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Wednesday, November 04, 2009

The Real Merakin's Burden

Darren Rovell
CNBC Sports Business Reporter

Dear Mr. Rovell,

Thanks for pointing out that the winner of the Men's NYC Marathon was only "technically American," but it should have been obvious to most CNBC and Fox viewers, anyway. Just look at his name, "Meb Keflezigi." Real Merakins have names like Patrick Buchanan, Vito Fosella, and Otto Reich. It's even more obvious when you see him. He ain't even caucasian. Everyone knows the back of a Real Merakin's neck turns red in the sun.

But pointing out that he's only "technically American" isn't a solution to the problem of Real Merakins consistently getting their asses whipped in the Men's NYC Marathon.

I'm not sure there's a fix for that actually. It just may be that it's impossible to produce endurance runners whose diets consist of pork rinds, Frito pie, and Pabst Blue Ribbon. Perhaps, we need to set a more achievable goal, or, better yet, create events a Real Merakin could win.

Here are a few ideas:
  • The Pensacola Premature Ejaculation Sprint.
  • The Colorado Springs Road Rage 500.
  • The Brigham Young University Invitational Dry Hump.
  • The West Texas Lone Gunman Random Person Shoot.
  • The CNBC Wall Street Knee Drop.
  • The Heartland Dipolypmics (already established--see enclosed video).
Well, that's enough ideas for now. Let's see what you can do with them.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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  1. If Rovell has a problem with Meb Keflezigi, he must really hate Khalid Khannouchi, a naturalized American citizen originally from Morocco. In 1997, Khannouchi set a then-world record of 2:07:10 at the Chicago Marathon. Those damn liberorunnerfascists on the US Olympic Team were positively beside themselves when Khannouchi became an American citizen in 2000. Little did they now, being born elsewhere doesn’t count.

  2. He's technically an American... (pause) ...not that there's anything wrong with that...


  3. Solution to furriners kicking the legs outta Merkins: Have a "citizenship screen" mere centimetres from the finish line. (NOT Finnish!) By passing though this screen -- it could be one of those projected light thingies, maybe with the logo of a corporate sponsor -- the winner would automatically become a U.S. citizen -- technically. They would HAVE to consent to that -- it would be part of the fine print of their race application. And America would always be victorious! USA! USA! USA! We'll run you down, chump!

  4. General, Sir:

    I will remain silent on the subject of running, except to say that in my youth I would only run if I was being chased by aggressive darkish hoodlums or the PoLice. Now I will not run (can't actually) but, like a possum will roll over and feign death--complete with the stenchification process.

    I wasted far too many seconds--and not a few of my remaining brain cells watching a bit of that video. I want to thank you for subjecting yourself to the entire ten minutes + of its horror. I always wondered where the term "dipshit" came from--not anymore.

  5. None of these guys in the video appeared to be in the company of not-men. How can this be? I will have The Wife™ view this example of all that is good and strong about the 'Merkin male and perhaps she can explain to be how any not-man could resist their charm(s). Speaking of running, I once listened as a guy told me that he had not missed a single day of running over a five-year span. I noted that I found this to be interesting if not intriguing as I myself had once gone an entire five-year span without running a single day.

  6. Having exhausted 4 sets of batteries on my Brain-o-matic brain amplifier (I didn't spring for the AC adapter), I think I figgered out how to 'up' the quality of them real Merakins: let's move the North Pole to the Gulf of Mexico.

    What's the point? I can tell you all them Cletuses wont be sitting around slack-jawed an dipping when the weather turns cold enough to make their little soldiers disappear into the barracks. An their moms will get tired of them sitting around at home, spewing that black slop all over the kitchen floor.

    Let me tell you, they'll be visited by some serious 'un'freedoms once the not-men threaten to throw their sorry asses out!

    Just say'n...

  7. I would love to have an open door immigration policy implemented in America today, just like it was back when the white Europeans were immigrating here hundreds of years ago, especially so that I could watch Mr. Rovell's head explode.

  8. Sir,

    "The Brigham Young University Invitational Dry Hump"....
    made me spew out my pinch of Red man - Speaking of which, is the real Merkin.

  9. I think this time I have to say that Rovell may be able to learn a lesson from Australia.

    Think about it: Some piddly country which is largely desert with only 23 million people, who are largely drunk, yet per capita has more world champions that anywhere else. Why do you think that is? Most of the locals are bogans who can't run to the public bar. Do you think beer fuels them? The climate?
    No. We simply steal other people's champions.
    Normally, New Zealand is derided as 'quaint' with people with silly accents. However, if there is any talen in music or sport, they are suddenly adopted as 'Australian'. Same with the pacific islands, who breed the world's best door bouncers.
    Perhaps in America, where there are 300 million people, there may be a big pool of talent and Rovell is complacent. Perhaps he thinks that America can depend on locals in a competitive world. Let me tell you, Australia is tireless in it's global talent stealing and will not rest.
    Quite frankly, if Meb Keflezigi is that good, don't be surprised if one day when there is a particularly large contingent of Aussie 'tourists' that he suddenly disappears only to surface as an 'Australian' soon after.

  10. Darren Rovell is "technically" a douchebag.

  11. the rev. paperboy:

    Not just technically, I think.

  12. okay, got a chance to see the video once I got home to the decent 'puter...i know it's wrong to think this way, I know we have long chastized the right for their eliminationist rhetoric and the bullshit like "liberal hunting licences" but Jesus Q. Christmas on a moped, give me a rifle and put me within a hundred yards or so of those ridiculous wastes of protien and I would not be responsible for my actions. Someday, the world will be purged of the social menace of offensively brainless wanna-be frat boys and that day can't come soon enough for me. Some people you can educate, some you can't. In the words of Strother Martin "some men you just can't reach"

  13. Rev. paperboy:

    Awhile back I had suggested that the historic way to change an unthinking man's mind was to almost kill him.

    I didn't feel particularly comfortable saying as much, seeing how the General's blog is a political satire, but in my artless way I did so anyway.

    Bottom line: it will take serious trauma to get these amoebas to operate with the civility that Americans would like to see. I'd prefer to see a Christian/humanist solution (love your neighbour) over a violent one, but from a historic perspective, I suspect that it'll be a combination of the two.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.