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Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Jesus ain't no cross-dressing hippy!

Pastor Steven L Anderson mans up for Jesus:
Many people today have the idea that Jesus Christ while he was on this earth had long hair and wore clothing that looked like a dress. The reason for this is that many people derive what they believe from artwork or the opinions of so-called “theologians” and “scholars” instead of getting their information directly from the Bible itself.

...it is a shame and dishonor to Christ for a man to have long hair. There is no place in the Bible that even insinuates that Jesus had long hair. Sodomite homosexuals such as Michelangelo painted Jesus to look effeminate and to have long hair in order to make him fit their own queer image.
Pastor Anderson continues:
These same type of paintings have also given people the idea that “Jesus did not wear pants.” Some have even made utterly ridiculous and bizarre statements such as, “pants had not been invented yet,” or “they didn’t have pants back then.” According to these “scholars,” the men of the past who built the pyramids and Stonehenge just hadn’t thought of pants yet!

What I believe is based upon the Bible, not “historical evidence,” but the historical record also proves that men in the ancient Middle East wore pants. For example, at the famous battle of Thermopylae (480BC), every historian reports that the Persian (Iranian) soldiers were wearing pants down to their ankles, while the homosexual, perverted Spartans were wearing short skirts or even less!
I'd rather think our Spartan forefathers wore a warrior's kilt. There's nothing wrong with that, and dammit, I don't give a damn what Sgt Cletus says, there's nothing wrong with a general wearing a little flowered mini-kilt around his compound either. It provides the ol' grenades with a little ventilation on a hot day. Cletus is a damned liar, anyway. Don't believe a word he says. And damn it, it was Crisco and a watermelon, no goddamn cantaloupes were involved. Never watch "Red Dawn" and "24" back to back. And I was drunk, anyway, dammit!

Uhhhh, OK, uhhhh, anyway, I think Pastor Anderson goes out on a limb a little bit here:
Obviously John was not referring to a tattoo he was seeing on Jesus’ naked thigh since Jesus was clothed from head to foot according to Revelation 1:13. He had his name written upon the clothing on his thigh, just as he had his name written upon his coat. When wearing a dress or a “tunic” the thigh is not delineated. Clothing that is worn on each “thigh” is referred to as a pair of pants. Therefore it is apparent that Jesus was wearing pants as he rode in on a white horse to defeat the Antichrist. Apparently “scholars” would have us believe that Jesus was riding to battle on a horse in a dress.
Although I agree that Jesus couldn't have worn a long dress or a gown in John's revelation--he'd have to have ridden sidesaddle, and you can't fight the Antichrist while looking like Dale Evans--our Savior could have been wearing a warriorly mini-kilt. That'd expose His immaculate thigh.

And maybe His name wasn't actually tattooed there. Once, when Cletus was passed out, we took a sharpie and wrote "very, very, tiny Cletus" on his thigh and then drew an arrow pointing up to his little soldier. Maybe, the apostles did the same to Jesus after one of those big water to wine parties. Who knows, they might have even been watching a live version of something like "Red Dawn" or "24."

16 comments:

  1. Methinks Pastor Anderson doth ruminate upon homosexuality a fair part past the ordinary interest. Methinks he is a spooge fiend, and shouldst be made to parade about the city in aught but loin cloth and scarf. Oh, and he should sing show tunes. And dance a bit. He mayest not wear denim but chaps would be just fine.

    Well, that's it for me. Time for Mr. Scrunchy Face's baby oil massage party. But this time the beer bong is not allowed in the Cave of Shame. Probably not allowed.

    ++++

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  3. Next they'll say He looked like a Jew.

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  4. General, Sir:

    Is there a problem of some kind with JESUS wearing both a robe and some CK's (with a mini-kilt underneath of them)? It works just great for m--, um, I mean, it seems that it would be okay.

    BTW, Sir, I've got a couplea Heathenwood executicks interested in doing a movie that combines all of the best features of a bunchothem manly adventure films. We're gonna call it, "The 300 Red Dawns at the 7-11/24/7.". To that end I've been asked to do a rough script and I'll need to put a few things on the corporate account--pencils, paper, Monster energy drink (the Jagermeister flavored one) some unsleep aids, a couple of stenographers and a hot tub (ofJoshua is still pissed off at me for the last time I used the one in your quarters). Oh, yeah, I'll need to lease a Gulfstream for the research trips to Lost Wages, unless, of course, you give me back MY fucking keys to the Learjet. Sorry, Sir, but it's not MY fault that the hangar burned down while we were using the jet exhaust to cook some brats for the troops. That place was a goddamned firetrap anyway, what with all the ketone and ether that's stored in that room that nobody but me AND you even knew about.

