Pastor John Piper
Bethlehem Baptist Church
Dear Pastor Piper,
I'm sorry to hear that God smote your city with a wind storm last week. I think you are correct to assume that He was angry about the homosexual-friendly Lutherans holding a conference there. I bet, given that Prince is a resident, Minneapolis has been on the verge of making it to Lord's smiting list for years. The Lutherans were just the final straw.
But you know you can take measures to ensure it doesn't happen again. You just need to get you a mayor who has one of those God beards*. Then tell him to write something like "Please Jesus, don't send wind storms to Minneapolis anymore" and put it in the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem.
That's what Florida did. They haven't had a hurricane since their governor, Charlie Crist, put a "cease and desist" paper in the Wailing Wall.
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
*I assume, you being a pastor and all, that you know what a "God beard" is, but then, maybe you don't. It took me awhile to finally figure it out. You see, I kept hearing everyone talking about Gov. Christ's beard, but he's clean-shaven in every photo and video I've seen of him. So when I heard that he was so righteous he could convince God to spare Florida from hurricanes, it hit me. His beard is invisible. It's invisible like God's beard--no one's seen that--so that's why you don't see it. Charlie Christ has a God beard.