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Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The Homosexualists of Lodi

Editor
Lodi News-Sentinel

Dear Editor,

I couldn't agree more with Harold Parks' letter of the 13th. Like he said:
Those gay folks are again wasting mine and your tax dollars so they can feel good about themselves...
San Francisco seems to like them, so why don't they all go there and kick out any straight people that are left there? Once they are all there they can secede from the Union, start their own island country and we can blow the bridges. In two generations their population will be zero growth and we can take our land back.
But I think Mr. Parks understates the problem of homosexualism in Lodi. I've been there. I've talked to Lodians. I know there are a lot of men in Lodi who have sex with not-men for reasons other than to procreate. That's about as homosexualist an act as a man can do.

Think about it. Not-men wear fancy sweet smelling perfumes and all those dainty, lacy, silky things. There's something a little too effeminate about a guy who'd get turned on by that kind of stuff.

And then there's those hairless things not-men have up front--a lot of guys like to fondle, kiss, and suck on them. Some even like it more than fondling, kissing, and sucking their own manly hairy chest bags. Can you imagine that? They might as well be sailors.

Then there's the "little soldier" problem; ladies don't have them. Now, you tell me; who'd want to have sex with someone who doesn't possess the equipment that makes a man a man? I mean, who, other than a homosexualist, would do that? It's just too damned feminine.

Now, I'm not saying that either you or Mr. Parks has non-procreative sex with women-- indeed, I'd be surprised if either of you had any kind of sex with not-men. But I do think you should consider the possibility that most of the men you see in Lodi are, in fact, secret homosexualists who get turned on by thingyless, sweet-smelling, lingerie-wearing not-men with big chest thingies. And that should scare the hell out of you.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A tip of the ol' helmet to reader Julie.

Elsewhere: They're showing "The Fountainhead" on TCM, but I prefer the five second version.

8 comments:

  1. Look, I don't know about men, not-men and all that fancy stuff. I'm still trying to work out if there is a double-negative in there somewhere.
    What i *do* know is that they have already tried having a seperate homosexualist state. These homosexualist run around in womens clothing with doilies and unmasculine hats on. Their buildings are all shiny. The save boy-bangers from outside the city and bring them into an immoral safety. This is how the Vatican has stopped its population dropping to zero from lack of pro-creation over the generations. I'm sorry, Mr. Parks, it won't work.

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  2. Mr. Parks also appears to be rather geographically challenged. San Francisco sits not on an island but a peninsula.

    Which when you come to think of it, is a very suggestive land formation. No wonder he's obsessed with it.

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  3. No man is an island, but a gay man is a peninsula. Got it.

    ++++

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  5. Not only is San Francisco on a peninsula, it’s on a (how shall I put this?) … kinda tumescent peninsula, if you catch my drift. What is Marin County doing to tempt it, is what I wanna know.

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  6. What is Marin County doing to tempt San Francisco, you ask? Have you been on Highway 101 just north of the Golden Gate Bridge and seen that tempto-tunnel entrance with the rainbow painted around the portal? Ghey alert! Ghey alert! To make it worse, that stretch of road is named "the Lick Highway", I lick you not! I used to live in San Francisco, much to my shame, and I know what a pre-verted place it is. Why, if mens and not-mens were to start outlining their cave entrances in rainbow hues, nothing would ever get done because of all the sex-crazed activity that would inevitably ensue. San Francisco is just dripping with iniquity, I tell you. Or dripping with something...

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  7. Whoa. Bukko, that must be some kinda tunnel. When I click the link it sez, “Error 403 – Forbidden. You tried to access a document for which you don’t have privileges.”

    Privileges? Priveleges?! I’ve got your “privileges” right here, pal …

    But I digress.

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  8. I grew up in Stockton, about 20 miles upwind of Lodi. Back in the good old days (up through the 70s, and I do mean the NINETEEN 70s) right-minded folks could live about 5 miles north of Stockton and get the benefit of Lodi's all-white school district. Sure, brown folks could go into Lodi to harvest the grapes, but they couldn't buy houses there.

    The football team was the Tokay Flames, and a lotta those white boys were flaming. I think they were tired of livestock.

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.