The Opinuary Column

The Opinion "There continue to be very logical, credible reasons for poor and working class Americans to vote Republican" has died for the billionth time, setting a new record for jaw-dropping stupidity on an epic scale.

The Opinion was born and raised just about everywhere, but ulitmately grew up living a quiet, dignified life in Real America, voting against its economic interests, against increases in civil rights for all Americans, against clean air and clean water. It voted against transparency in government if such transparency should reveal anything that showed Republicans in a bad light, and for an end to women having sovereignty over their own bodies. In order to keep the government out of its life it voted for restrictions of its civil liberties, and followed that with a gun-buying spree when a mixed-race man became president of the United States. It panicked when it thought government might become involved in Medicare, and nearly came unglued when federal judges conspired to continue to allow Americans the right to face their accusers in a court of law. It was of some comfort to the Opinion when it learned that the Supreme Court of the United States handed the keys to our democracy to corporations, but was still confused about the impact of foreign investors calling the shots in congress. Attempting to think about this subject made it tired, however, and it let the matter drop.

It's last years spent in a self-induced, bleary-eyed haze, it sought solace by reaffirming its belief that a World Savior known as the Prince of Peace would descend to earth from a floating, bliss-filled after-life and kill everyone that thought differently than they did. It was a warm fuzzy for the dumbest people known to humanity.

Afraid of the evils of socialism, the Opinion cashed its Social Security checks, went to the Post Office, tipped its cap to the police and to the brave men and women who fought their wars, who staffed their fire departments, who taught in their schools, who ran their government. When told that the present administration had instituted tax cuts for the ninety-five percent of Americans who aren't wealthy it became very nervous and angry. "Socialism will never darken our door!" cried the Opinion, until the day came when it couldn't open its door anymore and it died because it didn't think to open up the ground floor window in the living room--it died of starvation and dehydration and alienation and stupefaction and the list just goes on and on and on. A county coroner listed the official cause of death as "Everything."

This past weekend, a service for the late Opinion was held at an undisclosed location, for fear that a bunch of stupid people would show up and want free food and beer. In lieu of flowers the family of the deceased asks that you don't think too hard or too long on this subject, and if it isn't too much trouble to please vote against your economic interests this coming fall. They'll be glad you did.

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The Opinuary Column appears most Fridays at Jesus' General.

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