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  5. Here's the deal. He's Jesus. He can wear whatever he wants. If Jesus wants to wear pants, He can wear pants, even if they weren't invented, because He's Jesus!

    And if he wants to wear a dress, heels, and a bra and hang out at the lumber camp, then by Golly, that automatically makes it not only ok, but manly in the extreme - because He's Jesus. If Jesus does it, that makes it manly and that makes it ok. I wish Pastor Anderson could understand this, but I think his faith is weak. That's why he fire alarm business has gone bankrupt.

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  6. Everybody knows Jesus wore camo, smoked Marlboros and drove an F150 with an axe handle resting ever so gently in the gun rack, just in case the apostles got jumped.

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  7. Why does Pastor Anderson's church look like it's in a strip mall?

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  8. Sayeth the Battlin' Pastor: "He had his name written upon the clothing on his thigh, just as he had his name written upon his coat."

    So Jeebus was the First Designer with His own logo?!? Now that's jest gay! (Forgive me, Lord, I don't mean "gay" in a sexual way, just in a Gianni Versace fashion designing way.)

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  9. Whilst Pastor Anderson only has 2 sources of truth: the Bible and the movie 300, I've looked into the book of the devil; Wikipedia.

    Devilpedia says Judaism only really fully formed in the Hellenistic period (see? Hell! I told you!). The battle of Thermopylae was just prior. What Pastor Anderson is saying is that pants were around not only in Jesus' time, but *before God's time!* So why would Jesus wear a dress?

    In fact, whilst the Bible NOR 300 actually says it, I know that Jesus wore quite a nice tailored pair of pin-stripe paints with double pleats. His hair was short and slicked with Grecian Formula AD and he had a bowler hat to protect him from the sun.

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  10. I think pastor Anderson is ramping up the crazy to try and break into the big time media. Maybe a talk radio show or something on Fox News? He won't be in that strip mall for long!

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  11. I've got just two words for Pastor Steven Anderson: PROVE IT!

    "It is a shame and dishonor to Christ for a man to have long hair," he says, That's a crock of pure, unadulterated bull manure! Tell that to Samson, whose long hair was the source of his great physical strength. And I dare him -- I double-dog dare him -- to call Ted Nugent a "sissy" for wearing his hair long.

    Since Pastor Anderson is relying on the Bible, then perhaps he can explain the fact that:

    1) there is NO RECORD in the Bible of what Jesus actually looked like. Whether he had long hair or not is really irrelevant. What IS clear is that Jesus -- a native of the Middle East -- wasn't a light-skinned Caucasian, as the classic images of Jesus (all drawn by Europeans and those of European descent) depict him as. Who knows? Jesus could have looked more like me (and I resemble the late funk singer Rick James)!

    2) there is NO RECORD in the Bible that Jesus ever had a wife -- or for that matter, ANY woman in his life other than his mother, Mary and the former prostitute, Mary Magdaline,

    3) there is NO RECORD in the Bible that ANY of Jesus ' disciples were women,

    4) there is NO RECORD in the Bible that Jesus ever said anything about homosexuality AT ALL, much less condemn it (Indeed, the very word "homosexual" did not even exist in Jesus' day),

    5) there IS RECORD in the Bible of Jesus' warning against judging people (Matthew 7:1-5),

    6) there IS RECORD of Jesus warning against self-righteousness (Matthew 23:25-28, Luke 13:22-30).

    Pastor Anderson, if you're a true believer in Jesus based on the biblical record, then you should take heed of Jesus' warning in Matthew 7:1-5 and Matthew 23:25-28 and STOP MAKING HATEFUL PRONOUNCEMENTS about entire classes of people you don't like, simply because of who they are. It's not only un-Christian, it's anti-Christian.

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  12. Homosexual, perverted Spartans, Paster Anderson? These sir, are fighting words. You couldn't even get into Michigan State, sir. So fuck you. Also.

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  13. Good old Pastor Anderson, he never ever disappoints.

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  14. I'm lookin' forward to the holy sight of "BUZZ-CUT CHRIST"!

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  15. Jesus wore $1500 Armani suits just like his servant Columbus' own Pastor Rod Parsley.

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  16. Actually, there is strong evidence that Jesus, like his cousin John (the Baptist) probably adhered to the vows of a Nazirite. Those would be the same vows taken on by Samson in the Old Testiment.

    You remember Samson, he's the one who lost his physical strength when he allowed Deliliah to cut off his hair.

    So it would seem to me that according to the Bible only a wuss who lets a woman push him around cuts his hair off.

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.