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Friday, November 13, 2009

The Opinuary Column



The Opinion "And for what he has done, we know that the killer will be met with justice –- in this world, and the next." has died as a result of a self-inflicted impossibility, for there is no way "to know" about a "next life" for which there is no evidence. Not to put too fine a point on it, but there is ZERO evidence of some other realm in the intimated after-world. None. Zilch. Nada. To state "we know" and to follow that with "the killer will be met with justice--in this world, and the next one" is a gargantuan pile of oratorical horse puckey. True, it may be helpful to remember that this particular intonation of unprovable hogwash has been delivered by our President at a time when our nation needs to be reassured that the facilities where our soldiers are trained to kill brown people are doing just fine, thank you. And if the hanging judge doesn't get you in this life, you still might have your neck snapped in the next! Hip hip hooray!

The Opinion is joined in death by the thousands of veterans and active duty soldiers who kill themselves every year for a variety of reasons--following the President's logic, one reason why our troops are killing themselves with such alacrity could be to gain the opportunity to kill themselves in the next life, you know, to get to the head of the line. Also joining the Opinion in death are the thousands of veterans who perish every year as a result of having no medical insurance. It is widely believed that these veterans will be denied medical care in the next life as well. Just ask Joe Lieberman.

The Opinion is also joined by over a million Iraqis who will be given the chance to greet our newly dead as liberators in the next life, but have been cautioned to drive slowly up to the St. Peter White Zone Check Points and to follow all instructions very, very closely, after which they will be fired upon anyway. It is hoped they will receive justice in the 3rd Incarnation (the next, next life) but only the very religious can say (and you know they will!).

In lieu of flowers, in this life or the next or any other life to follow, friends and family of the late Opinion ask that you wear proudly the chains of spiritual bondage, that you nod your head with great sobriety whenever a national leader invokes Bronze Age dogma, and that you do the hokey pokey and you shake it all about. That, in this life and the next, is what it's all about.

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The Opinuary Column appears (in multiple incarnations) Friday afternoons at Jesus' General.

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15 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  2. Now you done soured everything...

    I bought into the Muslim clerics when they promised a harem of hotties at my disposal if I were to wear a vest lined with explosives.

    .... damned thing didn't fit anyway...

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  3. I guess I’ve become so inured to political leaders spouting religious platitudes in response to any sort of tragedy – particularly where military dead are involved – that it just doesn’t bother me. Certainly every president in my lifetime, Democrat or Republican, has invoked God in these kinds of situations; so Obama is no worse in that regard than, say, Kennedy, Johnson, Carter or Clinton, and he’s a damn sight better than, say, Reagan or either of the Bushes. If it means something to Obama or to the grieving families, I kinda figure what do I care. Which is not to say your broader point isn’t 100% correct; it’s just that religious mumbo-jumbo doesn’t even register with me in situations like this.

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  4. Joe,

    That promise of 72 virgins in the koran is actually a typo. It should read a reward of a 72 year old virgin.

    Just so you know.

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  5. A well-written opinionary, but one that might "protesteth a bit too much"...

    It all hangs on what you mean by "evidence." Because if we are to adopt strict scientific standards, there is "no evidence", either, that the person sitting next to you is even conscious and self-aware. Instead, we rely on shared experience to relate to that person sitting next to you, hoping that they aren't a "philosophical zombie".

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philosophical_zombie

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  6. Dave von Ebers: certain things stick in my craw. In this instance the President of the United States said that "...we know that the killer will be met with justice--in this world and the next." That is not just a platitude or comforting bit of vaguely spiritual puffery--he asserts a belief as a fact, and I call bullshit. We "know" no such thing about "justice" being meted out in two different worlds, and though it is trivial to some it is not to me. I am not ready to cede "knowing" to the magical land of "belief."

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  7. mjs: The pedant might say: "oblivion of his world" or "acquittal in this" world is the "next".

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  8. MJS, I’m not saying you’re wrong; I’m just saying I tune this kind of thing out when politicians start talking about tragedies ’n stuff. As for things-sticking-in-one’s-craw, I am particularly empathetic on that score, seeing as how things frequently stick in mine – and when they do, I rarely give two shits what some other smartass thinks about it. So feel free to disregard my smart-assery forthwith, as it were.

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  9. Oh, Dave...I didn't think you were being smartassy, I was simply restating my perspective, but most assuredly was not annoyed with yours. And I understand it when you state that "religious mumbo-jumbo doesn't register with you" vis a vis politicians. The difference for me is when the mumbo-jumbo is presented as fact I bristle, nay, I protest! Oh, but I do go on!

    vallor: thank you for the link. I will now go out and attempt to eat metaphysical brains. The blind alleys and labyrinthine corridors of rarified philosophical thought make me suspect that my ground of being is made of doughnut holes. And then I start to think about coffee, which invariably leads me to thinking about Mormons and then my whole day is fucked.

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  10. Mr. mjs, Sir:

    I agree with both you and Counsellor von Ebers. I loves me some JESUS, I just don't believe he exists.

    I had missed the news about Mr. Obama going all jiggy with GOD. But then again I control my newsfeeds by not having no teevee and only going to commie or sportsbars.

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  11. Obama going all jiggy

    Congratulations for not succumbing to political correctness, oh brave Democommie! You know when the jig is up...

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  12. For the record: Obama didn't mention god in the statement I referenced, but he did declare something about real estate in a future reality. Can't wait for the Open House!

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  13. I heard Obama was a Muslin. Do they even have a God?

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  14. I think it’s worth remembering how far we’ve come since the nightmare that was the Bush administration:

    “During the Iraq war, however, the great difficulty veterans experienced in getting psychiatric care—greater than before—was not a product of cost-cutting, but of conviction: many Bush administration officials believed that soldiers who supported the war would not face psychological problems, and if they did, they would find comfort in faith. In a resigned tone, one prominent researcher who worked for the VA, and asked that he not be identified because he was not authorized to speak to the press, explained that high-ranking officials believed that ‘Jesus fixes everything.’ [Former Army Chaplain Roger] Benimoff and the others who returned with devastating psychological injuries found a faith-based bureau within the VA. At veterans’ hospitals, chaplains were conducting spirituality assessments of patients.”

    That, to me, is far scarier than anything Pres. Obama’s said or done. Obama may, as every president has done throughout history, play lip-service to religion; but those bastards used it as a substitute for everything – science, medicine, policy.

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  15. rough translation: He's entitled to a fair trial afore we hang his not-a-christian ass. Then we're a gonna send him straight to Hell.
    Actually, the part that sticks in my craw is we know that the killer will be met with justice--in this world when there is abundant evidence that justice has a negotiable price and an elusive definition.

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.