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Thursday, October 28, 2010

The Case of the Wizard's Homosexualist Ass Accessory

Students, faculty, and administrators at Emory University are all asking the same question: "What the heck happened at the Sigma Nu house early last Saturday morning?"

One student, a wearer of wizard hats who prefers to remain anonymous, says a drunken Sigma Nu alum bullied him because he was gay:
“This guy approached me and asked why I was wearing my hat. ... I said that I like the hat, just as you like your pink shirt. He then asked me if I was gay, and I said I was. He then started choking me with his elbow and put me into a head lock, and he dragged me out of the party by my neck.”

After the student was allegedly dragged the approximately 10 to 15 feet from the house’s common area to the door and thrown onto the front lawn, Smith was overheard telling other attendees “Hey, this kid’s a faggot.”
The alleged perp, Adam Smith, denies that homophobia motivated him to apply his invisible hand to the homosexualist's throat. He says the trouble began when he made an inquiry as to why the student was hiding his butt cheeks under a heterosexually-challenged wizard cap:
Smith...asked the student: "Why are you wearing this gay ass hat?"
According to Smith, the Wizard replied in a manner that reeked of disrespect for his revered status as one of Sigma Nu's most prominent drunkards. Indeed, the homosexualist sorcerer taunted Smith by declaring he was wearing the "gay ass hat" for the "same reason you're wearing your pink shirt."

Smith says he saw this response as a challenge to his commitment the heterosexual lifestyle and responded in the the only way his vodka-soaked imagination would allow: he assaulted the young wizard.

The above quotes come from an article in the Emory Wheeler. It describes a classic he-said/he-said confrontation. The wizard says he was assaulted after he admitted he was gay. The drunk claims he assaulted the wizard because the wizard implied that they were both homosexualists. Although some might say that the fact that an assault was committed is reason enough to condemn the aspiring wino, others would suggest that the reason for the assault is more important--it determines whether the act was a hate crime or not.

Thankfully, the Case of the Wizard's Homosexualist Ass Accessory is solvable. Adam Smith, like most hopeless inebriates, doesn't know when to shut up. He clarifies his statements to the reporter by posting a comment about the article:
I am in NO WAY at all a homophobic person. I have many friends at Emory who will vouch for me as a friendly guy and a genuinely great person.


This whole dumb event occurred because I was drunk and thought it would be funny to throw someone out to the wrath of the huge security guard at the door, and the most ridiculous person that naturally stood out to me was this Wizard dressed kid. I purposely egged him on a little bit, he snapped back at me, and I threw him out.

So chalk this up as me being a drunk asshole, a frat guy with too much testosterone, or whatever you want to call me I really don't care. I just want everyone to know that that's literally all it was, that's the honest truth. I'm not some ignorant bigot looking to bash homosexuals, so please don't think that.
So there you have it. It wasn't a hate crime. Adam Smith isn't a homophobe. He's just a drunk asshole who likes to beat up on guys who wear "gay wizard ass hats."

In another comment, a very self-aware young woman chimes in:
Alright, for one, if this happened to a heterosexual do you really think there would be article written up? Come on. Really. What makes gays so special? They're just drama queens that need to harden up. They are not a special species of human. Sure, give them the same rights as a heterosexual. I don't even think that even then they'd be happy with equality. Anyway, I think Adam was just having fun and letting off steam. I just don't understand what the big deal was. Was this kid hurt? No. Just his gay pride. When will this gay thing end? Seriously, it's getting ridiculous. Being gay is not a defense nor should be used as one. He got rejected because he wore a stupid hat and stood out like a sore thumb. Not because he was gay. Everyone should get over it and move on with their day.


  1. So, shorter dumbass frat boy "I'm just a dumbass, drunken fratboy, not a homophobe, honest!

    ...and that, my friends, is progress.

  2. Anonymous6:48 AM

    Long ago in a different universe, I went to Emory. I've been proud of that forever. True, the very question of gayness never passed the lips of anyone at the time -- it was a LONG time ago, and it IS a methodist, or is that methodical, place -- but even then the frat drunks were the unquestioned kings of the world.

    I will always remember finding one of my classmates just before dawn in a dorm bathroom, lying on the floor sort of on his side at a toilet, cheek firmly on the rim, unable to stand and dry-heaving like a metronome, saying between convulsions 'more beer, more beer'. He was rich, seventeen years old, and had been to another rush party. Everybody knew him, what happened, and that nothing would ever be said about it publicly.

    Le plus ca change...

  3. General, Sir:

    Fer cryin' out loud, what is this world coming to?

    Look, it's not like he was anally sodomized with a broom, or beaten, tied to a fence and left to die or even dragged behind a pickup truck until he sorta came apart. It was a friggin' FRAT prank and if we learned nothing else from BoyGeorge during his eight years in his orifice, FRAT pranks are, like, XX kingsies, fingers crossed behind the back OK, IYAAR-- and I'm guessing our boy, Adam Smith, is one of us, fer sure.

    So, the kid got roughed up a bit, what's little choke hold between fellow students, even if one is an alum (meaning he's surely over 21) and the other is some Gaydweeb youngster? C'mon, that young lady is right, then drama queens gotta "harden up". Otoh, maybe she just needs to get a strap-on.

  4. He got rejected because he wore a stupid hat and stood out like a sore thumb.

    Perhaps a new mascot for this fine learning establishment might be The Ejecting Rejecters? I believe pink shirts would be in order!

  5. Anonymous10:47 AM

    The young lady thinks gay people are "drama queens who need to harden up."

    Oh, my.

  6. There are a lot of people who need to harden the fuck up. I'm wondering when the handicappers will get over the gimp thing. They have the same rights as everybody else, so why should they get the special parking spaces? C'mon, paralyzed people -- pull yourself up by your own bootstraps, and if you're an amputee, be glad that you don't weigh so much, because you've got it even easier. And if you show up at Smegma Nu in a stupid wheelchair, standing out like a sore bum, don't be surprised if a fun-loving drunkfratboy pushes you down the front steps. It's all in good fun, so stop being ridiculous and get on with your pathetic, geeky day.

  7. Well, I see one thing hasn't changed since I wnat to college lo, these many years ago...frat boys are still bonehead assholes...and, unfortunately, the "Future Rock Stars of America," as Iggy Pop once said (Why do you think we have the kind of CEOs and politicians we do?)

  8. Just think about how lucky the guy who enjoys losing spartan-style wrestling. He was in a witches hat and got taken outside & assaulted. If it was a girl in a witches hat, they'd have taken her outside and burnt her at a stake.

  9. Oh my, I came across this randomly on a search on lutefish. Just thankful I didn't go to Emory. Not exactly sure what "harden up" means from the comments other than willingness to tolerate irrational acts of violence and/or discrimination. Certainly a very strange definition of "harden up." Every law enforcement officer will agree that small acts of violence eventually leads to more severe crimes. No one should tolerate disrespectful treatment regardless of his sexual orientation or if the violator is under the influence or not.

  10. When will this gay thing end?

    Ooo, I know the answer! "This gay thing" will end when the homo-sekshualists recruit all of our children into their homo-agenda, steal their embryonic stem cells, and destroy opposite-marriage in Amerika thus allowing the Musselmen to outbreed us with their anchor babies and headchopping and such. Also, too, try to take away our tax cuts and force healthcare down our throats.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.