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Monday, July 12, 2010

Pastor Anderson Goes Pro

It's hard being a part-time preacher in today's wicked secular culture. A pastor calls for the death of the President and the execution of homosexualists or rebukes the men in his flock for blaspheming God by urinating from a sitting position and the next thing you know, Keith Olbermann is calling him a psychopath. Before long, demonic tolerance mobs frighten his church into schism and send his fire alarm clients fleeing into the arms of the sit-pissing competition.

According to an email I received from Pastor Steven L Anderson, that's what happened to him:
Unfortunately, my fire alarm business has taken another huge hit because of my preaching. In the midst of persecution last September, our largest customer canceled all of our contracts, and I had to lay off all of my employees. Now, my other large customer that was keeping the company afloat has apparently decided to stop doing business with me because they found out "who I am."

Maybe this is God showing me that it is time to go full time as pastor since I keep losing business due to my preaching and all of the media/internet attacks on our church. I have some extra money that I have earned over the last few months that I can support my family on temporarily since at this point the church cannot afford to pay me a full time salary. During that time, I plan to work harder than ever w i n n i n g souls and reaching people, and pray that the church will grow to the point where I can continue to serve God full time.

Please pray for me and for our church during this time of possible transition. The good thing is that I will be w i n n i n g more souls than ever since that will be my full time job! Please pray that the church will grow and that the finances will be there for me to continue doing so and still be able to support my family of 7 (soon to be 8!).

God bless you all!

Your friend,
Pastor Anderson
I think it's a blessing. Pastor Anderson can now preach the gospel in its fullness, without self-censorship.

14 comments:

  1. General, Sir:

    I'm not sure about his, "going pro", but when I think of Pastor Anderhole, I think, "When 'batshit' ain't KKKrazee enuf!".

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  2. I think maybe Pastor Andersnot is mis-reading God's message pretty severely.

    Hopefully God will followup soon with a few plagues, smiting some relatives, perhaps, and, oh yes, my favorite, make the faucets in his house run blood instead of water.

    Maybe then then this fine example of Christianinanity will start getting the picture.

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  3. Those poor children. Enough with the replenishing already.

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  4. Written faintly between the lines is a plea for financial support for his full time "winning souls" gig, since the church can't afford to pay him a full time salary. The Good Pastor needs help temporarily to feed and support his family of (almost) eight.

    Sounds suspiciously like socialism to me. Don't give me some bleeding heart story about feeding children, and keeping a roof over their head. He should earn his money like a Good American! Who cares if the invisible hand of the market gives his alarm company a giant middle finger!

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  5. If there's any justice in the evangelical world, soon there will be a bidding war amongst congregations all over the U.S. to have Paster Anderstun relocate to their towns, just like there was with that James LeBrown basketball player. I can't wait to hear what Rev. Andy will say in his one-hour TV special!

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  6. Damn that man to hell if he takes one handout from our socialist government!

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  7. May his wife find a decent man who will take her and the children to a saner better life and may he find a new home in a large cardboard condo and his shorts be filled with ticks. In Jesus name I pray!

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  8. Cpl. Bat, when times get too hard for a Godly man like Pastor Andersturm to take care of his family the way an honourable Christian patriarch should, I bet he uses the Hollis Brown solution. It's the new American way.

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  9. "Maybe this is God showing me that it is time to go full time as pastor..."

    And God sighed and said "How obvious does the hint need to be before you get it?"

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  12. When’re the teabaggers gonna tell Pastor Anderson to get a damn job?

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  13. God sure doesn't seem to be providing for Pastor Anderson as bountifully as he'd hoped. I'd really love to see this unforeseen detriment really get the good shepherd to fire up teh crazee machine, but then I remember that they also worship their firearms...

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  14. If Pastor Anderson's reasoning is correct, I've now been out of work so long now that I really ought to be the goddamn Pope.

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.