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Monday, September 14, 2009

Porno Pete's Big Confession

Peter J. LaBarbera
Illinois Family Institute

Dear Mr. LaBarbera,


Remember me? I congratulated you awhile back for making Elmhurst the top city in regard to Google searches for the words: "sex," "porn," "gay porn," "anal sex" and "vibrators." No doubt you originated a lot of those searches as part of your ongoing research into homosexuality.

That kind of research affects a man. It opens him up to certain thoughts, homosexual thoughts. Combine that with your other research effort, dressing up in leather and attending S&M conventions, and it's no surprise you've succumbed to homosexuality's siren call.

I'm not guessing here. You admit it in your posted response to Joe Jervis, a man whose commitment to heterosexuality is highly suspect:
I have a comb-over hair style...
I’m really a gay-porn-obsessed homosexual...
I have a small penis...
I am one of the biggest homosexual “closet cases” on the Internet...
I think I understand what's happening. You're wondering if women are turned off by your lack of hair, and you've probably been humiliated by women who laughed when they saw your penis. These thoughts have left you vulnerable to homosexuality's lusty advances.

I can help you with this. Well, with everything but the gay porn obsession. That's your job.

First, the hair--get one of those shiny Kevlar hair rugs like Minority Leader John Boehner wears. Not only will it give your scalp plausible deniability, it just might save your life if you're ever struck by an over-lubed runaway butt plug during one of your Mr. Leatherman undercover forays.

OK, now the penis. You need to stretch it. I use half-a-dozen alligator clips and a little bailing wire to suspend a Colt Python .357 magnum revolver from mine. It hurts like Hell, but it's a good kind of hurt, and it makes me feel as potent as a Pirates of the Caribbean double feature.

Finally, the hardest part: coming to grips with the homosexual thing. There's no real way to conquer it once its mojo goes to work on you--it's why the best place to find ex-gays is in gay bars. You just got to pretend your partner is a woman. Make him wear a wig or maybe you can pretend you're a donkey at a pony ride or something. The point is that you have to believe that whatever you're doing isn't really sex with a man. Because, with Jesus, it's all about intent.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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2 comments:

  1. Uhhhh, where is he supposed to wear that Boner-hair wig? Because if he puts it on down below, in cojugalcation with his teensy wing-wang, it's gonna look like a groundhog sticking its head out of a wheat field. And I don't think the resultant larfter will boost his manly pride.

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.