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Thursday, December 17, 2009

Leon Thompson Goes To Hell

I was very moved by this letter printed in the Kent [WA] Reporter, because, like the author, I, too, once died and went to Hell. As you will see below, our experiences are similar but not quite the same.

Leon writes (all the ellipses and misspellings are his):
In your Dec. 2 issue the letter “Reader responds to Metro bus ad” “Yes Virginia, there is no God” is their problem, and I say this because when I left the service I had intended to become a minister until I went to a religious university and the changed my mind ... after two years dropped.
I agree. The letter is their problem. I say this because I attended a tent revival after finishing a bottle of Scotch Buy brand gin. I left after 30 minutes.
I worked at Boeing and in 1958 came down with viral meningitis and three doctors at Seattle General Hospital gave me three hours to live, they all shook hands saying “good-bye,” left me along in a well guarded nurses care ... Watching the clock tick away I suddenly left my body...
I worked at the La-Z-Boy chair company. The guy who stuffed the cushions there gave me a little baggie full of mushrooms to put on my pizza. They must have been toad stools. I knew I was going to die (but the colors were great).
I died, went over life’s side in a second. I was given a full view of those suffering in “hell.” What I saw was worse than what I had seen in the Bible. There were sections filled differently with souls and shown their own sufferings in person.
It seemed rather pleasant at first. I wondered if I was in heaven. The walls were covered with black velvet paintings of Elvis, big eyed children praying, and NASCAR stock cars with little Christmas lightbulbs poking through the velvet where the headlights should be. And the music--oh, God, the music--Red Sovine songs played over and over.
With a guide, taken before seven Judges (beware the seventh Judge)
He's right. The seventh judge is a cruel bastard. He kept calling me "son." Said he had been my milkman, and then after asking about my mother, he winked. I remembered him. Son of a bitch never left any chocolate milk.
I had never consumed alcohol nor never smoked nor ever touched drugs nor broken the law, but shown my entire life in photos, they said I could go to “hell” and doors to Heaven were closed.
Yeah, it was all the whoring around that got me too. I didn't get photos. They showed me little booklets that looked like Chick tracts--my whole life illustrated in imitations of Chick drawings. That, my friend is what Hell is all about.
I learned the “Devil” was NOT like on Earth, he was seven feet high, blond hair but NO WINGS,
Right, no wings, but he was the spitting image of John Wayne. He spoke like him too, saying things like, "Come here, pilgrim, so i can sodomize you with this here pitchfork." Thinking back, I think he was the Duke.
Hell is half frozen for punishment, but the fire patch shown only to those who were criminals,
No, the "fire patch' was reserved for reality tv stars. Hell is fully programmed with reality shows with names like "Who Wants to Be a televangelist" "Sodomized by a Horned Demon," "Sing Along With Hitler" and, of course "Wife Swap." The frozen half is filled with those wanting to get on a reality tv show. The Salahi's snuck in while I was there.
I was refused entrance to hell so I dashed for Heaven to find doors closed and nothing like in the Bible, I was told it was not my time so I returned Seattle General Hospital no longer in pain, but what I saw I will never forget, Heaven is not like in the Bible, it is real beautiful, even hell is vastly different from the views in the Bible...
Yeah, Heaven is beautiful. There's a Chick-fil-A on every corner and astroturf carpet everywhere. It's absolutely breathtaking.
Yea, there is a God; However, I did not get to see HIM, and when I turned around to see who my “Guide” was, I got another shock. It was a young tank officer I had known in the service but had no idea he had recently died ...
I missed God too. My guide said he was busy fighting socialist healthcare, but I heard others say he had landed a spot on "Sing Along With Hitler" and was busy practicing the Rum Tum Tugger song from Cats.
Yes, I saw many I had known in life and they were all awaiting the “JUDGMENT” interview with the seven Judges. My return to the Seattle General Hospital was a “MIRACLE” the three doctors who had said good-bye to me found it a miracle, but no longer will I say there is no God because what I saw “OVER THERE” has given me a great deal to think about but I never question whether there is a God, or if hell freezes over, what I saw and experienced I will not forget.

Leon Thompson

Leon writes about inflation and socialism:
Coffee used to cost 10 cents a cup in Seattle but now a cup of coffee costs $1.75 a cup in many cafes ... The costs of gasoline used to be thirty-nine cents a gallon, but today it may cost over $3 a gallon.

Postage used to cost 3 cents a letter, but today it costs 44 cents a letter. Postcards used to cost 1 cent, but today they ask 17 cents a postcard to mail. Other grocery items have grown beyond reason, but our nation has begun overseas trade which increases prices while it also lays-off employees who need the jobs they are doing away with an “Hooverville” has become “tent cities” over all.


By paranormal practice he seem to know or understand things I never did, but his accuracy was fantastic. He did say there were things to correct this, but would not say what they were...This is only the beginning he would say, but Socialism was what he said caused it. I now wonder why he thought it.
Leon on his invisible roommates:
My apartment was haunted so I got it for half price because no one else would live in it for more than a couple of days," Thompson writes matter-of-factly.


I enjoyed those days living with my invisible roommate and his friends. I never had any problems with the ghosts, but I know they protected me from others.

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  1. Leon Thompson may be the John Kennedy Toole of the new century. I hope he's working on a novel.

  2. Sign that boy up as a guest blogger! Put him in Cline's place...

  3. Genral, Sir:

    For me it wasn't mushrooms what got me to see GOD. I was nursing a bad cold and a friend offered to treat it with some magical herbs that he rolled into a "spliff" and had me smoke (he smoked some too, so's I'd know it wasn't poison--in fact he smoked a LOT of it). While I was waiting for the therapewtik affect to kick in he said he was gonna take a shower.

    So, I was reading a comic book and then I noticed this baggy full of capsules on his table. I took a couple of them that looked like Contac. When he came out after his shower (he was dressed, we ain't pervs) I told him that I had helped myself to some of his cold medicine. He laughed and said it was "acid" whatever that is.

    Well, anyhow, I thought it was bad when my nose was running. That was nothing compared to what happened when my little soldier melted and my eyes popped out like they was on springs! That was one HELL of a cold, Sir!!

  4. This sure enough is a bizarre sight in the middle of all this shit.

    Tyrone 'Clean' Miller

  5. So you're saying that God will "Leap on your lap/in the middle of your sewing/for there's nothing he enjoys like a horrible muddle"?

  6. Uh, can I have what Leon's having?

    Make it a double!

  7. "Uh, can I have what Leon's having?

    Make it a double!"

    Sorry, MirrorMan; one skullfuck per customer. It's for your own good.

  8. Damn! Guess I'll have to go back to Drano shots...

  9. Leaon is a blasphemer! How dare he say that something not "like in the Bible". THAT's why he'll be going to Hell. Next thing you kow he'll tell us that Jesus was a brown person and was an apocalyptic Jew who believed that God's judgement would come in his immediate follower's lifetimes.
    Of course, that's ridiculous. We all know that Jesus was blond and blue eyed, and that Jesus said that the Kingdom wouldn't come until The Cars of NAS provide wholesome firey crashing entertaimment for the whole family.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.