Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

If you like the patriotic work we're doing, please consider donating a few dollars. We could use it. (if asked for my email, use "")

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

White Men With Guns Improving the Capitalist Brand

Steven Rowe
Senior Vice President
Northwest Dairy Association

Dear Mr. Rowe,

I see your Darigold dairy products every time I go shopping, but I seldom buy them. I'm not sure why that is, but I suspect it's because of the packaging. It's rather boring and uninviting. Far too staid and traditional to catch the eye.

You should consider a complete redesign--one that captures the essence of what the Northwest Dairy Association and Darigold are all about. You might look to one of your member dairies, Ruby Ridge Dairy Farm, for inspiration. They've created an exciting work environment there:
Romaldo Larios, one of the fired workers, told us that the dairy owner, Dick [Bengen], said "that we are assholes and dumb...He continued screaming, asking why I signed up for the union and the lawsuit...Dick mentioned that he carries a weapon in his truck and that he is going to kill every worker that gives him problems. On one occasion he mentioned that he broke the ribs of an employee and that he ended up in the hospital. All the employees know that he carries that weapon in his truck and in reality we are all scared to risk our lives because Dick will shoot us with his weapon."
All you need to do is package that excitement by placing it on your labels. Imagine milk cartons featuring photos of runaway workers or a cottage cheese lid depicting a cow-riding foreman shooting at a guy in a sombrero. Damn, that'd play well in places like Yakima. You'd sell out your products in no time.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Now for something completely different: I'll be posting my review of Gov. Palin's book as soon as Amazon allows it. Please watch for it here and give it your vote if the spirit moves you.

Back on topic: More capitalist-oriented fare.

Beat kids-Wall street!

zach | MySpace Video

Fall Fundraiser: Please give if you can.


  1. General, Sir:

    Perhaps if Mr. Bengen would learn a little spanish it would help. Than he would know that his workers are not saying he has a prick, but that he is one.

  2. Congrats! You've made the Globe and Mail:

  3. General, Sir:

    This is the essential problem with those weenie-assed "progressive, socialist" democracies: far too much co-operation, completely lacking in drama.

    Think of Dick 'Big Gun' Bengen on the big screen, brandishing his gatling gun as those perverted commie bastards milk cows. Ole Dick's helping out Hollywood! What could be more merkan?

  4. I hope the General's minions are not the ones voting down Rich Merrit's review.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.