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Friday, January 29, 2010

The Opinuary Column

The Opinion "There continue to be very logical, credible reasons for poor and working class Americans to vote Republican" has died for the billionth time, setting a new record for jaw-dropping stupidity on an epic scale.

The Opinion was born and raised just about everywhere, but ulitmately grew up living a quiet, dignified life in Real America, voting against its economic interests, against increases in civil rights for all Americans, against clean air and clean water. It voted against transparency in government if such transparency should reveal anything that showed Republicans in a bad light, and for an end to women having sovereignty over their own bodies. In order to keep the government out of its life it voted for restrictions of its civil liberties, and followed that with a gun-buying spree when a mixed-race man became president of the United States. It panicked when it thought government might become involved in Medicare, and nearly came unglued when federal judges conspired to continue to allow Americans the right to face their accusers in a court of law. It was of some comfort to the Opinion when it learned that the Supreme Court of the United States handed the keys to our democracy to corporations, but was still confused about the impact of foreign investors calling the shots in congress. Attempting to think about this subject made it tired, however, and it let the matter drop.

It's last years spent in a self-induced, bleary-eyed haze, it sought solace by reaffirming its belief that a World Savior known as the Prince of Peace would descend to earth from a floating, bliss-filled after-life and kill everyone that thought differently than they did. It was a warm fuzzy for the dumbest people known to humanity.

Afraid of the evils of socialism, the Opinion cashed its Social Security checks, went to the Post Office, tipped its cap to the police and to the brave men and women who fought their wars, who staffed their fire departments, who taught in their schools, who ran their government. When told that the present administration had instituted tax cuts for the ninety-five percent of Americans who aren't wealthy it became very nervous and angry. "Socialism will never darken our door!" cried the Opinion, until the day came when it couldn't open its door anymore and it died because it didn't think to open up the ground floor window in the living room--it died of starvation and dehydration and alienation and stupefaction and the list just goes on and on and on. A county coroner listed the official cause of death as "Everything."

This past weekend, a service for the late Opinion was held at an undisclosed location, for fear that a bunch of stupid people would show up and want free food and beer. In lieu of flowers the family of the deceased asks that you don't think too hard or too long on this subject, and if it isn't too much trouble to please vote against your economic interests this coming fall. They'll be glad you did.


The Opinuary Column appears most Fridays at Jesus' General.



  1. Too bad the opinion 'Voting Republican is cool' didn't die with it.

  2. I was hoping that the Opinuary would be something about the death of "bipartisanship" as shown by a certain faction's disgraceful performances at the State of the Unification speech.

    How can the States hope to stay United when someone like that strutting, preening Pretendisent disrespects the Republicans by flaunting his alleged Congressional majority, and blaming THEM for the economic problems that are occurring NOW, just because their man was in power for most of the previous decade? At least Osama didn't mention President Bush by name when it came to talking about the wars that America somehow finds itself in -- his one concession to comity.

    But he was so MEAN to the Supremo KKKourt Justicials sitting right in front of him that it's a wonder they kept their mouths shut (even if some of their lips moved.) And the NERVE of those snotty Demoncrats, standing up and cheering all the time like it was a football game, while the sainted Republicans had the decency to sit still and silent and stone-faced, as such a solemn occasion requires.

    Yes. bipartisanship is dead, and those intransigent Death Panel Dems are holding the bloody abortion coathanger that euthanized it.

  3. How dare you try and explain a policy to the voters! The nerve!


  4. And today this obstreperous young buck goes and does it again! Blasts his big-eared self through the boundaries of bipartisanship. Crashes a private Republican clanvokkkation with a buncha TV cameras like he was half of that Salivey couple -- what cheek! There's 140 Republicans, and Osama thinks he can waltz in and face down that many all by himself.

    Disrupts the proceedings by giving them lip when they ask polite questions about how Obama bankrupted the country and made all those people lose their jobs since he took office last November. To their credit, the Republicans did not hoot and holler and shout him down like they were Teabaggers -- not THIS TIME, at least. They didn't even start beating their forks and knives on their plates like it was a prison riot.

    But remember, while you're pretending to be Julius Ceaser lording it over the Roman Senate (has any other patriot called Obama "Ceaser" yet? Oh please tell me I'm the first!) how the original Senators used their knives. Keep up the funny un-bipartisan business and one day you may be gasping "Et tu, Boner?"

  5. mjs,
    the bases were loaded,
    up by one run in the bottom of the ninth..
    and these people still think obama was called in from the nose bleed seats to pitch.
    he said, " michael jackson was the greatest entertainer to ever live".

    ( and i love the shiny happy people tag )

  6. ... that guy off the short bus is back again ...


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.