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Thursday, January 07, 2010

A Teabagger Stimulus

It's no secret Teabagger-Americans like myself are very angry about the stimulus spending. Why shouldn't we be pissed off? We're not stupid. We look around and see all this money being spent on socialist work programs like roads, water treatment plants, and other infrastructure but nothing for churches, rifle ranges, monster truck rallies or any of the other things we hold dear.

It's time we demand that Congress give us our due, and I've come up with a plan for how to spend that money. I want Congress to fund the construction of giant step pyramids--like the kinds the Mexicans have--to honor and celebrate our most cherished values.

My plan calls for four pyramids surrounding a plaza where our most honored corporations and industry groups can sponsor protests against government regulation.

The Temple of Torture

Torture's become more than a politically expedient way to manufacture evidence to support our imperial economic destiny. It's our sacred ritual of cruelty by proxy. By constantly demanding that it be employed, we transform ourselves into that higher being we call "the serious person." The Temple of Torture will provide us with the kind of majestic setting that befits such an important ritual.

The Citadel of Marriage Defense

The building atop the eastern pyramid will be split into two rooms. The larger room, The Limbaugh Center For The Holy Covenant of Marriage, will be a one stop wedding center where a man can marry a woman and hold the reception all in the same room. The smaller room, The Giuliani Center For Marriage Preparation will house a lawyer and a judge who will perform divorces for those waiting in line to be wed.

Although the C Street Pre-Repentance Room will be hidden deep inside the pyramid, it will be easily accessed via an elevator from the wedding room. Grooms and bridesmaids will have no trouble finding it should they desire a little together time. A close look at the southern wall will reveal the fold-down Vitter Altar of Compensated Diapering for those who require it.

The Temple of the Holy War

The largest internet cafe ever built will sit atop the southern most pyramid. Here, patriots can serve their country by flaming liberals and twittering their demands to bomb godless countries like Iran, Venezuela, and San Francisco.

The Incredible Whiteness of Being

The western pyramid will be crowned by a Cracker Barrel Restaurant. It'll be a comfortable place where people won't have to worry whether the word "Negro" is more proper than "Afro-American" or if they should laugh when someone shows up in blackface. Entertainment will feature a new, live version of Hee Haw starring Jeff Sessions, Bill O'Reilly, and the best performers from Branson, Mo.

Astroturf Plaza

Astroturft Plaza is a temporary name for the circular area in the middle of the pyramids. It will be available to corporations and industry groups who may rename it for the period of their lease (The NRA Armed Revolt Mustering Area might be an example of such a renaming). The plaza will be a full service venue supplying every astroturf need from protesters with crudely drawn signs to live Fox News feeds.

The Well of Our Darkest Fears

Visitors who look down the well will see a set of monitors running the latest Fox News Special Reports, including such classics as "There are Mexicans at the Home Depot," "Oh My God, There's a Muslim at the Salad Bar" and "They're Enjoying Sex!" For an extra fee, Astroturf Plaza renters may dictate their own programming.

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  1. Why, that's positively inspired. Orwell himself couldn't have come up with anything better.

  2. ...a new, live version of Hee Haw starring Jeff Sessions, Bill O'Reilly, and the best performers from Branson, Mo.

    Seeing Yakoff Smirnoff doing a hambone would certainly be something to see.

  3. What Bill O'Reilly would do with a hambone is best left between him and his personal assistant.

  4. Sir, you have laid out the blueprint, and it is grand! You've left enough room for the Food Carts: O'Reilly's Vibrating Falafels, Goldberg's Bloodygood Chickenhawk Wings, Orly Taitz's After-Birther Chili Fries & Glenn Beck's Crocodile Tears Pretzel Logic. I know the young ones will relish the E-coli Cola Cart.

    You have envisioned Heaven on Earth. It is up to us to make sure we can get beer and shots there. And I know everyone will be encouraged to bring at least two or three guns!


  5. Hosannah! I confess that I once doubted whether your posts were truly Divinely inspired. No more.

  6. General, Sir,

    I too, can recognize true inspiration when I see it. I do have some questions however.

    Are these pyramids to be of the garden variety mezzo-American design (you know; old, crumbly looking with bats and monkeys about), or in the true Merkan vein as authored by Las Vegas hotel designers?

    I feel that if this homage to the Pride of Conservative America (a candidate for the name, maybe?) is to display those things that real Merkans hold dear, no promotional opportunity should be missed, just so the rest of the world will know where the closest place to Heaven on earth is.


  7. Where will you build the huge Lego tower for us to reenact the crashing of the planes in the WTC? I look forward to playing the role of President Bush, as I climb atop the Lego rubble, with 2,000+ little Lego people beneath my feet, bull horn in hand, to promise America the impending death of Osama Bin Laden.

    They just don't make presidents like that anymore.

  8. General Sir,
    Could you please direct me to the water fount of bliss supported by oxen?
    In deference to JoeVisionary, make that the
    "Energy Solutions water fount of Bliss".

  9. My only question, General, is, will there be free Cheetos™ in the Temple of the Holy War, or will you have to buy your Cheetos™ out of a vending machine?

  10. Dave von Ebers,

    Rest assured that the freebies for promotional purposes you will be able to count on one hand (ie 3 cheese doodles MAX).

    For that matter, you'll even be able to buy air in the vending machine, complete with a small stars-and-stripes and Proudly made in America logo to ensure us of the high quality...

  11. Of course, times of national crisis is when things will get really fun. To placate the Conservative Gods, we'll cut out liberal hearts and fling their bodies down the steps of the Temple of Holy War. I feel a song coming on.

  12. Pyramids are slightly suggestive of Paganism. I would play it safe and hire Wal-Mart's architects. I'm sure the price is right.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.