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Wednesday, January 06, 2010

GOBs O' Fun

Andy Seré
National Republican Campaign Committee

Dear Mr. Seré,

Campaigns in Tennessee are easier when one of the Fords are running. All the Republicans need to do is point out that the Ford kid wants to deflower our white women, and the voters will line up for any white guy the GOP puts up. That's the way it worked in the Ford/Corker race. Hints that Harold Ford liked white women was all it took to put a scandal-ridden mayor into the Senate.

Unfortunately, you don't have a Ford in the 8th Congressional District. The Democrats put up a white guy, Roy Herron. That means you've had to tailor your strategy a little by suggesting he's just as bad as the brown.

It looks like you ruled out calling him a Muslim. That's probably a good idea. Herron is a Christian minister. It'd be hard to convince folks he's a secret Muslim. Instead, you're hinting that he's another kind of other, the gay.

It's a strategy that'll probably work, but it may also back-fire on you. John Aravosis, a man whose commitment to the heterosexual lifestyle is somewhat suspect, is begining to wonder if you're some king of homosexualist kapo, a self-hating closet-case who destroys his own kind in exchange for a few pieces of silver.

He points to a post you made on Facebook about a "GOB party" you attended and notes that "GOB" is part of the gay lingo:
It caught my eye since "gob," among other things, is gay slang for oral sex, and for young gay sailors (and, an even odder coincidence, the party was for a military friend coming back to the states).
But, of course, "GOB" could also be an acronym for "good old boys." And there's nothing wrong with a party where good old boys get together for an old fashioned all-male naked barbecue--at least that's what I think this photo from your Facebook site depicts.

Yes, barbecues can be messy as hell. Pork and sauce flying everywhere like boy butter at one of those Patrick McHenry Retreats For Young Strapping Hetero Republican Lads. Who can blame these guys for going the bare-assed bbq rout?

And who the heck cares if there might have been some of that oral action going on as long as it wasn't sexual. Putting your little soldier in another man's mouth is like doing one of those rope courses. It builds trust. It builds unit cohesion. It's the way true warriors bond with each other. Ask Lindsey Graham. He's in the reserves.

There are more photos of the party at Americablog, but they're pretty much the same: just shirtless guys bonding with each other. It looks like a lot of fun. I can see why you enjoyed it.

I hope you don't ignore Aravosis. You need to respond and explain the way of the warrior so people understand.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

P.s. I don't care if your last name looks French. Real warriors understand that the little thing above the "e" signals that you're erect and ready for combat. It makes us all tingly inside when we look at it.

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  1. I would never barbecue nudecue. Images of burnt weiners come to mind...

  2. I was thinking that they should have been wearing matching aprons that have an arrow pointing sideways and the text 'I'm with peckerhead.'

  3. The phrase "pork butt" does spring to mind.

  4. There is a popular apron that says "Kiss the Cook." And with a small alteration...

  5. General, Sir:

    I've had to wear a "johnny" on more ocassions than I care to catalogue or even think about. But those aprons? They make the johnny look like a burqa. AND, they have the guys' names on them? Now, I got me some aprons, mostly heavy duty rubber affairs (hey, when your test kitchen is busy working out the kinks for the recipes in "Al Fresco Dining With The Donner Party--The Other White Meat"--you want to have a good, sturdy apron!) but not a one of 'em has my name on it. For fuck'sake, wtf are those fucking fuckers up to?

  6. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  7. It is really intimidating to have to follow the Today News Updater Spammer. How can I come up with something wittier? Or in better broken English?

    OTOH, perhaps we could get Mr Today News Update to link his news to the GOB Straight Not Gay Republicans in the 'Personals' Section of his news. Think of it, it might completely break open the possibilities of the GOB's to meet and mingle with people around the world who have so much in common. Right now, Thailand comes to mind, but there has to be so much more...

  8. Andy is not gay the way that Elton John is not gay. Oh wait...

  9. Hysterical. Just hysterical post. (besides true!)

  10. Hmmmm . . .

    Have any of these healthy heterosexual young men [other than the guest of honor at the event], especially RNCC Spokesman Andy Sere [with accent] considered volunteering for military service?

    Be A Man! Enlist!

    Operation Yellow Elephant


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.