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Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Mormon's Gubernatorial Run Could Result in Creation of Perfect Jello Salad

Rex Rammell
Candidate for Governor of Idaho

Dear Mr. Rammell,

I think it's wonderful you're excluding gentiles and women from your campaign events. It'll be great for the sisters. They can spend the time away from us exploring the use of various combinations of cottage cheese, shredded carrots, and green Jello to pursue their highest calling: perfecting Jello salad. Imagine it, a Jello salad so good, even the sons of perdition will scream, "Oh my heck!"

As for the Non-Mormons, they'd add nothing worthy to the discussion. I'm tired of them asking questions that make me feel silly and uncomfortable. How many times do I have to tell the story about how Uncle Lavere's sacred undergarments saved him* from being emasculated by a hay bailer before I finally find a gentile who doesn't shriek with laughter upon hearing it? It's best they're not there.

I can't wait for the rallies. It'll be just like General Priesthood Meeting, but without some ancient elder telling the 12 yr old deacons and 14 yr old teachers to think about worms when they're tempted to pound their rameumptoms. Hopefully, there'll be a lot of anointing with oil while we're denouncing homosexual acts, because sometimes garments don't offer all the protection against temptation one needs. I'll bring a couple of gallons just in case.

One last thing. Rexburg can be very cold this time of year. It's hard on car batteries. I don't want to buy jumper cables if I don't have to. Will the Three Nephites** be on hand to provide jump starts to those who need it?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Elsewhere: Rex Rammell, Master of Elk

*Stories about LDS underwear (garments) saving lives are common. Here are a few examples:
To this day, stories abound of Saints who have been miraculously saved from harm by the temple garment. Perhaps the most famous example comes from a 1996 feature on Mormons for 60 Minutes, in which hotel magnate Willard Marriott told Mike Wallace of a boat fire that had consumed his pants yet left him unscathed above the knee, where his garment was. As a missionary, I read a typescript account about an elder from that same mission who had been the victim of a drive-by shooting a year before (during the 1990 Gulf War): according to his mother's account, bullets shredded his shirt without piercing his garments, while the only wound he received was from a bullet that hit him below the knee.
**The Three Nephites met Jesus when he came to America after his crucifixion. He took a liking to them and gave them eternal life. Now, they wander the earth providing emergency auto care for the faithful.

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  1. There's Wacky, and then there's Mormon Wacky. That's just the way it is.


  2. I love these Mormon stories. It makes being Catholic seem so much more normal.

  3. Having been raised a Mormon and being a descendent of one of the pioneers of the faith (okay, his brother David), let me give you THE secret ultimate jello salad recipe: two cans of Libbey or Del Monte sectioned grapefruit slices(completely drained of all liquid) in extra firm green jello. The extra firmness is due to just a teensy bit less water used than directed.

    There you have it! This has been a cherished secret handed down directly from the women folk of SLC's most sacred ward, and now it is yours.
    Use it wisely.

  4. Dad-burned Mormons and their cultural thievery! I am not a Mormon. I was raised as a Anglican in Southern Ontario, which meant I only saw the inside of Church when someone got married or died or maybe at Christmas if Grandma was visiting. Jello salad is the food of my people and I will hear none of your pagan stories about sectioned grapefruit or other Satanic revisionism. There are only three kinds of Jello salad - all others are the work of heretics.
    Those three are:
    Orange Jello with grated carrot
    Lime Jello with cream cheese
    Red Jello with fruit cocktail

    Some WASP splinter sects claim that orange jello with tinned mandarin orange or even tinned sliced peaches are acceptable in the eyes of He who is called Him, but those people are just trying to tempt true believers into the wicked ways of multiculturalism and pollute our precious bodily fluids.

  5. What won't Mormons believe next?

  6. Completely off topic, but Happy Festivus to you and yours.

  7. I question the wisdom of allowing arranged marriages but disallowing gay ones.

  8. Thomas: Good point. What if somebody tries to arrange a gay marriage for you, and you’re straight. Or vice versa. Massive confusion ensues.

  9. Lime Jell-O with cream cheese? How alienly exotic! My mother (confirmed pre-Church-of-Christ-annexation Congregationalist; Eastern Star) would have thought that was from either the East or West Coast, both too decadent to matter to anyone in central Illinois. She used only cottage cheese in her lime Jell-O salad. Sometimes she added canned green grapes, but those were easy to fish out and hide somewhere on my plate.

  10. I can't stop thinking about drunken blonde college girls in bikinis (at least they'd be in 'em when they get started!) rasslin' in a vat of that fancy Jello. (Which is always referred to a "jelly" in Australia. If you ask for jelly with your toast, they look at you funny. The word for that substance is "jam".)

    It's a good thing I'm not wearing Magic Mormoon Undies, or they'd be getting tight right now.

    Wait! I just imagined some frat boy dumping a writhing bucket of dirt-crusted fishing worms into the fancy Jello. Impure thoughts are subsiding now...

  11. Bukko, them ’Stralians need to learn howda talk American.

  12. General, Sir:

    Those SLC Morlochs are way behind the curve. Defensive underwear? Fuck that noise; my undies have been offensive for lo these many years. I throwed some out under the porch one day--the skunks decamped--with alacrity, Sir! I can't take full credit for the discovery, Sir. It's just that living in a place with no washer and dryer (or tub or kitchen sink--crapper, though, I got me oneathem!) you just get kinda used to changing your dainty garments a bit less often. I do have 12 pair of underoos, some in pretty shocking cuts and colors--the gold colored ones look sorta like a slingshot--one for each month. If'n somebody was to want to shoot me, Sir, they'd have to get a sniper rifle. If they was close enough to shoot me over open sights they'd be tearin' up somethin' awful.

    Wadeaminnit. I think this is what my Dr. friend (the one with the great drugs) means when he says I "oversell" my listeners. Nevermind.

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.