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Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Jesus Christ In Feather Flage Camo

Brad Clay
Youth Minister, Sulphur First Baptist Church
Pro Staff Hunter, Final Descent Outdoors Ministry

Dear Pastor Clay,

I think it's great you're starting a gospel-based hunting ministry. I'm surprised someone didn't beat you to it. It seems so obvious. There's nothing quite as holy and sacred as that moment when your well placed .357 hollow-point causes a rabbit to explode in a glorious mist of blood and guts.

But after seeing your hog hunt video, I'm not so sure you're as committed to gospel-based hunting as you claim to be. For instance, you say you call yourself "The Final Descent Outdoors Ministry," but the word, 'Ministry" doesn't appear anywhere on your title graphic. Heck, it doesn't appear anywhere in your video.

Neither does Jesus.

The only time you mention God at all is in a couple of sentences near the end, and that's only to say He blessed the hunt (yeah, like God blessed the hunt by helping your sharpshooting Friend ruin a bunch of good meat by shooting a pig in the ass ). That's it. That's the only mention.

You spend a lot more time plugging your sponsor's camo, praising it for bringing you turkeys. Well, Pastor "Pro Staff Hunter," your camo didn't bring those turkeys. God did. And he did it to give you a big ol' killing boner you couldn't satisfy because it wasn't turkey season. He was punishing you, you fake gospel-based "pro staff hunter" son of a bitch.

OK, that was harsh. I really want to believe that as a youth pastor at a real brick, powerpoint, and mortar church, you're not fusing this whole gospel-based ministry thing as a tax dodge for a hunting guide and outdoor video business. And that's why I hope, you'll accept a few suggestions for making your shows a little more gospel based.

You need to bring Jesus right into the show. Hire an actor play Him as the hunter. There has to be a few guys in Sulphur who look like Jesus--bearded Norwegians are everywhere. Just put one of them in a camo-print Jesus robe.

Then, as your there waiting in your blind or tree stand for a pig or a turkey or whatever, have him say things that relate the hunting experience to the gospel. Maybe something like, "Them there deer got me cogatin' about them ones in that titty scripture, Song of Solomon 4:5." You know what I mean. You're both a pastor and a "pro staff hunter," you can find things that relate.

Get your sponsors into it too. Imagine how much more product they'd sale if Hunter Jesus was selling it. Picture a graphic of Jesus shooting a big ol' turkey with the caption "Suffer the big ones to come unto my Haydel’s Turkey Call."

Well, that's enough to get you started, I reckon. Give me a call if you have a minute and we can maybe talk about doing a "The Passion Of The Baby Seal" video.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

p.s. Keep an eye on that head pastor and music minister at Sulphur First Baptist. They look kind of funny to me.

A helmet tip to Mrs. Ted Nancy.



  1. I tried to watch the video, but when that one guy started whisperin' through the camo man-panties that covered his mouth I, well shoot, my hunt was over for the night, if you know what I mean, and I ain't as young as I used to be so there's no way I'm going to reload. I am calling it a night yessir!

    Aw, shit, who am I kiddin'? Camo man-panties over his purty mouth? Damn, my gun went off again! I feel like a teenager, for goodness' sake!


  2. Completely off topic....Sen, Kennedy has died. My household is bawling.

  3. General, Sir:

    Begging your pardon, Sir, but if "KKKamo KKKrist™©®" is into droppin' feral hogs at over 100 yards, that Winchester just ain't the gun he wants. I'd recommend a Savage Model 99 in .250-3000 Savage, .300 Savage, .243 Winchester or .308 Winchester caliber. Bur (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) that's just so's the game warden will know that we could taken the pig with what we open carry. For me, the best hog gun is till the M16 with an underslung M203, 40 mm grenade launcher. You hit a boar with oneathem puppies it'll be rainin' bacon, boy howdy!

  4. First of all, what’s with the rock ’n roll music in the video? It’s not Lynyrd Skynyrd, so what the hell? Talk about yer devil music.

    Second of all, Sulphur, Oklahoma? Sulphur? As in, Brimstone? Tells you all you need to know about that Sodom-on-the-Red-River.

    Then there are the turkeys. A whole fuckload of turkeys, and they don’t shoot none of ’em. Not in season, my ass. Those guys are a bunch pussies, ask me.

    And one more thing. “Final Descent Outdoor Ministry? Final fucking Descent? As in, descent into hell. What kind of name is that?

    Why, I’ll bet they’re all light in the Wolverines®, if ya know what I’m sayin’.

    (By the way, don’t they sell pig at the grocery store in Oklahoma? Just askin’.)

  5. BS on the video; that was no feral hog. It spotted the hunters and did not react. Also there are electric fence posts behind the pig. That animal was in a pasture. Only the turkeys were wild

  6. Visiting this site never fails to increase my customer satisfaction with the great state of New Jersey.

  7. look kind of funny

    Same topic, Sir: I couldn't help noticing there's no photo on SulBap's website for a "Clayton Edgar, Children's Minister." Could that be an alias?

  8. EW:

    Are you sayin' that was a canned ham? Damn, I need new glasses. Where were they huntin'? At Dick Cheney's "Fish In'a'Barrel" game farm?


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.