Brad Clay
Youth Minister, Sulphur First Baptist Church
Pro Staff Hunter, Final Descent Outdoors Ministry
Dear Pastor Clay,
I think it's great you're starting a gospel-based hunting ministry. I'm surprised someone didn't beat you to it. It seems so obvious. There's nothing quite as holy and sacred as that moment when your well placed .357 hollow-point causes a rabbit to explode in a glorious mist of blood and guts.
But after seeing your hog hunt video, I'm not so sure you're as committed to gospel-based hunting as you claim to be. For instance, you say you call yourself "The Final Descent Outdoors Ministry," but the word, 'Ministry" doesn't appear anywhere on your title graphic. Heck, it doesn't appear anywhere in your video.
Neither does Jesus.
The only time you mention God at all is in a couple of sentences near the end, and that's only to say He blessed the hunt (yeah, like God blessed the hunt by helping your sharpshooting Friend ruin a bunch of good meat by shooting a pig in the ass ). That's it. That's the only mention.
You spend a lot more time plugging your sponsor's camo, praising it for bringing you turkeys. Well, Pastor "Pro Staff Hunter," your camo didn't bring those turkeys. God did. And he did it to give you a big ol' killing boner you couldn't satisfy because it wasn't turkey season. He was punishing you, you fake gospel-based "pro staff hunter" son of a bitch.
OK, that was harsh. I really want to believe that as a youth pastor at a real brick, powerpoint, and mortar church, you're not fusing this whole gospel-based ministry thing as a tax dodge for a hunting guide and outdoor video business. And that's why I hope, you'll accept a few suggestions for making your shows a little more gospel based.
You need to bring Jesus right into the show. Hire an actor play Him as the hunter. There has to be a few guys in Sulphur who look like Jesus--bearded Norwegians are everywhere. Just put one of them in a camo-print Jesus robe.
Then, as your there waiting in your blind or tree stand for a pig or a turkey or whatever, have him say things that relate the hunting experience to the gospel. Maybe something like, "Them there deer got me cogatin' about them ones in that titty scripture, Song of Solomon 4:5." You know what I mean. You're both a pastor and a "pro staff hunter," you can find things that relate.
Get your sponsors into it too. Imagine how much more product they'd sale if Hunter Jesus was selling it. Picture a graphic of Jesus shooting a big ol' turkey with the caption "Suffer the big ones to come unto my Haydel’s Turkey Call."
Well, that's enough to get you started, I reckon. Give me a call if you have a minute and we can maybe talk about doing a "The Passion Of The Baby Seal" video.
Heterosexually yours,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
p.s. Keep an eye on that head pastor and music minister at Sulphur First Baptist. They look kind of funny to me.
A helmet tip to Mrs. Ted Nancy.
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