. Fuck it. I meant "totally." God damn. I may be drummed out of the 101st Fighting Keyboarders any day now...


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.