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Friday, October 29, 2010

The Opinuary Column

The Opinion "And again I say to you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God*" has been stomped on, tasered, riddled with bullets, blown up by a drone aircraft, disappeared, tortured, maimed, squashed, violated, raped, shit upon, pummeled, decapitated, buggered, imprisoned, murdered, squashed, assassinated, disemboweled, poisoned, asphyxiated, lynched, pulverized, deleted, flayed, cremated, thrashed, throttled, torn apart, bombed and bitten to death. The richest bastards in the game have paid off the Lord, and the glittering palaces and majestic boulevards of the Heavenly Kingdom reflect the new owners' aesthetics: the Gates of Heaven have been reinforced with fools gold, forged in the fiery battlements of Hell. The Opinion was bought out during a hostile takeover, and heaven has never looked more malevolent, removed, cold and cruel. Yahweh/God has accepted his golden parachute and exited the building, to pursue adventures in lands not yet created, to work on projects that remain a mystery to us all.

The Opinion was born in a quaint little thatched hut built of morality and justice, wherein it thrived wondrously in its modest confines, and spent its early days laughing and running and playing, while keeping an eye upon the horizon for something it could not quite see. Upon reaching adulthood it left home and wandered the countryside, often spying the common folk who labored in the sun and shivered in the cold--such experiences reminded it that the mystery of being was no less complicated for the poor than for the rich, except that the ability to exploit one's fellow man increased with the concomitant increase in capital. The Opinion came to know that a tension existed in the world, one of tidal movements that surged and ebbed as the times changed, and that sometimes things had to get really bad before the tide could come back in and wash away the crimes of man. Sometimes the crimes were so bad that no single tide could do the job, and the sands at the edge of the sea glistened with blood and despair. No matter: the Opinion knew that humanity had a greater depth than mere wealth and power, and so was happy to remind anyone who would listen that flesh is fleeting, but the essence of the universe was an eternal one, and all who lived participated in that eternity, equally and fully.

Late in life the Opinion started drinking heavily, and after a series of bad investments found itself on the verge of bankruptcy. Unable to fend off its lenders, it sold its primary insight to the wealthiest people on the planet, who rewarded it by hiring a squad of goons to kill it just as soon as was humanly possible. Heaven is now filled with some of the wealthiest motherfuckers this world has ever known, even as children die forgotten in the streets, guilty of the crime of being poor and condemned to suffer. Paradise has been leveraged by Hell.

In lieu of flowers the family of the deceased would like lots and lots of money given to them, to spend as they see fit.

Arrangements by the Supreme Court of the United States of America.

*Matthew 19:24


  1. If God can do anything, can He make a bribe SO BIG that even God Himself could not avoid the temptation to take it?

  2. Mr. mjs, Sir:

    Did you just forget crucified, defenestrated, drawn and quartered, electrocuted, exsanguinated, lethally injected and pressed or could it have been even worse? Well, in any case that will teach the Opinion or any of its offspring (who are being hunted down by the folks from Xe, if my informants are telling me the truth--the ones who still have tongues in their heads) to not waste their time on the "little people" as the sainted Leona Helmsley was wont to call them.

  3. Couldn't we just diddle the prose and morph the opinion into '.. it is easier for a rich man to eye the God camel in the needle kingdom?'

    That's the beauty of confusion: even morality can be safely gutted if we can find the right spin!

  4. Morph: "It is easier for a rich camel to needle God through the eye than for a dom king to go enter into a man."

  5. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evils. It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs.

  6. Well, I guess you haven't heard Repubs want to "amend" the Ten Commandments to add an Eleventh: "Everything counts in large amounts."

  7. Anonymous5:43 PM

    Not responding to this particular post. I just came upon your reviews on Amazon and am in awe. In awe sir!

  8. Technically, it would be "shat upon", but what's a vowel amoung friends...

  9. We value the Opinion

  10. Actually, it was 'rope' not 'camel'. An early typographical error. Aramaic can be so confusing.

  11. Wlkr: "Shat upon" and not "shit upon"--thank you and got it!

    Thank you also democommie for an ever larger number of violent acts that I had neglected to include. I am yours forever, covered in blood and agony.

    silk purse maker: thank you for the 'rope' not 'camel' comment. If Jesus had said the line with 'camel' in it then I'm pretty sure his audience would have let out a really loud "duh!" And that goes for the matinee crowds as well.

  12. A friend of mine likes to correct this particular opinion by pointing out that, in the original language, "Camel" could mean both the large quadruped and a type of heavy twine made from the hair of said animal. A number of people assert that the statement referred to the type of thread and not to the creature and that rich people can, in fact, be holy and righteous.

    I counter that the reappointment of the noun changes the meaning of the verse from "it is impossible for a rich guy to get into heaven" to "it is extraordinarily difficult to the point of functional impossibility for a rich guy to get into heaven."

    And that's a huge difference indeed.

  13. Thomas's post above brought to mind how us foreigners tell Democrats and Republicans apart: the richness of the prose.

    See if you can tell who's the Democrat and who's the Republican.

    Two guys sitting on a bus, with an attractive woman sitting between them.

    The one guy casually turns to the woman and quips,

    'Tickle your bum with a feather!'

    'Excuse ME!' replied the woman incredulously.

    'Looks like nice weather!' he repeats.

    She looks at him slyly, and with a mischievous grin, walks off the bus with the man.

    The remaining guy marvels at the wittiness of the exchange and decides to give it a try. A moment later another attractive woman sits down near him.

    'Wanna fuck?'

    'WHAT?' she exclaims.

    'Looks like snow!'

  14. LOL, looks like snow :)

  15. LOL, looks like snow :)

  16. A fool and his money are soon parted. All these megachurch men live by it.
    These guys man not actually get into heaven, but who cares? they've made themselves a heaven on Earth!

    And all those who think a camel CAN'T go through the eye of a needle haven't been to 'Cecil's minced camel emporium'


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.