Candidate for Governor of Idaho
Dear Mr. Rammell,
I think it's wonderful you're excluding gentiles and women from your campaign events. It'll be great for the sisters. They can spend the time away from us exploring the use of various combinations of cottage cheese, shredded carrots, and green Jello to pursue their highest calling: perfecting Jello salad. Imagine it, a Jello salad so good, even the sons of perdition will scream, "Oh my heck!"
As for the Non-Mormons, they'd add nothing worthy to the discussion. I'm tired of them asking questions that make me feel silly and uncomfortable. How many times do I have to tell the story about how Uncle Lavere's sacred undergarments saved him* from being emasculated by a hay bailer before I finally find a gentile who doesn't shriek with laughter upon hearing it? It's best they're not there.
I can't wait for the rallies. It'll be just like General Priesthood Meeting, but without some ancient elder telling the 12 yr old deacons and 14 yr old teachers to think about worms when they're tempted to pound their rameumptoms. Hopefully, there'll be a lot of anointing with oil while we're denouncing homosexual acts, because sometimes garments don't offer all the protection against temptation one needs. I'll bring a couple of gallons just in case.
One last thing. Rexburg can be very cold this time of year. It's hard on car batteries. I don't want to buy jumper cables if I don't have to. Will the Three Nephites** be on hand to provide jump starts to those who need it?
Heterosexually yours,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
Elsewhere: Rex Rammell, Master of Elk
*Stories about LDS underwear (garments) saving lives are common. Here are a few examples:
To this day, stories abound of Saints who have been miraculously saved from harm by the temple garment. Perhaps the most famous example comes from a 1996 feature on Mormons for 60 Minutes, in which hotel magnate Willard Marriott told Mike Wallace of a boat fire that had consumed his pants yet left him unscathed above the knee, where his garment was. As a missionary, I read a typescript account about an elder from that same mission who had been the victim of a drive-by shooting a year before (during the 1990 Gulf War): according to his mother's account, bullets shredded his shirt without piercing his garments, while the only wound he received was from a bullet that hit him below the knee.**The Three Nephites met Jesus when he came to America after his crucifixion. He took a liking to them and gave them eternal life. Now, they wander the earth providing emergency auto care for the faithful.
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