Dear Mrs. Schlafly,
Kristin Maguire needs your help. You remember her. She's the abstinence education activist who made history by becoming the first home schooling mom to be appointed chair of a state school board. You praised her in one of your Education Reporter stories.
Now she's in trouble for entertaining Gov. Sanford's Chief of Staff with a righteous lap dance, showing another staffer her see-through, but Christ-like, panties, and writing such faith-based internet literary classics as "Lauren's Masturbatory Musings."
Yesterday, she ran her resignation up Gov. Sanford's Appalachian trail in order to spend more time lap dancing, flashing, and masturbating with her family. That's a shame. Lord knows the good people of South Carolina needed her Christ-based policy advocacy on the school board. Who will champion abstinence and creation science education for South Carolina's school children now?
Even more importantly, who will serve as the Palmetto State's role model for heterosexuality in her absence? Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer can't, now that he's been outed as an anti-gay homosexual. Maybe, Lindsey Graham can fill that role. But something tells me he's not the best choice.
That's why you have to help Kristin. You must convince people that it's ok for a good Christian homeschooling mom to give lap dances and write pornography on the internet. I'd frame it as her playing the submissive role God intended for women. The lap dances and flashing were her way of submitting to the Godly authority of the Christian men for whom she served. Same with the porn. The story was about a female secretary pleasing a male CEO--there's nothing more traditionally conservative than that. Heck, it could maybe even be turned into a film strip--do they still have those--and used in the curriculum.
See what you can do, and then we'll try to get her resignation withdrawn.
Heterosexually yours in a chaste and biblically appropriate kind of way,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot