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Wednesday, October 20, 2010

God Doesn't Want To Break Off Your Thingy

William Tapley
Third Eagle of the Apocalypse
Co-Prophet of the End Times
Retired Furniture Engineer

Dear Co-Prophet Tapley,

As much as i enjoyed your video about condom users being barred from the Rapture, I'm a bit disappointed about your failure to go into God's physical/mechanical reasons for the ban.

It wouldn't take long to explain about how God's rapture rays can't penetrate condoms or to describe the terrible consequences condom wearers would suffer if rapture was attempted. Heck, I did it in in a minute and a half.

I'm enclosing my video about condoms and the Rapture. Please consider accepting it as a video response to your own. I think they will complement each other.

Heterosexually Yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. Anonymous10:59 PM

    So...a vasectomy is now an approved procedure?

  2. Can I have that corn when you're done with it? Aw, who am I kidding--you don't even have to be done with it.

  3. Yes! If you are wearing a condom during the rapture, you will miss out! The same thing will happen to you if you die wearing a condom. Heaven's rays can't find you.

    Thank Our God that it is okay to be wearing as many as two wetsuits when you die, however. It must be something in the neoprene.


  4. I'm confused. Couldn't our All-Powerful God make a ray that could penetrate a condom?

    Hee hee. I said penetrate.

  5. To those who follow Teh Gen'l's advice about "throw away your condoms," please don't throw 'em away on my lawn. They're almost as annoying to pick up as the used syringes.

    But seriously, if God was Rapturing, and a Worthy Person was wearing a rubber at that moment, the RaptureRays might bounce off and UpRapt an unworthy person. Like whoever the Worthy Person was fornicating -- or even fornigaying! -- at that moment. And when some sweaty, aroused sexsinner arrives in Heaven, God might get so angry -- He did that in the exciting bits of Teh Bibble -- that He'd call the whole thing off.

    Don't risk it, people! Bareback for Jesus! Or something like that.

  6. So this begs the question. Was Lorena Bobbit simply trying to prepare her condm wearing husband for the "rapture"?

  7. Co-Prophet (&c.) Tapley: “God invented the game of sex.” Randy bastard.

  8. So... it can't Rapture when it's rainin'?

  9. General, Sir:
    I don't get it. What does the cob of corn represent? Is this a parable?

  10. This video and the whole idea of breaking willies is just ridiculous. We all know that condoms are far, far longer than a man's willie could every grow. We all know that when we put a condom on our little soldiers, that it will all be bunched up at the end. There won't be any exposed little soldier to break off.

  11. BC:

    Oh, so you never read the warning printed on the last inch or so that says:

    "Warning: This is not a toy. It represents a choking hazard for chickens and other foraging poultry. Why you might have chickens and other polutry in your bewdwar is not a subject which this warning in any way attempts to address--that would be something best explained by your mental health care provider or your minister."

  12. Dammit Demo ...
    (.. wiping coffee off keyboard/monitor...)


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.