The Opinuary Column

The Opinion "Masturbating while being a Republican* is wrong but permissible" has died. It's not permissible nor shall it be tolerated. Not to put too fine a point on it, but Republicans are no longer allowed to fantasize about the invisible hand of the free market creating a surge in profits, or issuing a steady stream of income. The Opinion has been around as long as privilege itself, the unfair tug of "Do me as I say, not as I don't do you" is a mantra that will be missed by many Republicans, those nasty, dirty little Onan bitches! Yeah, I'm talking about you, Santorum!

Should a Republican knowingly touch himself (as the General has pointed out numerous times women cannot masturbate because they have no little sailors in their boats)--anyway, where was I? Oh, yes, should a Republican touch himself with masturbatorial intentions then he should resign from the party immediately, and go live among the heathen, Darwinian chimpanzees who will surely spend eternity jerking in Hell. But don't visualize that, especially if you wish to remain a Republican. Just cleanse your mind, and seek help from another to assist you in serving penance. And take pictures too! Lots of pictures!

The Opinion was born of monied conservatives who were just as filthy and sinful as your garden variety commie-homo-hippy-sponge-tugger, only these leaders of the GOP hid their awful crimes so that their spiritual base, the Armies of God, were none the wiser. So good at not being the wiser their base shed any attempts at wisdom entirely, and were at last free from having even the smallest kernels of knowledge shoved down their throats. Even as the "troops in the field" did the hard work of directing their friends and neighbors to vote against their economic interests, it took the nascent Tea Party to shake the establishment out of its doldrums and squeeze out the last few drops of creative juice. While selfish Republican Party leaders were still whacking away with impunity (Note: if anyone finds a detachable orange dick running around please hold it for me--Boehner borrowed mine for a lobbying soiree and then claimed to have lost it at a tanning booth--yeah, right) the glorious masses stood erect without release, and then it was just boners, boners, boners all the way down.

Republican leaders owe it to their constituency to refrain from self-pleasure, to set an example, to boldly abstain where no one has abstained before! Republicans: Drop your worm, or get voted out next term!

A Memorial Service for the Opinion was held this morning--it was held, fondled, caressed, squeezed, stroked, teased, slapped and strangled until my body panicked and spit out a battalion of little soldiers, ready for Special Ops training until tragically vanishing down the drain. Sigh. In lieu of flowers I wouldn't mind some moist towelettes and a cigarette, it it's no trouble.

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*Democrats are free to whack away as is their habit, because they can't go to heaven anyway--just keep them away from the good linens.

The Opinuary Column appears most Fridays at Jesus' General.

Remember that Jesus loves you, but keep in mind that He also chastens those He loves.

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