Mexicans Seize Branson

Update 11: Andrew Breitbart releases video of Mexican assault on Branson (see video at right).

Update 10: The conspiracy deepens. FBI, ICE say Branson not controlled by Mexican beer runners.

Update 9: While it's true that Branson isn't on the Mexican Border, I was correct when I called it a "border-area smuggling corridor." All a smuggler needs to do is sail a boat through the Gulf Of Mexico, up the Mississippi to the White River, and then portage over a couple of dams to reach Branson. The government never mentions this route, because they are in league with the Mexicans.

Update 8: OK, I've checked my translation of Los Tigres Del Norte again. I made a mistake. It means "Obama is secretly Mexican." I'm waiting for Orly's call now. I'll update you after I hear from her.

Update 7: A chihuahua was seen urinating on the Baldknobbers Country Music Theatre.

Update 6: Obama continues to ignore Branson takeover,

Update 5:Goddammit, woman! I can't take out the garbage now. I'm saving America.

Update 4: The coverup intensifies. A spokesman for the Branson Police Department denies reports of a Mexican takeover.

Update 3: Those of you who are berating me for translating Los Tigres Del Norte as "We Want Your White Women" need to learn the difference between Castilian Spanish and Mexican Spanish.

Update 2: The coverup begins. A spokesman for the Gretna Police Department denies any knowledge of the invasion: "Hell, boy, we're too damned busy keeping our bridge safe for white people; we don't give a shit about what's going on 500 miles away."

Update 1: I've received several suspicious emails claiming that Cantiflas died in 1993. That's the same year Liam Neeson came to the public's attention after starring in "Schindler's List," a film so foreign, it was shot in black and white. Coincidence? Developing...

Breaking: Two sources within the Gretna (LA) Police Department report that commandos from the Partido Cerveza Institucional (PCI) attacked and seized several theaters in Branson, MO earlier today.

"It's Red (Tamale) Dawn all over again," one source declared. "They've installed some kind of banda band, Los Tigres Del Norte [translation: We Want Your White Women] in the Osmond Brothers Theater," he continued.

The second source reports that Mexican comic Cantiflas is headlining at Yakov Smirnoff's place, "I heard him say, 'In Mexico we put cheese from the village on our nachos; in America, it's from Dow Chemical--what a country!'"

Branson is an attractive target for the Mexicans because of its value as a border-area smuggling corridor.

No word yet as to whether Obama will act to retake Branson, but many are wondering if PCI has a connection with last year's "White House Beer Summit."