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Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Lap Dancing for Jesus on the SC Board of Education

Phyllis Schlafly
Eagle Forum

Dear Mrs. Schlafly,

Kristin Maguire needs your help. You remember her. She's the abstinence education activist who made history by becoming the first home schooling mom to be appointed chair of a state school board. You praised her in one of your Education Reporter stories.

Now she's in trouble for entertaining Gov. Sanford's Chief of Staff with a righteous lap dance, showing another staffer her see-through, but Christ-like, panties, and writing such faith-based internet literary classics as "Lauren's Masturbatory Musings."

Yesterday, she ran her resignation up Gov. Sanford's Appalachian trail in order to spend more time lap dancing, flashing, and masturbating with her family. That's a shame. Lord knows the good people of South Carolina needed her Christ-based policy advocacy on the school board. Who will champion abstinence and creation science education for South Carolina's school children now?

Even more importantly, who will serve as the Palmetto State's role model for heterosexuality in her absence? Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer can't, now that he's been outed as an anti-gay homosexual. Maybe, Lindsey Graham can fill that role. But something tells me he's not the best choice.

That's why you have to help Kristin. You must convince people that it's ok for a good Christian homeschooling mom to give lap dances and write pornography on the internet. I'd frame it as her playing the submissive role God intended for women. The lap dances and flashing were her way of submitting to the Godly authority of the Christian men for whom she served. Same with the porn. The story was about a female secretary pleasing a male CEO--there's nothing more traditionally conservative than that. Heck, it could maybe even be turned into a film strip--do they still have those--and used in the curriculum.

See what you can do, and then we'll try to get her resignation withdrawn.

Heterosexually yours in a chaste and biblically appropriate kind of way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. If I recall correctly women do not sexually manipulate their vulvateen rabbit for they have no little soldiers to jettison--true, they might occasionally stroke their gear, but not for pleasure: they do it during football games for reasons that will never be fully understood.

    In truth, sometimes women will fantasize about massaging dulcimers, as is their wont, and this is often mistaken for onanism. Nothing could be further from the truth. Their sighs and groans of pleasure are musical in nature, and serve as siren calls to feral luthiers who might be within a banshee's hike of their vocalizations. Heck, I tried to pleasure a woman with my hand once and she said I had my fingering all wrong, a comment only a dulcimer picker would give.


  2. we'll try to get her resignation withdrawn.

    After reading her creative writing, it seems like a "resignation" is the only thing that Mrs. McGuire wants pulled out -- I mean, withdrawn.

    But seriously, the thrusting, frigging, dripping fiction she writes was all within the bounds of a married relationship -- including the part where she rogers herself with a statue in her husband's office and gets Coulterish with another woman in the shower. (You don't have a link to that Penthouse Lettere, do you? Just wonderin') Her husband was there for all that fictive fcuking, so it's OK in the eyes of The Lord.

    I wonder if The Lord was looking in on that through the keyhole? He gets to see all the good stuff...

  3. The hypocritical pornographer Mrs. McGuire is referred to by Paula, the aristocratic fourth-century Roman ascetic, who remarked to her nuns that, "A clean body and clean clothes betoken an unclean mind."

  4. It's enough to make me want to be a kristian, the lives they lead full of sex and porn.

  5. She was just doing her part to keep teh Ghey out of SC government.

  6. General, Sir:

    I just couldn't read that filth--not for more than a few paragraphs at a time, anyways--but, damn!

  7. I like the part where she claims the she didn't write the stories, and then has them removed from the original website. The only way she could do that is if she was the author. ("I didn't write this, but some people claim I did, so you must remove it" will only get you laughed at by any site admin in existence - and possibly sued by the real author.)

  8. I'm looking at that face. I would not want it anywhere near my goodies, were I male or female.

  9. Man, she's hot. She looks like one of them girls in Red Dawn.

  10. I would not want it anywhere near my goodies, were I male or female.

    Alicia, do you mean to say that you are neither?!? Fascinating! My mind reels at the possibilities. I shall have to start reading your blog to find out just WHAT you are...

  11. General, Sir:

    Is there a chance she could save face if she got herself appointed to Gofornicator Stanford's healthy staff and explored the pubic option?

  12. You know what they say in the writer workshops - write what you know.

  13. "Man, she's hot. She looks like one of them girls in Red Dawn."

    Jeff, FTW!!!1!

  14. WWJF: Who Would Jesus Fuck?

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.