Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

If you like the patriotic work we're doing, please consider donating a few dollars. We could use it. (if asked for my email, use "")

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Kids and their new-fangled text talking

I have no idea what these text messages mean.

From Utah:

(801): Just because I have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.

(801): My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv

From Washington DC

(202): On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
(703): It's the American dream

(202): I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.

(202): Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.

(202): So I think I might still secretly love him despite the ass licking...
(203): Hey ass licking is a very nice and intimate thing! Don't discredit your feelings
(202): But what if he licks everyones ass?

From Washington State

(509): ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!

(509): I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...

(509): I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.

(509): she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.

(509): went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.

Fall Fundraiser: Please give if you can.


  1. (212): I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.

    (201): As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel me that tape is going nowhere

    (773): omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...

    (904): i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school

    (571): the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.

    (401): I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.

    (716): People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire department!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz

    (404): you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is

    (352): my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.

    ***The preceding texts were brought to you by the lack of judgment that comes with too much vodka on a school night, and a really fun website.***

    Thanks, General for reminding us about Texts From Last Night.

    Will see everyone sometime this weekend at Sl for sure!

  2. Please, if drinking could give you an STD I'd have more diseases than someone who's famous and really, really promiscuous, and example of which will occur to me five minutes after I submit the comment.

  3. Then there’s F My Life, which has a similar, how shall I put it, sense of Weltschmerz. Examples? I’ll give you examples:

    “Today, my boyfriend and I went to the beach. I though he was being really sweet by putting sunscreen on my back as I layed [sic] on my stomach. I got home later, and felt that my back was sore. Then I saw the giant penis on my back that been burnt in. FML …

    “Today, I found out that when an officer screams, ‘DON'T MOVE OR I’LL TASE YOU’. It really means, ‘If you so much as flinch I’m going to shoot and 50,000 volts will be directed through your nose and groin.’ FML …

    “Today, I was making out with my girlfriend in my room. About two minutes into it, my cat walks in and jumps on the bed with us. Without hesitation, my girlfriend tells me to stop, rolls over, and starts petting my cat. FML …”

    Well, you get the idea.

  4. Then again, if you want to waste the entire rest of the day, there’s Passive-Aggressive Notes, a whole site dedicated to asininity in handwritten (or typed) form.

    Oh, you don’t think you’ll waste the entire rest of the day there? Really? Well, how’s this for openers. From an actual note posted yesterday (all punctuation in original):


    While taking things that belong to you, at any time of the year, is highly unacceptable, doing so during the Christmas season is far more disappointing. I mean, what if someone like you had stolen Baby Jesus? You would have ruined the whole holiday instead of just mine by taking my delicious Lean Cuisine’s (yes, plural). …

    And that’s just for openers. Wait’ll you read the one about the pubic hair in the shower. You will be trapped, I say, for the duration. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

  5. Are these some of the things coming out from those missing messages that were recently uncovered from the Great and Patriotic Cheney Administration? Because some things just need to stay erased...


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.