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Friday, September 17, 2010

The Opinuary Column



The Opinion "Masturbating while being a Republican* is wrong but permissible" has died. It's not permissible nor shall it be tolerated. Not to put too fine a point on it, but Republicans are no longer allowed to fantasize about the invisible hand of the free market creating a surge in profits, or issuing a steady stream of income. The Opinion has been around as long as privilege itself, the unfair tug of "Do me as I say, not as I don't do you" is a mantra that will be missed by many Republicans, those nasty, dirty little Onan bitches! Yeah, I'm talking about you, Santorum!

Should a Republican knowingly touch himself (as the General has pointed out numerous times women cannot masturbate because they have no little sailors in their boats)--anyway, where was I? Oh, yes, should a Republican touch himself with masturbatorial intentions then he should resign from the party immediately, and go live among the heathen, Darwinian chimpanzees who will surely spend eternity jerking in Hell. But don't visualize that, especially if you wish to remain a Republican. Just cleanse your mind, and seek help from another to assist you in serving penance. And take pictures too! Lots of pictures!

The Opinion was born of monied conservatives who were just as filthy and sinful as your garden variety commie-homo-hippy-sponge-tugger, only these leaders of the GOP hid their awful crimes so that their spiritual base, the Armies of God, were none the wiser. So good at not being the wiser their base shed any attempts at wisdom entirely, and were at last free from having even the smallest kernels of knowledge shoved down their throats. Even as the "troops in the field" did the hard work of directing their friends and neighbors to vote against their economic interests, it took the nascent Tea Party to shake the establishment out of its doldrums and squeeze out the last few drops of creative juice. While selfish Republican Party leaders were still whacking away with impunity (Note: if anyone finds a detachable orange dick running around please hold it for me--Boehner borrowed mine for a lobbying soiree and then claimed to have lost it at a tanning booth--yeah, right) the glorious masses stood erect without release, and then it was just boners, boners, boners all the way down.

Republican leaders owe it to their constituency to refrain from self-pleasure, to set an example, to boldly abstain where no one has abstained before! Republicans: Drop your worm, or get voted out next term!

A Memorial Service for the Opinion was held this morning--it was held, fondled, caressed, squeezed, stroked, teased, slapped and strangled until my body panicked and spit out a battalion of little soldiers, ready for Special Ops training until tragically vanishing down the drain. Sigh. In lieu of flowers I wouldn't mind some moist towelettes and a cigarette, it it's no trouble.

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*Democrats are free to whack away as is their habit, because they can't go to heaven anyway--just keep them away from the good linens.

The Opinuary Column appears most Fridays at Jesus' General.

Remember that Jesus loves you, but keep in mind that He also chastens those He loves.

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10 comments:

  1. Dear mjs: you might try looking in the medicine cabinet, or so I've heard...
    YouTube - Detachable Penis http://bit.ly/crnj1u

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  2. Snark off for a moment.

    Can someone please tell me why – for god’s sake, why – this woman got so much attention back in the ’90s and early ’00s?! She was on Maher’s “Politically Incorrect” (where she said she wouldn’t have lied to the Nazis to save Jews because lying is bad and god would protect the Jews (only, of course, he/she/it didn’t – d’oh!)); she was on that MTV special where she talked about wanking; she’s been on O’Reilly and a handful of other shows …. I mean, it’s great that we have all these embarrassing clips of her saying remarkably stupid stuff, but good god are we all so enthralled with breasts and poofy hair that that’s all you need to get on freaking television? Really?

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  3. Anyways … say, Seattle Tammy, you know what goes with a Detachable Penis? Why, Neuticles™, of course.

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  4. Republikkkans will continue to rub their Reagans, but the important thing is, they will feel guiltier about it. Knowing that they're being evil little monkey-pumpers will cause them to feel shame. And what's the best thing to do when you're feeling ashamed? Get angry, and blame other people for being wicked because they do the same thing you do! (The important thing is to not admit that YOU do it, and channel all your bad feelings onto THEM.) This is a great strategy to motivate the base, or should I say, the "master-base."

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  5. Dave, do you know if there is neuticles for men? Just askin', really, for a friend.

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  6. My clackers were placed in a blind trust many years ago. I don't even have the paperwork anymore.

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  7. Dano – Not sure those’d be approved by the FDA.

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  8. My clackers were placed in a blind trust many years ago.

    Andrew Bartfright apparently jacked his clackers too many times (see Gen'l's sermon from yestidday) and went blind. That explains why his attackvideo editing skills are so shonky. Especially when it comes to videos of black people. They're so damn hard to see on the screen!

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  9. Dave von: a song for you and Jesus

    Don't Lie to the Romans

    we hid jesus in the attic
    we hid jesus from the jews
    we hid jesus in the attic
    pretty soon he had the blues

    he started pacing in the attic
    full of nervous energy
    my wife started giving me static
    "make your choice, it's him or me"

    (chorus)
    make your choice, it's him or me
    lock him up or set me free
    make your choice, my nerves are frayed
    sweet jesus christ in the usa

    well, the romans came to the door
    asking questions in a foreign tongue
    they wore these little skirts
    a few of them were quite well hung

    well, boys, this is your lucky day
    seems my wife has gone away
    if you want to come and play
    i will be your rodeo clown
    (what the fuck)

    (chorus)
    make your choice, it's him or me
    lock him up or set me free
    make your choice, my nerves are frayed
    sweet jesus christ in the usa

    well, them soldiers grinned a bit
    and then they all bore down
    yeah, you're cute, they seemed to say
    but we don't want no rodeo clown

    are you hiding the son of god
    are you sheltering the lord
    answer the question, little man
    or feel the wrath of our steel swords

    (chorus)
    make your choice, it's him or me
    lock him up or set me free
    make your choice, my nerves are frayed
    sweet jesus christ in the usa

    i cannot tell a lie, it's true
    i am not one to deceive
    got me a deity in the attic
    and my wife wants him to leave

    (chorus)
    make your choice, it's him or me
    lock him up or set me free
    make your choice, my nerves are frayed
    sweet jesus christ in the usa

    so the romans took dear jesus
    and marched him off to die
    on their way out they saw the mrs.
    she was having a good cry

    why do you cry, my little darling
    isn't this just what you wanted
    yes, my dear, i'm glad he's gone
    but now the holy ghost will surely haunt us

    (chorus)
    make your choice, it's him or me
    lock him up or set me free
    make your choice, my nerves are frayed
    sweet jesus christ in the usa

    we hid jesus in the attic
    we hid jesus from the jews
    we hid jesus in the attic
    pretty soon he had the blues

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  10. MJS – Can’t speck for Jesus, but I love it!

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.