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Wednesday, September 02, 2009

On the Sixth Day, God Created the Trumpet

Sherry Melby
Teacher, Sedalia School District #200
Band parent, Smith-Cotton High School Band

cc: Bradley Pollitt
Assistant Superintendent
Sedalia School District #200

Dear Mrs. Melby,

Kudos to you for opposing the Smith-Cotton High School Band t-shirt which featured Dawinunistofascist imagery. I'm in total agreement with your statement that you "don't think evolution should be associated with our school." Indeed, it shouldn't be associated with any school as far as I'm concerned.

It's refreshing to find a school teacher who's so committed to reviving ancient suspicions about science. Things like evolution, heliocentrism, and plate tectonics cause our children to question the literal truths found in our Holy Bible, and should, therefore, have no place in our academies of learning. I long for the day to return when teachers, like yourself, instruct our children to hide under their desks until a solar eclipse passes, least they be struck down by the angry God who took the sun away. I hope you're doing that.

As for the band t-shirts, I fear that simply destroying them is not enough. You need to do something about the philosophy behind them: this "brass evolution" idea that somehow "brass instruments have evolved in music from the 1960s to modern day." The band students need to hear the truth. They need someone like you to stand up in front of them and say, "On the sixth day, God created the trumpet," and then tell the story about how the trumpet was lonely, so God created a coronet out of its spit valve to be its companion. And then how Satan, taking the form of a french horn, got them thrown out of Mr. Jehovah's band class for stuffing those mute cone things in their bell holes.

Only then, can we be certain of our children's salvation.

Heterosexually yours in a chaste, biblically appropriate, and non-mute-cone-stuffing kind of way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. "...don't think evolution should be associated with our school."

    I think they can rest easy on this one. No one will accuse them of being evolved.


    p.s. Beautiful post. I almost walked erect after reading it. Almost.


  2. That Cro-Magnon man has a BIG trumpet. It makes a Straighto Sapiens like me jealous. F@ck that shirt!

  3. It is a certifiably GOOD THING that the Eternal Word of God – handed down in the 16th century KGV translation (concocted under suspicious circumstances) of the 4-3th century BC Greek translation (the Septuagint) of the various wild Hebrew versions that were handed down as translations or re-tellings of Sumerian and Babylonian mythic prototypes – does not and cannot change.

  4. hey, I've been to Sedalia. They have no reason to believe in evolution because it never happened there.
    OMG, what if Darwin's ship had accidentally landed there instead of the Galapagos?!!

  5. Well, public schools are just another example of failed socialism. We should instead be sending our children to privatized Blackwater re-education camps.

    As for musical instruments, I think Garrison Keillor said it best, "There is no evidence that our Lord and Savior ever played a musical instrument--or that he enjoyed hearing other people play theirs."

  6. I'm wondering if you know just how obtuse you sound.

  7. jaredlunde, Maybe you would prefer a rusty trombone?

  8. I wonder if you know how acute you sound.

  9. rev 9:13 from Jamieson-Fausset-Brown Bible Commentary

    13. a voice-literally, "one voice."

    from-Greek, "out of."

    the four horns-A, Vulgate (Amiatinus manuscript), Coptic, and Syriac omit "four." B and Cyprian support it. The four horns together gave forth their voice, not diverse, but one. God's revelation (for example, the Gospel), though in its aspects fourfold (four expressing world-wide extension: whence four is the number of the Evangelists), still has but one and the same voice. However, from the parallelism of this sixth trumpet to the fifth seal (Re 6:9, 10), the martyrs' cry for the avenging of their blood from the altar reaching its consummation under the sixth seal and sixth trumpet, I prefer understanding this cry from the four corners of the altar to refer to the saints' prayerful cry from the four quarters of the world, incensed by the angel, and ascending to God from the golden altar of incense, and bringing down in consequence fiery judgments. Aleph omits the whole clause, "one from the four horns."

  10. Explain to the children that the tarantula and duckbill platypus began as ideas in the mind of God.

  11. Larry, I got to pet a platypus at a wildlife sanctuary not far from here. They're some cute, soft little boogers. I think God knew what He was doing with that 'un.

  12. Bukko in Australia:

    Yeah, platypus ain't got no bite, but look out for them dewclaws. I seed a pitcher of an old Crocodilish Dundee type who got stuck with one. His arm damn near had to be amputated.

    Makemake makenosense.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.