Faithful Word Baptist Church
Dear Pastor Anderson,
I see you're catching hell because that guy who brought an AR-15 to that Obama event in Phoenix is a member of your church. I don't know why folks are so upset. So he listened to your smite Obama sermon and then took an assault rifle to an Obama speech. Big deal.But I suspect it isn't helping your resisting arrest case. God help you if the verdict is guilty. They're certain to show the judge the video of that sermon as part of your sentencing report. Threatening the life of the President of the United States is not the kind of thing that will convince a judge to be lenient.
You need to mitigate it. You can do so by preaching a sermon condemning Obama for violating God's commandment that a man must stand when he pees. Certainly, that'd convince the judge that you had a good reason to threaten the President. Nobody likes a sitzpinkler.
You know, I bet that's why Obama refuses to allow us Birther-Americans to see his little president. He's afraid we'll notice the watermark where it dangles into the toilet. I get that sometimes with my man-grenades when I'm doing the ol' number two. You know what I mean. You sit down there and the bottom of your ol' glory sack breaks the surface of the water--sends a cold shiver right up the spine. Obama probably has the same problem with his man-thingy--you know what they say about Kenyans.
Man, I so want to see that watermark. I bet it's 2000 Flushes® blue, just like my man-marbles.
Anyway, the sermon shouldn't take a lot of prep. You just need to tweak your old "As a Man Pisseth" sermon. Change the part about the Germans. Make it Kenyans and start yelling about how God is angry because Obama refuses to pisseth against the wall.
That'll do it.
Heterosexually yours,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
A helmet tip to S. Simpson.
Gimme that old time religion. And a mop.
ReplyDelete++++
Dave Neiwert even noticed Pastor Steve! http://dneiwert.blogspot.com/search?q=Steven+Anderson
ReplyDeleteoops! maybe I shoulda tinyurled that.
I had no idea.
ReplyDeleteEvery time I hear Pastor Steve rail against the evils of not-pisseth-ing-against-the-wall, I’m reminded of the cover of Who’s Next.
ReplyDeleteThere’s no joke there; that’s just what I always think of. Damn the ’70’s.
Personally, I prefer to urinate while hanging upside down in a set of gravity boots. Forcing myself to pee forcefully and accurately in defiance of gravity strengthens the muscles of the pelvic floor and subsequently allows me to perform sexual feats that would make decent people everywhere recoil in lusty terror.
ReplyDeleteright. it's not like the guy wore a "no blood for oil" t-shirt to a bush rally or anything.
ReplyDeleteI've said it before, and I'll say it again...
ReplyDelete... Xianism is just one giant pissing contest. Measure it any way you want. If you can outpiss someone, then by God, you have proven your worth.
And that's all Xianists are worth. A pool of piss at the bottom of a wall.