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Friday, March 26, 2010
The Opinuary Column
Posted by mjs
The Opinion "The story of Jesus causing a deaf man to hear was intended to display his power and his godliness among Christians" has died. In truth, the New Testament tale was intended as a way to lure deaf boys into the pedophilic embraces of a Catholic priest in Wisconsin, though deaf and non-deaf prey have also been violated at too many other parishes to count. The Opinion leaves no known survivors.
It is believed that Jesus did not put a stop to Reverend Lawrence Murphy's physical and spiritual transgressions against hearing-impaired adolescent boys because of the non-disclosure clause that contractually bound him to not lift a finger in defense of the victims. Uncontrollable lust is fairly common in a fair number of sexually suppressed clerics, who because of their priestly vows abstain from adult relationships and instead fuck children. Deaf boys are a particularly good subject for the warped glandular longings of God's shepherds due to the hapless lads being scuttled off to mope at the margins of society anyway, the better to pick them off with impunity. One may long for the halcyon fields of heaven and bliss everlasting, but first check out what's under this frock is the bouncy catechism that has charmed the pants off of many a silent lad.
As the Opinion grew older it did receive some help from Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, who would one day become the first Vampire Pope. Upon being told of the unsavory activities of Reverend Murphy then Cardinal Ratzinger placed his hands over his ears as his long, claw-like fingernails penetrated deeply into his skull and his eyes tumbled far back in his head, even as an eerie plume of brackish smoke snaked its way across his lolling tongue and rose menacingly into the air. Asked about this strange episode (he was also asked about the large pile of bat guano directly beneath his gown) the head of the Catholic Church claimed he had been playing an intense game of charades with the Holy Spirit. And the good news was he won!
In lieu of flowers, the Vatican asks that you consider just forgetting about the whole thing. And don't forget to drop by your local Catholic Church and confess your sins: you don't want God mad at you, do you?
The Opinuary Column appears most Fridays at Jesus' General.